People Intolorent

If you have ever had a conversation with me you have probably heard me say the words "I hate people" if you haven't heard me say it, you're probably one of those 'people'. Okay the hate part is probably a bit strong, but I do dislike the human race as a general rule.

The noises people make as they eat or drink or breathe make me want to sew their mouths shut, when people talk to me I find it hard not to make sarcastic or rude comments which cause way toooooo much offence even though I am really 'joking'. When people question what I am doing as if I am a five year old and not an adult (really i do not have to justify my every move) I have a sudden desire to throw something at them - a bowling ball would be good. (Thankfully I haven't actually thrown anything yet..)

People irritate me to say the least and if I reply to your messages, answer the phone to you or can hold down a 2 minute conversation with you, you should feel honored. People Are not my thing and at the moment avoiding them is what I do best, I switched to job which involved less people, I don't make the effort talk to any of my 'friends' and reading messages is a rare thing, let alone replying. I rarely answer the door and even saying 'hello' to people in person has become a struggle.

Truth is though, I don't hate people. I am fascinated by people. But I don't want them to need me, or like me or get too close. I don't need more than maybe the 5 people that I actually talk to on a regular basis. I think this is caused mainly by my depression and started when I was suicidal, pushing people away was the easiest thing to do, nobody would be sad if I killed myself if I had no friends.

I think I don't make the effort to make new 'friends' or have much of a social life because I am scared of getting hurt, again. This probably stems from the sexual assault and years of violence, nobody can hurt me if I never see or speak to anybody, right? And nobody could give me the old "I'll always be here for you" then get fed up with me causing me to have nobody to turn to in the times of need.

But actually, despite all this I long for human interaction. Because just like I couldn't live without food I am struggling to live without people I have stopped making the effort and it's having a negative impact on my mental health.

People are an important part of recovery and avoiding them isn't doing me any favors,