Anti-human tablets.

I have recently started a new course of anti-depressants. I'm going to use the term 'Anti-depressant' lightly, because chocolate works better than these things. (And that's coming from someone with an eating disorder...)

I've taken 3 different types of anti-depressants, and the one i'm on currently they've tried to shove down my throat before - they didn't work. So here they are starting me up on a stronger dose of placebo.

But they do no work, they will not work and no matter how much people tell me to give them a chance they will not change anything.

A tablet isn't going to make me forget the sexual assaults. A tablet isn't going to suddenly trust people and have new found love for people I don't know. A tablet isn't going to get rid of my crippling fear of people. A tablet isn't going to take away the pain and the hurt. A tablet isn't going to make me suddenly love myself. A tablet isn't going to make it feel like i'm at home in my own house. A tablet isn't going to take away the scars that remind of everything that's ever been wrong. A tablet will not make me forget harsh words that cut deeper than blades ever did.

What it will do however is make me feel less human than I already do. Suck the life out of me, make me jittery, make me throw up because i've been told to take them on an empty-stomach when the leaflet says clearly not to. Make me sleep during the day because if I want to be dead I might as well just sleep, it's the same thing really but without the commitment. Make me teary and achey and tired. They have not however taken away the depression.

I long to feel human again. I want to have the ability to leave the house (or even my bedroom) without it taking as much effort as climbing mount everest. I wan't to be able to go out with friends but I push them all away because handling me on anti-depressants it worse than putting up with just the depression. I wan't to do things normal people do like go out for meals and leave the house without needing somebody for support. I want to be able to walk around with my head held high rather than wanting to bury it under the concrete I walk on.

I wan't these tablets to actually work. I wan't to be okay.