anxious.

I have packed for Africa, it was harder than I expected. I am anxious about everything. "How many pairs of pants will I need for 6 weeks?" must of come across as my biggest worry as I asked it about 50 times over the past two days. (12, I've packed 12 and im still not sure that's enough).

I am so anxious it hurts. My tummy is an a huge (very huge because my tummy is massive) knot. I've packed, unpacked and repacked my suitcase more times than I can count. Checked, double checked and triple checked that my passport is in my case. I wish thats where the anxiety ended but unfortunately it's not.

I'm scared to leave my family behind and I'm scared of how much will have changed by the time I get back. I'm scared to leave those of my friends that suffer with mental-illness and often come to me just to chat. I'm worried that something bad might happen while I'm there.

I am anxious about meeting new people, I hate people.  I hate using other people's toilets/showers/baths let alone sleeping in a bed somebody else has slept in. I'm anxious about eating in front of strangers because they'll sit there and laugh at how the fat girl is stuffing her face. And don't even get me started on being seen in a swimming-costume, I look like a whale and everyone will judge me. How can I lose a stone in 3 days?

I'm petrified that my mental health will get worse and I won't be able to cope and become needy/emotional/withdrawn and ruin things for everyone. I'm terrified that I will do what I do best and just get in the way.  And what if nobody likes me?!

On the bright side I will not be able to binge for 6 weeks so maybe I will find some normality. I'm going to see a part of the world that not many people my age have seen and have loads of new experiences. I get 6 weeks off of work and it'll be my birthday. I'll be with my best-friend and who know's I might even get a tan. But none of that changes the fact that it feels like i'm either about to explode or puke.

I am terrified and excited at the same time and this is an odd feeling.