My posts all seem the same these days. South Africa and anorexia. For that I apologize but they currently both are taking up a lot of my brain space. So here I am again counting down the days and counting the calories that enter my body. Thinking about what I need to take and even more so, how I'm going to lose weight before i get there.
There is always internal conflict inside my head at the moment of which is more important to me. Losing weight and liking my body, making myself happy. Or 'recovering' hating my body and gaining (or maintaining) weight, making others happy.
I know if I continue on this path of self destruction suddenly having to eat 3 meals a day without exercising willy-nilly might just push me over the edge. But at the same time gaining weight before the holiday of a life time might do that quicker. I preach recovery but don't want to recover.
It's now 24 days until I go and my mental health is quickly becoming less.. healthy. I want to pretend that I'm in control of this and that by the time I go away everything will be back to 'normal' but what if it isn't? What if I get to another goal weight and I'm still not thin enough?
I apologize that nothing I say makes sense anymore.
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