Too fat

This week I received a letter from my Doctor. This Doctor told me my referral to the aspen center was rejected because I need to lose a significant amount of weight. This letter told me the aspen center suggested my help should continue to come from the psychiatrists that work for the adult mental health services. This letter then went on to tell me that I no longer ill be having appointments with the psychiatrists.

This letter made my heart sink and tears dribble down my face. I don't know what to do, where do I even go from here?

My life and thoughts are constantly consumed by the thought of what I have or what I'm going to consume. I don't eat food, I eat numbers. The 89kcal banana for breakfast was okay. The 98Kcal crumpet I had wasn't. I felt guilty for eating it, I still do now. I'm not skinny, no where near. But I'm sick. And shouldn't that be enough for me to get help. My weight fluctuates on a daily basis and if it goes above a certain number I have a complete meltdown.

It fluctuates to the point of my jeans being too big to suddenly being too small. Some days I don't eat. Some days I eat everything I can. Everyday is a battle one that I can not win on my own. One that I need help to win but nobody is on my team.

I'm not as skinny as I was a few years ago when they told me I'd end up in hospital or worse - dead. But mentally I am worse a lot worse, so why won't they help me when I need it most? Why should I have to make my physical health as damaged as my mental health?

I'm so upset and confused and I don't even know anymore.