Slave to skinny

The Slavery Abolition Act 1833 was put in place by parliament to abolish slavery throughout the british empire. I don't know much about slavery in this way, but I know that slavery itself still exists.

slave

sleɪv/

noun

1. 1.

   (especially in the past) a person who is the legal property of another and is forced to obey them.

   "he killed the natives or turned them into slaves"

   
   

verb

1. 1.

   work excessively hard.

   "after slaving away for fourteen years all he gets is two thousand"

I was a slave to anorexia. You could argue that doesn't count because Anorexia is not a person and I was not forced to obey it, you could argue that you don't have to work excessively hard to be anorexic, all you do is not eat.. right?

Yes, anorexia isnt a person but it's a voice. At least for me it was, it was like a voice that wasn't my own. It controlled my every move my every thought I had no choice but to obey it or it would make things worse. It would force me to stand up while watching tv because it burns more calories than sitting. It would force me to open my windows on cold winter nights because 'being cold burns calories'. It wouldn't let me have friends "They'll make you eat, they want you to get fat to make them look skinnier" it would whisper.

And as for not having to work hard... I'd spend hours a day thinking about food and would have to spend hours distracting myself, putting myself off. I'd work hard at pretending i'm okay, hiding the weightloss, making it look like I ate. Hiding food was a challenge and I'd work hard at making sure that I wasn't going to pass out despite not having eaten for days. It was physically and mentally draining. It wasn't a case of just not eating.

I was a Slave. I am a slave. We are a slave to society. A slave to skinny. A slave to the scales.

We want to be skinny because it's more socially acceptable than being 'Fat'. We want to be skinny because we're told 'nothing tastes as good as skinny feels' we want to be skinny because it's portrayed to be the best thing we can be and fat is the worst.

In an american survey 80% of ten year olds had been on a diet. (10. Year. Olds. Think about a ten year old you know, if you knew they were dieting you'd be shocked they are just children!). And the most wished for thing among 11-17 year olds was to be thinner. 53% of 13 year olds are unhappy with their body. Only 22% of 17 year olds are happy with theirs. There is over 1.2million members at slimming world and 1 million at weight watchers.  Those 2.2million people step on and off a scale every single week and are either happy because the scale show's a smaller number than last week or disappointed because it's bigger, they are slaves to the scale.

While I was in Africa my access to a scale was limited. I was so much happier not having to worry about what the number would show. I didn't care. Yes I gained weight, yes some of my clothes didn't fit but it didn't matter. It shouldn't matter now either. It shouldn't matter to you. Your worth is not determined by the number on the scale or the size of your jeans.

Words fail me

Contrary to popular belief, words aren't my thing. I guess I understand why people think they are, I write a blog and my head can usually be found in a book. But i'm terrible with words.

I can never find the right ones and when I do know what I want to say it's usually sarcastic or rude ('Fuck' springs to mind...). If someone asks me how I am I could be absolutely fantastic or I could be have some sort of internal breakdown but 'fine' will be my word of choice. If someone tells me something bad 'Oh shit' or 'I'm so sorry to hear that' are usually the words that spill out my mouth. I never know what to say when I'm supposed to say it.

I am rubbish at conversation and being silent in a room full of people is probably my only talent. I get scared of saying the wrong words, sounding stupid. My heart might have the words but when it comes to speaking them sometimes I physically can not. There's been times when I have opened my mouth and no sound has come out, I get asked if I was about to say something and while I might want to say 'Yes, urm......' I usually shake my head.

Words fail me. But I have Gods word and actually that's the only word I need. I don't need to give answers it does that for me, I don't need to speak I just need to listen. Gods word is powerful while I am weak.

bad day

Some days (weeks... maybe months) are hard and sometimes it seems like things will never change. Today has been one of those hard days.  Days like this for me seem unbearable and it seems like everything goes wrong.

I woke up at 7am, and didn't get up until 1.30, moving wasn't something I wanted to do. I managed to get up in fear that my bladder might pop. I looked in the mirror and instantly burst into tears. I hate my body, I hate my face and my scars although they dont usually bother me made me feel sick. The scale said a smaller number than yesterday but I feel 3 times bigger. I eventually managed to go and have 'Breakfast'. Half of a small banana, less calories than my usual bowl of porridge but today it seemed too much. I sat on the floor in the corner for what seemed like an eternity before finally finding the motivation to go upstairs and shower.

I stood in the shower and stared blankly at the wall, I think I washed my hair 3 times but I just kept forgetting whether I had or hadn't already washed it. The shampoo went in my eye and the sting didn't bother me like normal, I was grateful that I was actually feeling something other than emptiness. Pain isn't a brilliant feeling but its certainly better than numbness.  I dryed my hair and returned to the scale. Weighing myself more than once a day is never a good thing and today i've got on and off the scale a whopping 10 times. Then I returned to bed.

A had a few hours in which I was occupied, so things didn't seem too bad. But now I'm home alone and I'm anxious. It's been a while since my anxiety has been this overwhelming, I've convinced myself 6 times that I've left the oven on and the house will surely set on fire (I haven't turned the oven at all today) I'm worrying about everything.

Today I havent done anything productive all I've done is breathe. Some days (weeks, or maybe even months) it is okay if breathing is all you can bring yourself to do.

I just pray that tomorrow will be better.

Rubbish Christian

Sometimes when I sit in the congregation at church or even on the odd occasions when i'm stood at the front of church singing or perhaps it's when i'm at the alpha course it feels like I am different, like I don't belong (okay, I am different). It feels like I am less important, less of a christian.

Everyone else know's what to pray and talks about how they've read the whole bible from cover to cover not once, not twice but more times than they can count. The talk about how God has healed them and portray this image that their life is perfect and that, well, their some sort of business class christian while I'm more economy class.

Sometime's it feels like I am in the wrong place, i'm supposed to be in a hospital for the broken and it seem's like i'm in a museum for the good. The sin-free the Icanmakeperfectcakesandquotethebiblewordforwordandicanprayfor10minutesstraightwithouttakingasinglebreath. Sometimes it feels like I don't belong.

I am different. Everyone else sticks to 1 corinthians 6:19-20 and treats their body as a temple, while my temple has both exterior and interior damage, it has been treated more like a Mcdonalds than a temple.  Everyone else sticks to 1 Peter 5:7 while I have anxiety attacks. Everyone else calls God their Father and seems to have some amazing bond with him( 2 corinthians 6:18) while I struggle to imagine God as this father figure, I love him but I'm not ready to call him Father, I know he made me but all I can think about is my earthly father, Can't I call him God the Granddad instead? (I have no link to word granddad so that'd be so much easier!). And don't even get me started on Exodus 20:13 that one I just can't seem to get the hang of (That was a joke...)

I am a sinner. I fight daily battles with Satan. I get tempted and 90% of the time I do or say something that other christians find shocking, even when I'm just being honest about how I find it hard to concentrate when I pray, I get looks of disgust as if to say "Well aren't you just a terrible christian then" (I understand them doing this when I'm swearing or rolling a cigarette mid-hymn but whatever). I am not perfect, neither are they.

Romans 3:23 says "For all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God" and I can't and nor should anybody else judge somebody just because they sin differently to me (or you)

and Romans 5:8 reminds us that "God show's his love for us in that while we were still sinners Christ died for us."

So despite the fact I don't know the bible inside out and despite the fact I sin God still loves me and even if I were the only person to ever walk the earth Christ would have died for me, and he'd of done the same for you.

Winter Blues

There's so many reasons to like the winter months (In England we get like 6 months of winter, we should of learned to love them by now...) Stepping on crunchy leaves and the colours of the trees, hot chocolate and bonfires, snowmen and pretty scarves, christmas carols and christingles, presents and parties, sweater weather is better weather and let's be honest girls shaving our legs doesn't need to happen as often but for some winter can be hard.

I don't mean because they're full of flu, they have expensive heating bills or because they struggle to keep warm. I mean it's mentally hard for the 2 million people in the UK who suffer with 'Seasonal Affective Disorder' (SAD) commonly known as 'Winter depression'.

SAD shares the same symptoms as normal depression but usually only occurs at a particular time of year and for most this is winter. (it's no surprise really, it's dark all the time which effects hormone production). Symptoms usually begin in autumn and get progressively worse throughout the winter before improving again in spring and summer.

So what are the signs?

• Low mood
• Low self esteem
• Either an increase or decrease in weight
• Wanting to sleep more than usual / feeling lethargic
• Feelings of despair/ guilt/ worthlessness/ anxiety/ stress. 
• Tearfulness
• Reduced Libido 
• Indecisiveness
• Lack of concentration
• Showing little interest in activities

And while it may seem that the winter is just impossible to get through with the right treatment symptoms can be managed and you can read more about SAD and possible treatment here 

So to anybody who feels like they want to hibernate this winter and doesn't usually feel this depressed for the rest of the year perhaps pay a visit to your GP and know that it's okay to have a mental illness and that summer will soon be here!

If depression is causing you to have disturbing thoughts or you just need somebody to talk to please call any of these numbers or speak to a trusted friend

Samaritans: 08457 909090
Child line: 0800 1111
NHS Direct:  0845 4647

God is good.

God is good, really good and I've watched him transform peoples lives, heard of the things he's done for others and even known him to heal people, it amazes me every time.

I know people who God has healed, or performed miracles on. For example a friend a couple of weeks ago was pretty much in a life or death situation when a brain op didn't go according to plan, days were spent in intensive care with little signs of improvement. We got so many people to pray, from different churches and even from different parts of the world. Now, she's not in intensive care and has taken a real turn and is apparently sending snapchats...

My dad had quite a serious 'suspected stroke' when I was six, Mum and the boys went to visit him after he'd been in for a few days, apparently he looked like he was going to die. Mum took the boys into the chapel in the hospital and they prayed. That night there was a knock on our front door, it was dad. A doctor had told him he wasn't breathing properly and told him what to do after doing it for a but he was back to normal. The other doctors didn't see this 'doctor' that spoke to dad and there was no record that this 'doctor' even existed.

But God doesn't just heal people, he answers prayers too.. A couple examples my parents have told me are:

When mum was pregnant with Anna they lived on a top floor flat, they'd put the flat up for sale because carrying a pushchair up flights of stairs wasn't going to be much fun for mum. It'd been on the market for a while and nobody had even showed an interest. After a while mum and dad prayed about it and heard God say 'trust Me' - The next day they had a phonecall and the flat got sold.

Then there was the time when mum and dad couldn't afford our school uniforms, 4 of us in 4 different sizes was going to cost a lot. They prayed about it and the following morning received a cheque in the post for £200 which paid for the uniforms.

(ive done it again, ive forgotten where I was going with this...) But these things are not a coincidence, God is good.

For the LORD is good. His unfailing love continues forever, and his faithfulness continues to each generation. - Psalm 100:5

Wish List

There are a lot of things that I can think of that would make my life better if I had it... And if I got everything on that list I would be happy and my life would be perfect.  It may seem selfish, materialistic, vain but I NEED them to make my life better... And here is to name just a few.

I need:

• Liposuction
• A nicer smile
• New anti-depressants
• A new job 
• More money (I'm talking millions...)
• Higher self-esteem
• A boyfriend
• A driving license 
• An iPhone
• Thinner thighs
• To be happier
• A talent
• My own house
• To be happier
• To be healthier
• Cigarettes to cost less
• Alcohol to come out the tap
• To be perfect
• To be accepted
• Longer hair
• More people to love me
• To feel appreciated
• A double bed
• JESUS.

"And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus" Phillipians 4:19

Don't believe in doctors.

Some people go to the doctor all the time for things that seem small to others (seriously - take a paracetamol, it's only a slight headache!) and occasionally they go for something big, serious. I'd rather suffer. Doctors and medical professionals have done nothing but let me down when it comes to my mental health and after more than a year of seeking treatment - nothing. I was referred to a specialist center over 6 months ago - nothing. Antidepressants aren't working? Try some new ones, up your dose, just keep taking them. Some people put more faith in doctors than anything else.
 But a Doctor has never healed me and they've run out of options, they can not fix me and now it seems they wont even try. It's impossible to get an appointment and even then 5 minutes is not enough to explain every thing that is going wrong inside my mind and inside my body. I don't understand how people can believe in doctors.

I am lucky though because I do not need a doctor to heal me (Okay, treatment would be nice but i've given up on that and they've given up on me). I have God, I go to him for the small stuff and  big, serious stuff. Because of him I do not have to suffer. God has done everything for me. I don't need to make an appointment because my God is here, all the time, always listening. I don't need to book in advance and talk to him as quick as I possibly can so he can talk to someone else sicker than I am.
God doesn't need to refer me to somebody else because he's stuck, he is all knowing, God isn't going to stop trying he is not going to give up on me, or you, or anyone. He know's our sicknesses and sufferings and he will heal us.

I've heard wonderful testimonies of people being healed from various mental and physical illnesses, healed from addiction,  It says in Matthew 7:7 Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened. God isn't like a doctor he doesn't need to prescribe you drugs he doesn't need to be told your symptoms he doesn't need you to have various tests done. He just needs you to ask to be healed and he will give you healing.

I have prayed time and time again, i've been prayed for lots I am not healed and I am okay with that because I have faith that God will heal me, he will heal you. Just because I haven't been healed instantly does not mean I will not be healed, I just need to keep praying and keep being prayed for. I'm putting my faith in God and not in doctors.

"Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering."

Private life.

"Who you are in private is more important than who you are when people see"
(The exact opposite to my bingeing habit, what i eat in private I wear in public).

Anyway, I like the idea of who you are in private being more important...

Some people have an untidy house until they're expecting guests but it's okay to have an untidy house because the people are their to see you and not your house. If you're house is a mess and your life is a mess that is fine just don't pretend it's not.

In public I try to appear confident, innocent, full of the word of God, happier, healthier, okay.

In private it takes me ten minutes to build up the courage to leave the house, "fuck" is my most used word, I struggle to read the bible, depression takes it's toll, have unhealthy thoughts and sometimes in private I am not okay. (but as soon as we have visitors or I need to go out I can quickly pretend I am).

I have scars and secrets that will never be made public, we all do. Sometimes those scars are physical and other times emotional but why would we publicize that? We wouldn't because we're too scared of being judged or put down.

Who we are in private should be who we are all the time, we shouldn't have to put on a show for an audience full of people that are also just keeping up appearances.

Can you hear me?

I am rubbish at talking, remembering and listening. When it comes to talking to other people I freeze, occasionally I stutter and yes or no answers are about as much as I can give. I forget important things but remember lyrics from song's I heard once 10 years ago, it's not that I don't follow instructions I simply just forget I was given them. I'm not bad at listening, I'm bad at taking it in, in one ear out the other, shrugging off things I don't want to hear.

When It come's to God I am just as bad. I physically can't talk to God out loud, I can in my head but that's a mess and I get distracted mid-prayer. Sometimes I simply forgot to pray when the hustle and bustle of life is too much. It's not that I don't listen to God though, I just do not hear him and even if I were to I'm not sure what he sounds like. Sometimes it feels like God isn't listening to me though, when you pray and pray and pray and nothing happens it can be hard.

I was told by an RE teacher once that because I was made by science and not God that I do not have a soul and can not connect with God. IVF babies weren't how God intended for children to made and if God didn't just give them a baby like he gave Sarah in the bible then maybe the parents weren't supposed to have one. I also used to get called "Devil child" at school by some of my sisters friends... So It would make sense if God wasn't listening, I wasn't part of a plan and I apparently remind people of satan so why would he even want to hear my cries for help.

But that's not the case and It's only the past few weeks I've realized that. If I wasn't part of Gods plan then even with the help of doctors the sperm wouldn't have fertilized the egg, I wouldn't be here. God knew even before IVF was a thing, even before my parents met, that Lydia Brown would walk the earth and Sandra and Tony would have triplets with the help of science. I am part of Gods plan and he still has a plan for my life. 'For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord Plans to prosper you and not to harm you plans to give you hope and a future' Jeremiah 29:11
It isn't that God isn't listening to me, it's that God's plan for me is just different to that of what I am asking, the nights I used to cry and pray that God would please just let me be with him now, that I wouldn't wake up the morning. It's not that I was being ignored it's that God has a better plan for my life than I do.

The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles.  The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.  A righteous man may have many troubles, but the LORD delivers him from them all Psalm 34:17-19 (sorry if this makes no sense it's 1am, I'm tired and couldnt find the words I was looking for)