Not a people person.

There's a song lyric to a song that I don't know the name of that says something like "People are just people they shouldn't make you nervous" and while a large part of me agrees with that statement the part of me that gets nervous by other people think's that statement is ridiculous.

I am terrified of people. I'm 17 years old and conversation scares me. People scare me. I have never made an important phone call, whether it be to arrange an appointment or to ask about a job. It scares me that I do not know the person on the end of the phone. I'm not much better in person either. Strangers make me nervous.

I have never gone to an appointment by myself, I get too scared to talk. I struggle to talk to people my own age. I struggle to talk to 90% of adults. The amount of times I didn't understand my work in school because I was simply too scared to ask a question that might be perceived as "Silly" and was terrified that if my classmates heard they might think I was stupid for not understanding. People my own age will always be the age group that bullied me, that's why they make me nervous.

Leave me on my own with a man over the age of 30 and there's a 10000% chance I will struggle to make conversation. If I don't get myself into a panic when I'm left alone with them it is quite frankly a miracle. Whether I know them quite well or whether they are a complete stranger it doesn't matter. Previous events involving old men are the reason the male species make me nervous.

I'm nervous when meeting females for the first time to, because I know how judgmental and bitchy we girls are. If they're older I'm even more nervous because chances are they're going to be patronizing or compare you to their own children and that just means even more being judged.  

This is probably going to be something that will always hold me back and I'm forever coming across as rude when I struggle to make conversation. Forever coming across as stupid when I get so nervous I can't bring myself to answer the simplest of questions. Childish when I refuse to go into a shop by myself unless they have a self scanner.

People are just people and they shouldn't make me nervous, but they do.

I love...

• Mum 
• Dad
• You
• God
• 'Baby animals man like puppies and rabbits omg awwwh'
• Chelsea boots
• Leather jackets
• Flowers
• Chicken Nuggets
• Shoes/Shoe shops/Looking at shoes
• You me at six
• Breath taking views
• Sunshine
• 'The Emoji that looks like a smiling poo'
• Drinking Vodka/Vodka Redbull
• Bracelets
• Sleep
• Spud the hamster
• Florida
• Pizza
• Family
• Friends
• Partying

I asked people to list some of the things that they love and the answers above are only a small amount of the answers I got. Some people love the same things (Their Mother and Vodka being common answers) but no two lists were the same.  What I noticed, though, is that even in the longest list I received nobody said they loved themselves. And I wonder how far down their lists they are or if they're even on their list at all.

I know it's some massive thing about if you admit you like yourself you're 'big headed' but that isn't the case. It is okay to love yourself, you know why? Because you are F*cking amazin, okay.

"Loving yourself…does not mean being self-absorbed or narcissistic, or disregarding others. Rather it means welcoming yourself as the most honored guest in your own heart, a guest worthy of respect, a lovable companion" .- Margo Anand

Dear person reading this,

Dear person reading this,

You made it through another year. You made it through the hard times and pain. You made it through all the times when you all you wanted to do was give up. You made it. You made it another year and I promise you can make it another year. I am SO proud of you.


(Saw this on my tumblr dashboard and it was too good not to steal. Anyone and everyone who wanted to give up this year but is still here, you should be proud of yourselves.)

Happy new year!

2013 is nearly over, hip hip hooray! Not that it really matters because even though people like to believe that a new year means suddenly everything will be better that just isn't the case. The fact it's a different number just means we'll all get confused when writing the date.

Anyway, lets all admit it, 2013 hasn't really been a brilliant year for the majority of people. (and contrary to what I just said i do hope 2014 is fabulous for you all) and it's really easy to focus on all the terrible things that happened through out the year. So i'm writing this purely to help me realize that 2013 wasn't all bad..

Things I'm proud of:

While I didn't pass any a-levels and managed to drop out of two college courses I did manage some equally as important things that even though they won't help me with my future I'm still quite proud...

I completed 290 levels on candy crush ( Sad, I know). I didn't kill myself or anyone else! I ate in front of people. I managed (for a short while) to put recovery first. I started going to church again. I made a half decent army-tank cake. I attempted to go back into education. This blog got over 2400 page views! I didn't catch herpes. I didn't get addicted to drugs. (The last two are just to make my list seem longer..)

Good things that happened:

I had the best birthday I've ever had (Thanks Jilly!). I got to lay in the dark with my friends and watch shooting stars! I got to watch the sunset from the top of warwick castle. God gave me the most wonderful friend I could I ask for. A lot of summer was spent intoxicated with my friends. I cant think of anymore but i'm sure their was more than that!

This year I'm going to do that thing where you write down every good thing that happens on a piece of paper, fold it up and put it in a jar and on NYE'14 you look at all the good things that happened, how cool is that?!

Well, I hope you all have a wonderful night if you're going to be welcoming the new year in and I hope each and every one of you has an absolutely brilliant year because you all deserve to! xxx

i hate christmas.

Its just gone midnight, so it is officially Christmas. If I was 8 years old I'd of been asleep long ago because everyone knows if you're awake Santa won't come. But because i'm no longer 8 years old midnight is just the perfect time to over think absolutely everything.

This year has been a funny year. I spent half of it putting recovery first, then the other half putting it on hold. Last Christmas I was so prepared for dinner. I didn't need to panic at stupid o'clock. Quorn cottage pie (213 Kcals). This year I'm not sure if I'm with my family for Christmas, or with someone else's because I am so indecisive. So not only do I have the battle of doireallywanttospendchristmaswithmysistersboyfriend?
I also have all this circling my somewhat jumbled brain.

Can't I just hibernate for the day? orwillthatspoilthings?
If I stay at home what will I eat? enoughtosatistfyothers? anamountthatwontmakemehatemyself?
But then I might binge at home? toomuchchocolateequalsemotionallydia.
What would I eat at someone else's house? canigetawaywithnoteating? oristhatrude?
idontknowwhattodoandimsoanxiousthatimcrying. 
whydoholidaysrevolvearoundfood?
im99.99%surethatwhateverdecisionimakeimgoingtospoilsomeoneschristmas.
Ihaventevenconsideredbreakfastorsupperyet.
andwhataboutboxingday?!

It's fair to say I have gotten myself into a right tizz and I'm not entirely sure what I am going to do about it. I am convinced i'm going to ruin Christmas. Im going to stop myself from continuing my rambling now.

On a less selfish note, I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas. (Please remember it's all about Jesus and not all about what presents you get!)

Christmas with an eating disorder.

Christmas is supposed to be a time filled with family, food and celebrations. Chocolates and sweets are constantly available, advent calenders, tins, selection boxes. Lets not forget all the food at the parties... the calories in alcohol or the millions of mince pies consumed. Brilliant!

Now think about what christmas day is like in your house, For our family its bacon and toast for breakfast, the mid morning raid of the tin of chocolate, then christmas dinner  Turkey, roast potatoes, pigs in blankets, yorkshire puddings, carrots, peas and gravy. Now lets not forget about pudding, depending on what we fancy, Ice cream? Cake? Both?! Maybe even with second helpings! And the glasses of wine... Then the "I'm full but i'm going to eat some more chocolate, chocolate." Then the late at night supper which is probably turkey sandwiches, followed by even more chocolate, simply because it's there.

The family is over and everyone's enjoying there meals and moaning that they've eaten too much but not being too phased because after all, it's christmas!  The average person has consumed 6,000 calories, 3 times the recommended daily amount, but still, it's christmas, who cares?!

But what about when you have an eating disorder. When sitting at that table with a plate piled with food is the last thing you want, when you try to eat it so you don't ruin everyone else's christmas but suddenly the guilt of eating is killing you. What about when family members point out that you haven't eaten a lot. Or when you're told "Treat yourself, it's christmas" as if the eating disorder takes a day off for the holidays.

Christmas is supposed to be filled with joy and happiness, not guilt and self hatred. Christmas with an eating disorder is hard. Please just think before you say anything to a loved one who you know or suspect might be suffering. Don't make a big deal about how much or how little they've eaten. Don't try to guilt trip them into eating. Don't constantly ask questions or constantly offer food when they've already rejected the 300 other times you'd asked. Christmas is hard without family making it harder.

Charlie speaks the truth!

"You know what I'm sick to death of? This idea society has where you can't say good things about yourself because it's considered arrogant. It's more okay to say 'I'm shit' rather than 'I'm THE shit' it's more acceptable to self loath than self love. As soon as you flaunt your talent or what you like about yourself you're labeled big headed and this drives me mad! There's nothing wrong with being proud of your achievements or if you like the way you look one day there's nothing wrong with going out and saying 'damn I look good today' (and if you know you look good but say you look shit so someone will tell you don't - stop it right now!!!! You don't need anyone else to do that okay!!!! You don't need anyone's reassurance) don't be afraid to say 'you know what, I'm awesome' to be honest I'd much rather sit and listen to someone say what they like about themselves rather than everything they hate. I find it more attractive when someone is confident and comfortable in their own skin. I worked hard for everything in my life and I'm not ashamed to say I'm proud of everything I've achieved. I can run 10miles, I'm good at writing, I love my hair and my eyes and I also love the way my legs look in skinny jeans. So society am I an arrogant, big headed, over confident, self centered person because I said what I liked about myself rather than what I hated? Because if I am then, my friends, the world really is a screwed up place." - Charlie Attrill.

I have never read anything more accurate in my entire life. So please guys, instead of talking yourselves down, talk yourself up! What do you like about yourself? What are you good at? What talents do you have?! (if your answer to those 3 questions was 'Nothing, Nothing, None' then please think harder and be nicer to yourself!)

I like my eyes when my eyeliner goes right and as wrong as it is I like the gap between my thighs. I'm good at listening to other people and I'm good at baking (and even better at eating what I've baked). I dont have any amazing talents but I love it when I make people laugh.

Being kind to yourself shouldn't be seen as a bad thing! You are awesome and its okay to treat yourself like you are!  

Who am I?

Am I the 10 year old Lydia who was above average or the 17 year old that's far below?
Am I a hypocrite for preaching recovery when I'm relapsing?
Am I the girl who doesn't eat when she's in public or the girl who'll binge until she can barely move in private?
Am I a victim of sexual assault or am I survivor?
Am I the results I got in my GCSES or am I simply just a 'drop out'?
Am I 'One of the triplets' or am I an individual?
Am I the person who's always helping others, or the person who always needs help?
Am I the self inflicted scars or the scars that have a story behind them?
Am I the girl who trusts in God when things are going okay, or the girl who doubts her beliefs when they're not?
Am I the socially awkward introverted Lydia or the Lydia who is drunk but suddenly extroverted?
Am I the names I call myself, or the names other people call me?
Am I the size of my jeans, the number on the scale, or the reflection I see in the mirror?
Am I the gap between my chunky thighs or the bulge of my stomach?
Am I the tidiness f my bedroom or the messiness of my mind?
Am I the girl who once had hopes for the future or the girl who gave up?
Am I the 800+ friends on facebook, or the 130 followers on twitter?
Am I the energetic Lydia that was always up to something, or the one who now struggles to get out of bed?
Am I the 99% of me that's given up or the 1% that's still fighting?
Am I the Lydia that wants a baby or the Lydia who's unable to have one?
Am I the Lydia that used to try her best at everything, or the Lydia who no longer tries?
I don't know who I am.

I have no idea...

I managed to stumble across THIS post the other day. For those who haven't clicked on the link it's entitled "5 Reasons to date a girl with an eating disorder" and I'm going to respond to the reasons given and possibly add more reasons why you wouldn't want to date a girl with an eating disorder.

"1. Her obsession with her body will improve her overall looks"

I wanted to find an image of a person with anorexia that I could put a link to but that could be triggering. So If you honestly think having an eating disorder improves someones looks then I suggest you put 'Anorexic' into google images. Thinned hair, bones jutting out, a layer of lanugo hair, looking painfully emaciated, mmmm really sexy, right? No thought not.

"2. She costs less money"

This bit is referring to when going out for a meal, maybe it's true, on the other hand if her eating disorder is bulimia or binge eating disorder chances are it could cost you a lot more. And besides, just because you spend less on food doesn't mean she costs less, have you seen the prices of diet pills and laxatives?!

"3. She's fragile and vulnerable"

There is possibly some truth to this. Though i personally wouldn't want to date someone who is emotionally fragile, if you can cope with constant crying and self hatred then go a head find someone fragile. Although on the other hand a lot of the people I know with eating disorders are certainly not vulnerable, they are control freaks and certainly aren't like the girls that the author of that post describes.

"4.Probably has money of her own"

As mentioned in point 2, diet pills and laxatives cost a fortune. As does a gym membership, and binges/binge food can total up to a shocking amount of money. Not everyone with an eating disorder "Comes from money" When I had an eating disorder I was skint, sorry!

"5. She's better in bed"

That's if you can even get her into bed. Loss of libido (sex drive) Is a common side-effect of eating disorders. Insecurities about their body would also be another thing to think about, and the lack of energy from starving/purging. I'm not sure these are what makes somebody 'better in bed'.

Goodbye Cafe!

After 13months volunteering at the community cafe I have finally said goodbye! But looking back on the past year I have learnt a lot. Maybe not as much as everyone else my age who's doing A-levels but none the less, I've still learnt some rather valuable lessons.

While school told me not to judge a book by it's cover it didn't tell me not to judge a person by their exterior. Maybe because at school everyone has to dress and act the same. While at the cafe I came in to contact with a lot of people some of which lived in a council flat, chain smoked, lived off benefits and their personal hygiene wasn't all that hygienic... before I would of probably ran a mile from such people but actually they are lovely. The stories I got to hear about people's lives were fascinating and actually the people were possibly friendlier than some of my acquaintances.

I've also learnt that recovery is an option. A few of the people I came into contact with had recovered from something, whether it was self-injury, drug use, alcoholism or an eating disorder. These people had recovered and if they can, why can't I? It was while at the cafe recovery, for me, became a choice as opposed to a chore. When you're surrounded by so many inspiring and supportive people on a day to day basis instead of being surrounded by the muppets at school it can do wonderful things!

I've learnt a lot about myself to - good and bad! So here some not as important things that i've learnt.... I can eat yellow food. I don't want to become a chef. I am the laziest person on the planet. Given time my confidence grows. People shouldn't scare me as much as they do. School years are not the best years of your life. Most people have 2 sugars in their tea. Curry is actually quite nice.

The most important thing I've learnt is that God works miracles on a daily basis!