I cant sleep.

I wish I knew why things suddenly seem so difficult. Things are supposed to be good aren't they? When you're a healthy weight and only work 3 days a week and get to feed ducks as and when you feel like it.

But for some reason they aren't. Everything is hard. Breathing, eating, sleeping, talking, moving.

My love hate relationship with recovery has taken a dive to the 'Hate' end of the scale. I can't think about anything other than losing weight and today for the first time in a long time I felt guilty for sitting down. Standing up burns more calories, if I had to sit it couldn't be still, i had to wiggle and fidget and tap and do anything I could to burn calories. I wish I knew why I'm losing control.

And have you ever sat in a room full of people and realized how lonely you are? Okay this one I get all the time. It's because i'm awkward. People and I, just don't mix. If I can actually hold down a conversation or even say 'Hello' to a person (And make eye contact for that second) I am doing well. It's lonely when you can't talk to people, when the fear or saying something wrong or sounding stupid physically stops you from being able to speak. It's horrible knowing that I'm different to everyone else. My fear of people is actually ridiculous, At church on Sunday I couldn't even go and be prayed for (something that I only ever managed to do in Africa) because I was scared of people seeing me, judging me, asking me questions. It's horrible.

I used to sleep all the time, it stopped me thinking, stopped me eating. But now falling asleep at night is pretty much impossible. I spend hours and hours lying in bed but can't sleep because my brain will not switch off because my thoughts are going at 600MPH. WhatshouldIeattomorrow/whatifihatemynewjob/whatifeveryonehatesme/iwonderhowmuchweightidloseif/oooohshiny/ishouldbeasleep/ivegotsofat/iwonderificanstilldoacartwheel/iwonderwhatiddoifieversathepersonwhoassaultedme/twinkletwinklelittlestar. It's almost like I have no control over my thoughts anymore and that freaks me out.

I wish I was normal.