Learn how to swim

Looking through old Camhs letters is both the funniest and the saddest thing I have done. I was first seen by Camhs in september 2010. I was 14. I don't remember the initial assessment, I remember not wanting to be there and being adamant that I wasn't going to let them in.
 On this date I weighed 49.7kilos and had been suffering with disordered eating for 2-3 years already. I showed no signs of an eating disorder and convinced them all I did not have one. I did however have low self-esteem and they knew I had been self-harming. I was offered another appointment.

 I remember this appointment well, I sat in the room with the woman and did not make eye contact. I looked down, I looked at the clock and for the most part I was silent. I was told "Even if you don't talk I still get paid for the hour." (Unhelpful. Everything inside me screamed she doesn't even care as long as she still gets the money, don't bother talking).

We saw a family therapist after this woman. I never called her by name, if I was talking about her to someone she was 'The fat greasy lesbian woman'. I hated her and her crowd of followers that hid behind the one-way mirror. If I wasn't going to talk to one person I certainly wasn't going to talk to her and the 2 others hiding behind the screen. I remember screaming and shouting and being flat out rude to this woman. I didn't want her to help me. I didn't need it.

I was passed onto the Doctor there. Put on anti-depressants, taken off them and discharged. My discharged letter mentioned her seeing some 'old scars'. Which made me chuckle because I was wearing my pink jumper, sleeves pulled down. I convinced them I was fine and didn't need their help. When I did talk to them, I lied.

Here I am now, 4 years on having spent almost a year trying to get help just to be told time and time again they can't help me or that I don't meet certain criteria. I've been referred from place to place and been rejected. My anti-depressants aren't being changed, stopped or upped despite them not working.

4 years ago I didn't want help, I was in a river and convinced I was a strong swimmer screaming at them that I didn't need them yet they jumped into the river and invaded my space. Now I'm in the river drowning, they are stood on the bank with life buoy in hand and instead of throwing it screaming 'learn how to swim'.

I wish I had accepted the help all those years ago. I wish I could swim.