I hate thinking of titles.

I made a mistake in yesterdays post. I said something I didn't mean, well actually, I'm not entirely sure on whether I do or don't mean it. "I don't want to recover"

That is, for the most part, a lie. I do want to recover, I don't want these illnesses to define me anymore. I want to be able to eat nice food with good company and not care about the calories or who's watching. I want to eat when I'm hungry and stop when I'm full. I want to step on the scales and not care what the number says, actually, I don't want to find it necessary to step on the scales at all. I want to accept my body and be comfortable in my skin. I want to enjoy food, I want to think about something other than my next meal or my weight. I want my life back. I want to be recovered.

I can't do it alone though. I'm lucky because I have an amazing friend who supports me as much as she can and is literally always there when I need her and I'm lucky that the youth workers where I live have been fabulous. There's only so much they can do though and there's a lot they don't understand and there's only so many times you can cry for help before you become a burden.

I want to be recovered but the professionals don't want to help me. CAMHS were rubbish and basically gave up, the next referral to them was passed on to adult mental health. Their soultion was anti-depressants and other referrals, different doctors sames drugs same dose no success, an appointment with the door wide open for everyone to hear the ins and outs of my mental health. Referrals rejected because I'm too fat. A phone call to IAPT who said they couldn't help. The 'home treatment team' who didn't turn up to my appointment, cancelled others but were the ones to yell at me down the phone. The crisis team who were quite frankly appalling. More pending referrals... I don't want to recover because I don't want to carry on going through this long painful process of spilling my life story to every stranger I meet just to be let down again. I don't want to recover because I don't think anyone can help. I cant recover because I clearly don't deserve the help. This has been part of my life for too long that I can't imagine what life would be like without it, I can't remember what life was like before it. All I know is that if i'd of had the proper help to begin with maybe life would be different, maybe I'd believe there is life without this.

I can't completely blame the mental health services but I can blame them for making me give up with recovery all together.