I am scared.

In 77 days, that's 110,880 minutes, and if you prefer 6,652,800 seconds I will be on my way to South Africa. I will be there for 42 days, that's 60,480 minutes, and if you prefer 3,628,800. In the 1008 hours that I'm there my life style will have to be completely different to what it is now. Things. Need. To. Change.

Now, while 6,652,800 seconds might seem a lot, it's not as long as something else I've been waiting for. Help. I've been actively trying to get help for more than 365+ days, that's 525,949 + minutes, and if you prefer 31,356,000 seconds and counting... If I'd of been given the help I need even 100 days ago, that would be better than the position I'm in now.

I have 77 days in which I need to recover. Now I have to make up my mind of how to go about this. Do I spend, perhaps, 30 days attempting to lose weight and get to a low enough weight that they will have no choice but to help me, then give them 47 days to stabilize not only my mental but my physical health to.  Or the other option is go it alone. 77days. That's 231 meals, 154000 calories (assuming a normal amount is 2000 per day), and a weight gain to deal with, without the help of professionals and with very little support. For some reason I don't think either have a very high success rate.

So instead in 77days all my disorders behaviors will suddenly have to STOP. I will have no choice but to hold down meals and eat off different plates and consume more than 300 kcals a day, I wont be able to make my own meals so I know exactly what goes into it and I certainly wont have internet access to google the calorie contents. That scares me. I will not mentally be able to cope with that.

I needed the support to have started 365 days ago. In fact the support should of started 1826 days ago. But the mental health services and (sometimes) doctors are rubbish because to them it doesn't matter how low I feel because my BMI is too high. Im scared about being 5979 miles away from home knowing that I will not be able to cope simply because my mental health was determined by my physical appearance. Oh NHS, you've got something wrong.