It only dawned on me last night when I got ID'd for buying alcohol that I am actually an adult. When I was younger all I wanted to do was grow up as quickly as possible thinking I was a "Big girl" at 4 years old and not letting anybody treat me as child from the age of about ten.
But I don't want to be an adult, I still feel like the fragile-heartsore-scaredofeverybody nine year old that I was, but I just look different now. I'm okay with some aspects of being an adult, you know like alcohol.. and going to work everyday.. but the rest of me wants to still be a child, because I'm scared of the most pathetic things.
Going into shops makes me nervous and if a member of staff asks if they can help me I panic and leave (even if i found exactly what i was looking for). People on tills make me nervous and i'm thankful when a shop has self checkouts. I'm for the most part scared of anybody over 35. I've received so many inappropriate texts from old men who won't leave me alone that sometimes I even panic when I see i've got a message and talking on the phone makes me feel sick, if my phone rings and someone else is close by I get them to answer it and I'd never phone to make an appointment.
Paying rent just seems like a waste of money when I'm never at home because I'm working all day for practically nothing an hour. I threw my letter about voting in the bin because I've not got a clue about politics and my vote wouldn't matter anyway. I get far too panicky in cars so I probably won't learn to drive. I make people talk on my behalf and decisions are never my own, and I'm sure i'm doing this adult-thing wrong.
If you asked 10 year old me what my life would be like when I was finally an adult i'd of said something like "I'd be confident and not living with mummy and daddy i'd have lots of money a good job and a nice car and maybe i'll get married" and 10 year old me couldn't have got it more wrong.
1 Peter 5:7 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
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