I leave for Africa in 36 days. 51,840 minutes. 3,110,400 seconds. 864 hours. In that time I will attend college 5 times, spend 20 days at work, go on one trip to Gardeners World Live and go for a jog maybe, twice?
I leave for Africa in 33 days. 47,520 minutes. 2,851,200 seconds. 792 hours. In that time I will spend maybe 14 days at work, attend maybe 5 appointments, go no where exciting and exercise maybe 33 times (If i feel like it)
While I sit here trawling the internet on various clothing websites trying to find clothes and swimming costumes to take with me my heart breaks. I click on the 'swimwear' section and stare at the teeny-tiny models with incy-wincy waists. "Why don't I look like that?" Perhaps I'll sleep instead of go into any pools at buffelspoort... Bikinis that show off my flabby stomach and swimming costumes that still don't hide the layers of blubber that covers my body just aren't for me.
While I sit here having already looked at a million different clothing websites I don't even bother to click on swimwear because nowhere sells a 28 back bikini (Apart from like bravissimo, hooray for bravissimo). However, I still question why I do not look like the models - oh yes, because I am human. I now own a bikini that will show off my flabby stomach (That will hopefully be toned by the time it comes to wearing it). I shouldn't feel like I have to hide my body, if anybody is judging me for what I look like then they have too much time on their hands.
But I still need clothes that I'm not going to boil in while in the African sun.. Skirts, shorts, dresses... I find several that I like, being modeled on match-stick legs with a gap the size of a car separating their thighs. "They're nice, but only if my legs looked like that" I stare at my thighs in the reflection of the mirror. It's normal for thighs to touch but when it's my body it's repulsive. My thighs are wide and keep getting wider. Perhaps I'll wear pajamas the whole time.
I still need clothes that I am not going to boil in while in the really beautiful African sun... There are several items that I like being modeled on match-stick legs with a thigh gap the size of a car. My legs will never looks like that and guess what, I do not give a shit. I spend 99% of my time hiding my entire body from the world under six million layers, I don't need to do that in South Africa to. My thighs touching isn't the end of the world.
It's hard to look forward to things when you don't like how you look. Don't get me wrong, I am super-duper excited to go to Africa I've never been this excited for anything, ever. But the insecurities and anxieties are already beginning to bubble inside of me. Whatifnobodylikesme, theyareallgoingtolaughatmebecauseimfat, howamigoingtogetawaywithnoteating, imgoingtobetheugliestpersonthere,iamfatfatfatfatfatfatfat, illnevergetskinnyin36days...
It's still hard to look forward to things because I don't like how I look. But I am still super-duper excited (Kind of) to go back to South Africa and I've bee this excited once before and even though the insecurities and anxieties are bubbling away inside of me I will not let them win.
I know that people like me. Nobody laughed at me before and if they laugh at me now then the problem is with them not me. I don't need to get away with not eating, i need to eat healthily. I am fat but i'm working on it. I don't need to get skinny I need to tone up.
What's more important to me recovery or a 'bikini body'?
The answer to that one is simple, recovery. A 'bikini body' isn't a necessity just an added bonus.
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