Dear blog readers,
Firstly I'd like to thank each and everyone of you for helping me reach 2000 page views, I didn't even expect to get 5 let alone 2000! My blog has also been read in 14 different countries how exciting is that! (Actually it's probably not that exciting but I really didn't expect anybody to read my blog). You are all fabulous!!
So here's the thing, I need you fabulous people to help me. I'm not sure what kind of things my readers would like me to write about and need your suggestions. If there is something you'd like me to touch on please let me know! This could be anything whether it's serious or just a bit of fun.
I've recently had two suggestions, one person saying I don't write in my blog enough and should perhaps make it more diary-like. The other person said "You're blog is crap why would anyone even read it? Why bother with it?" (To which I could only reply- I don't know.)
So wonderful people I'm giving you the opportunity to tell me what you want to see on my blog! If you haven't already noticed there is an option to 'Comment' on my posts. So if you could please comment (you can do this anonymously) about what you want me to write about or any suggestions of how I can improve my blog. Alternatively if you have me on facebook you can message me on there.
Once again thank-you so much brilliant people!
Yours Sincerely
Lydia x x x
Ps. How awkward/embarrassing would it be if I get no feedback....
Wednesday, 23 October 2013
Tuesday, 22 October 2013
I can't even put into words..
I saw a post on tumblr once about a person whose family member got diagnosed with cancer and was told he had an 87% chance of recovery.
Only around 46% of anorexics completely recover and as many as 1 in 5 (that's 20%) of anorexia suffers will die prematurely. It is a deadly disease just like cancer is.
I understand that halloween is about dressing up and its just a 'bit of fun' but you wouldn't dress as a person who has a physical illness as opposed to a mental one.
I am actually disgusted. Stick to being witches or whatever it is people dress up as for halloween.
Monday, 21 October 2013
Don't do it!
If you have a friend who is struggling with an eating disorder it can be hard to know how to help them. This means a lot off the time people say or do the wrong thing. Eating disorders are very complicated and i'm still not entirely sure I understand them so how is someone who's never had one before going to understand? They're not.
But here is a list of things NOT to say to someone with an eating disorder (even if they're in recovery). All of these have been said to me and they're certainly not helpful.
"You look healthier" - This will be interpreted as 'You've got fat'
"What have you eaten today?" - This puts us in an awkward position. Chance's are we'll lie and pretend to have eaten a healthy amount to make you happy. On the other hand we could tell the truth and see how disappointed you are and even worse you might decide to give us a long lecture about things we already know.
"If you think you're fat what does that make me?" - STOP. The way we see ourselves does not affect the way we see anybody else. We see you exactly as you are. Just because we might see ourselves as fat does not mean anybody who weighs more is instantly morbidly obese.
Anything that comments on the amount of food we've consumed. - things like "That's the most i've ever seen you eat" after pointing that out you can almost be certain that the rest of the day will be spent feeling guilty and possibly purging. Or even "Is that all you're going to eat? That's not enough" - Sit down and shut up. The fact that we've even eaten anything at all that day could be a major triumph. It makes everything awkward and could even put us off our food completely.
"Why are you doing this to me?" - We aren't. Its as simple as that. Eating disorders aren't some form of revenge we're not trying to get back at someone. We're doing this to ourselves and most of the time we probably aren't sure why.
I did have a long list of things not to say but unsurprisingly i've forgotten them all so this will have to do. I'm going to sleep, goodnight.
But here is a list of things NOT to say to someone with an eating disorder (even if they're in recovery). All of these have been said to me and they're certainly not helpful.
"You look healthier" - This will be interpreted as 'You've got fat'
"What have you eaten today?" - This puts us in an awkward position. Chance's are we'll lie and pretend to have eaten a healthy amount to make you happy. On the other hand we could tell the truth and see how disappointed you are and even worse you might decide to give us a long lecture about things we already know.
"If you think you're fat what does that make me?" - STOP. The way we see ourselves does not affect the way we see anybody else. We see you exactly as you are. Just because we might see ourselves as fat does not mean anybody who weighs more is instantly morbidly obese.
Anything that comments on the amount of food we've consumed. - things like "That's the most i've ever seen you eat" after pointing that out you can almost be certain that the rest of the day will be spent feeling guilty and possibly purging. Or even "Is that all you're going to eat? That's not enough" - Sit down and shut up. The fact that we've even eaten anything at all that day could be a major triumph. It makes everything awkward and could even put us off our food completely.
"Why are you doing this to me?" - We aren't. Its as simple as that. Eating disorders aren't some form of revenge we're not trying to get back at someone. We're doing this to ourselves and most of the time we probably aren't sure why.
I did have a long list of things not to say but unsurprisingly i've forgotten them all so this will have to do. I'm going to sleep, goodnight.
Tuesday, 15 October 2013
Talking to myself.
Recovery isn't easy. Recovery scares me. Recovery makes me hate my body even more. Recovery seems to involve lots of relapses. Recovery means somewhat losing control. Recovery will be worth it.
I always get mad at myself when I have bad days with regards to my disorder. It makes me feel weak, like I'm failing. The same way that 3 spoons of soup made me feel fat. I know the soup won't make me gain 10lbs and I know that even attempting recovery makes me strong. But the disordered thoughts, they aren't real. They just seem like it because they're inside my head.More than 3 spoons of soup will make me fat. If I drink more than 500ml of water I will gain weight. If I eat that I am going to have to hurt myself. If I eat this I'll have to restrict tomorrow. I can eat that but only if I go for a run.
Thoughts aren't facts. They're not real, they're disordered.
Tomorrow will be better.
“Food is something I am going to have to face at least three times a day for the rest of my life. And I am not perfect. But one really bad day does not mean that I am hopeless and back at square one with my eating disorder. Olympic ice skaters fall in their quest for gold. Heisman trophy winners throw interceptions. Professional singers forget the words. And people with eating disorders sometimes slip back into an old pattern. But all of these individuals just pick themselves back up and do the next right thing. The ice skater makes the next jump. The football player throws the next pass. The singer finishes the song. And I am going to eat breakfast”
Life Without Ed - Jenni S.
I always get mad at myself when I have bad days with regards to my disorder. It makes me feel weak, like I'm failing. The same way that 3 spoons of soup made me feel fat. I know the soup won't make me gain 10lbs and I know that even attempting recovery makes me strong. But the disordered thoughts, they aren't real. They just seem like it because they're inside my head.
Thursday, 26 September 2013
Mental Patient!
Retailers Asda, Tesco and Amazon advertised their 'Mental Patient' and 'Psycho Ward' Halloween costumes recently. The costumes boast fake blood, meat cleavers, boiler suits, jaw restraints, and you can 'complete the look' with a machete!
Clearly as a 'mental patient' I was shocked by this. Mental illness has enough stigma around it without needing halloween costumes to add to it. So inspired by the responses on twitter I thought i'd show you what a 'mental patient costume' looks like... So as you can see here is a picture of me.
Please note that there is a lack of meat cleavers and machetes, no blood and nothing out of the ordinary. There is on the other hand Jeans and a jumper that's far too big for me. Others posting similar images of themselves on twitter include them wearing, suits, t-shirts, dresses, leggings and well the same clothes a normal person wears! They also aren't holding dangerous objects. And just to clarify if you've never seen us mental patients before we don't actually have blurred faces. Shocking, I know.
We don't wear clothes that show we're mentally ill, we don't go around with warning signs and we don't walk around with meat cleavers. Mental illness doesn't have a certain look to go with it, you can't see them and you certainly can't distinguish a mentally ill person by what they are wearing. Just in case you didn't know that...
Monday, 16 September 2013
Distractions
As promised here are some alternatives to self-harm and/or distractions. I know that some if not all of these may seem like stupid ideas when you have the urge to self-harm but please give them ago even if it just delays the amount of time between getting the urge and giving into the urge. Hopefully some of these you can use as a distraction until the urge goes completely.
Depending on the emotion you're feeling you may want to try different things.
Angry/frustrated
Go for a walk/run/cycle.
Punch pillows (or a sibling) (actually don't punch your siblings)
Kick a football really hard.
Throw ice against a wall, watch it shatter!
Play a sport.
Snap sticks/pencils/whatever.
Just have an urge for 'no reason'
Take a cold bath.
Squeeze ice cubes.
Keep pinging an elastic band on your wrist.
Focus on breathing, notice how your body moves, this is apparently calming,
Feeling Depressed or unhappyDo something relaxing, have a warm bath with lots of bubbles.
Listen to music (Happy music that is) and dance around.
Talk. To anyone about anything.
If you enjoy doing something do it. (playing an instrument, some form of game console thing, anything that makes you somewhat happier)
Other things you could do to distract yourself.Sleep! Read, drink tea, bake something, do some gardening, write your feelings down then tear it up. Some form of exercise, use google translate to try and learn a new language, watch videos of cats on youtube. Visit a friend or relative, watch a film, (finding nemo is good), build a blanket fort. Draw on yourself with pen. Write a poem, draw/paint a picture, Just do something you enjoy doing.
A really important thing to do is TALK. You don't have to struggle on you're own, it is okay to need help and there are people who care about you.
Depending on the emotion you're feeling you may want to try different things.
Angry/frustrated
Go for a walk/run/cycle.
Punch pillows (or a sibling) (actually don't punch your siblings)
Kick a football really hard.
Throw ice against a wall, watch it shatter!
Play a sport.
Snap sticks/pencils/whatever.
Just have an urge for 'no reason'
Take a cold bath.
Squeeze ice cubes.
Keep pinging an elastic band on your wrist.
Focus on breathing, notice how your body moves, this is apparently calming,
Feeling Depressed or unhappyDo something relaxing, have a warm bath with lots of bubbles.
Listen to music (Happy music that is) and dance around.
Talk. To anyone about anything.
If you enjoy doing something do it. (playing an instrument, some form of game console thing, anything that makes you somewhat happier)
Other things you could do to distract yourself.Sleep! Read, drink tea, bake something, do some gardening, write your feelings down then tear it up. Some form of exercise, use google translate to try and learn a new language, watch videos of cats on youtube. Visit a friend or relative, watch a film, (finding nemo is good), build a blanket fort. Draw on yourself with pen. Write a poem, draw/paint a picture, Just do something you enjoy doing.
A really important thing to do is TALK. You don't have to struggle on you're own, it is okay to need help and there are people who care about you.
Self injury
Like 90% of my other posts i'm not entirely sure of what I'm trying to say or how to word it. So if you haven't guessed by the title this post is on self injury.
Firstly I'd like to say that people need to stop romanticizing self harm. It's not something that the opposite sex (or the same sex, whatever you're in to) is going to find pretty or poetic or interesting. It is not cute it is not going to make people suddenly fall in love with you and its not 'tragically beautiful'. Boys aren't going to want to kiss every one of your scars when they first see them, don't believe it when you read rubbish like that on tumblr.
Secondly don't go bitching about other peoples injuries. Like seriously I am sick of hearing people say behind a self harmers back 'they don't even look that bad' STOP RIGHT THERE OKAY. Self harm is self harm. Whether deep enough to need stitches or whether it barely scratches the surface. Whether they punch themselves, burn themselves, pull their hair, cut themselves or anything else that hurts it is self harm. Whether they've done it once or a thousand times it is still self harm. Whatever their injury, however deep or 'bad' it is every self-harmer is hurting emotionally. As well as this, Stop saying that they're just 'attention seeking' when most of the time they'll go out of their way to hide the fact they do it. If they have done it for attention its because they NEED the attention. They need help and maybe they're too scared to out-right ask for it. Stop judging them.
Also, stop posting millions of facebook status' about self harm just for likes. It's almost like these people are making it seem like self-harm is an okay thing to do, it's not. Im not saying its wrong to self-harm im saying that there is better ways to deal with your emotions and people need to promote those rather than promote self-harm. Self harm is serious not some romantic, cute, clever thing. Not something to post about on facebook when you want likes on a status please bare in mind that some people may find posts like these triggering!
I'll post soon on alternatives to self-harm which will hopefully help anyone struggling rather than glamorizing self-injury like the rest of you. Sorry if this makes no sense but I needed to rant, byeeeeee.
- To all the people who do self-harm, I honestly hope that you'll find an alternative way to deal with whatever you're going through. Please surround yourself with people who are willing to support you through this period of time (People who you feel you can give blades to, people you can talk to when you have urges). It also might be worth looking at THIS website, it has self help guides for self injury and other mental illnesses. Also please remember to look after your wounds - keeping them clean to avoid infections. If you accidentally cut too deep or something please go to A&E to get the appropriate treatment. If you have me on facebook please dont hesitate to message me in times of struggle.
Firstly I'd like to say that people need to stop romanticizing self harm. It's not something that the opposite sex (or the same sex, whatever you're in to) is going to find pretty or poetic or interesting. It is not cute it is not going to make people suddenly fall in love with you and its not 'tragically beautiful'. Boys aren't going to want to kiss every one of your scars when they first see them, don't believe it when you read rubbish like that on tumblr.
Secondly don't go bitching about other peoples injuries. Like seriously I am sick of hearing people say behind a self harmers back 'they don't even look that bad' STOP RIGHT THERE OKAY. Self harm is self harm. Whether deep enough to need stitches or whether it barely scratches the surface. Whether they punch themselves, burn themselves, pull their hair, cut themselves or anything else that hurts it is self harm. Whether they've done it once or a thousand times it is still self harm. Whatever their injury, however deep or 'bad' it is every self-harmer is hurting emotionally. As well as this, Stop saying that they're just 'attention seeking' when most of the time they'll go out of their way to hide the fact they do it. If they have done it for attention its because they NEED the attention. They need help and maybe they're too scared to out-right ask for it. Stop judging them.
Also, stop posting millions of facebook status' about self harm just for likes. It's almost like these people are making it seem like self-harm is an okay thing to do, it's not. Im not saying its wrong to self-harm im saying that there is better ways to deal with your emotions and people need to promote those rather than promote self-harm. Self harm is serious not some romantic, cute, clever thing. Not something to post about on facebook when you want likes on a status please bare in mind that some people may find posts like these triggering!
I'll post soon on alternatives to self-harm which will hopefully help anyone struggling rather than glamorizing self-injury like the rest of you. Sorry if this makes no sense but I needed to rant, byeeeeee.
- To all the people who do self-harm, I honestly hope that you'll find an alternative way to deal with whatever you're going through. Please surround yourself with people who are willing to support you through this period of time (People who you feel you can give blades to, people you can talk to when you have urges). It also might be worth looking at THIS website, it has self help guides for self injury and other mental illnesses. Also please remember to look after your wounds - keeping them clean to avoid infections. If you accidentally cut too deep or something please go to A&E to get the appropriate treatment. If you have me on facebook please dont hesitate to message me in times of struggle.
Saturday, 7 September 2013
Slow and steady wins the race?
I am typing this only with my left hand. It's taking a long time and is really difficult because this is not what I am used to. If I don't go slow I press the wrong letters and sentences end up like
"woo im sp fast at typung with my lrft hand... that actuakky wrnt better thab expected"
You cant even see the fact that I am struggling but I am. I'm gettinng better at it but it still doesn't feel normal. My right hand is dying to take over and be like "Yo dude, I got this, I can make this easier" because that is what It's always done. But I am determined to finish this paragraph using only my left hand. It's taken me a long time to do what is a 'simple' task because I have to concentrate to make sure I do not mess up. But i have done it.
That is what recovery is like. I have to go very slowly and sometimes I mess up. Nobody else can see how much of a struggle certain things are and my old habits are dying to take over just like my right hand was dying to take over the typing. Although it may seem simple "Just eat/Just be happy/Just do this and that and the other" In reality it's not as simple as it may sound. It's very time consuming and isn't what I am used to.
I am going slowly but just like rushing the typing if i try to rush recovery I will just end up making a mess out of things. So if the whole world can bare with me while my concentration is else where that would be much appreciated.
I'm not sure if this even makes sense, i hope it does otherwise i've wasted a lot of time on this post. I'd also like to apologize for that lack of posts, I am ever so sorry! I promise not to dessert you for this long ever again!
(This is a pathetic excuse of a post but there is no otherway I can think of to describe whats going on in my life at the moment)
"woo im sp fast at typung with my lrft hand... that actuakky wrnt better thab expected"
You cant even see the fact that I am struggling but I am. I'm gettinng better at it but it still doesn't feel normal. My right hand is dying to take over and be like "Yo dude, I got this, I can make this easier" because that is what It's always done. But I am determined to finish this paragraph using only my left hand. It's taken me a long time to do what is a 'simple' task because I have to concentrate to make sure I do not mess up. But i have done it.
That is what recovery is like. I have to go very slowly and sometimes I mess up. Nobody else can see how much of a struggle certain things are and my old habits are dying to take over just like my right hand was dying to take over the typing. Although it may seem simple "Just eat/Just be happy/Just do this and that and the other" In reality it's not as simple as it may sound. It's very time consuming and isn't what I am used to.
I am going slowly but just like rushing the typing if i try to rush recovery I will just end up making a mess out of things. So if the whole world can bare with me while my concentration is else where that would be much appreciated.
I'm not sure if this even makes sense, i hope it does otherwise i've wasted a lot of time on this post. I'd also like to apologize for that lack of posts, I am ever so sorry! I promise not to dessert you for this long ever again!
(This is a pathetic excuse of a post but there is no otherway I can think of to describe whats going on in my life at the moment)
Thursday, 15 August 2013
What would you do if you weren't afraid?
Drop out of school and move to a third world country to help the poor.
Runaway and become an actress.Speak out about my past struggles with self injury and eating disorders instead of being embarrassed.
Jump out of a plane.
Bungee Jump.
Talk to people, like, about serious stuff.
Go out in public without looking down.
Go on a Plane or a boat.
Climb a mountain, I'd love to climb a mountain but I have a huge fear of falling.
Go out in a dress, shorts or a skirt but I hate my body so much.
Go in a hot air balloon, sky dive, run away with the circus.
Travel the world.
Write a book about my struggles in order to help others.
Move away and start completely new, stop being surrounded by people who make me feel worthless and be surrounded by nature and happiness.
Recover.
Everything I've wanted to do.
Become who I wanted to be without having to be scared of hurting people.
I'd do what I could to make everything better. Make life better, get rid of other peoples fears. Make sure all my friends are well.
Be myself instead of trying to be what society wants.
Make a difference to other peoples lives.
Eat what I want when I want with out having to feel guilty.
Meet new people who treat me the way I deserve to be treated.
Leave this place on the little bit of money I have a break free from all the stuff I deal with.
WHAT WOULD YOU DO?
(Thankyou everyone who gave me their answers!)
(Thankyou everyone who gave me their answers!)
Friday, 2 August 2013
Birthday Blog!
After spending the past few months dreading being 17 its finally here. I remember once sitting with someone when things were at my worst and I was at my lowest weight and them asking "What do you want to do when you leave school?" I replied with "I wont live that long" and at the time I meant it.
I was convinced that I would not live past 16 and wasn't coping with the thought of being 17. 17 is old and I don't really think i'll get anywhere in life and blah blah blah. Today was supposed to be a hard day and in someways it was. The early hours were spent telling someone I care about that suicide wasn't the answer to their problems.
I hate birthdays but this one although off to a rough start has been quite alright. It always shocks me when people say nice things to me on my birthday, like hello, why? Im such a gimp guys. But it is actually amazing how the small kind comments make a big difference 'To the BEST neighbour in the WORLD and a lovely person to be around' 'To our lovely Lydia' 'Happy birthday brownie , you may be only 17 and im ----, but you are one amazing friend xxx' 'you've gotten through another year and i'm so proud of you... Thankyou for being a brilliant friend' ''I hope you have the most wondefullest birthday my dearest, you deserve it more than anyone I know '
AND the most exciting bit about today? The fact that i have a wonderful friend who threw me a wonderful surprise party thing and Jilly you are brilliant and I can't thank you enough. I am so touched by today and thank you everyone who made today bearable like I can't even put into words right now how much peoples kind words and actions mean to me.
And guess what.... I made it to 17! Hoorah (I think) even though that means im an adult next year so should probably think about doing something with me life, but i'll panic about that in something like 330days.. Once again thankyou brilliant people, especially you Mrs Walker!!! It means sooo sooo soooo much xxxxxxxxxxxxx
(And thankyou everyone for the presents/cards/messages. You're all fab)
((Note to self: Diet starts tomorrow, birthdays are rubbish reasons to binge))
I was convinced that I would not live past 16 and wasn't coping with the thought of being 17. 17 is old and I don't really think i'll get anywhere in life and blah blah blah. Today was supposed to be a hard day and in someways it was. The early hours were spent telling someone I care about that suicide wasn't the answer to their problems.
I hate birthdays but this one although off to a rough start has been quite alright. It always shocks me when people say nice things to me on my birthday, like hello, why? Im such a gimp guys. But it is actually amazing how the small kind comments make a big difference 'To the BEST neighbour in the WORLD and a lovely person to be around' 'To our lovely Lydia' 'Happy birthday brownie , you may be only 17 and im ----, but you are one amazing friend xxx' 'you've gotten through another year and i'm so proud of you... Thankyou for being a brilliant friend' ''I hope you have the most wondefullest birthday my dearest, you deserve it more than anyone I know '
AND the most exciting bit about today? The fact that i have a wonderful friend who threw me a wonderful surprise party thing and Jilly you are brilliant and I can't thank you enough. I am so touched by today and thank you everyone who made today bearable like I can't even put into words right now how much peoples kind words and actions mean to me.
And guess what.... I made it to 17! Hoorah (I think) even though that means im an adult next year so should probably think about doing something with me life, but i'll panic about that in something like 330days.. Once again thankyou brilliant people, especially you Mrs Walker!!! It means sooo sooo soooo much xxxxxxxxxxxxx
(And thankyou everyone for the presents/cards/messages. You're all fab)
((Note to self: Diet starts tomorrow, birthdays are rubbish reasons to binge))
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