trigger warning

Everywhere I look (okay, only twitter, facebook and tumblr) there's this daft saying floating about.
"Suicidal people are just angels that want to go home"

And I think if i see this somewhere one more time I am going to scream. STOP ROMANTICIZING AND GLAMORIZING SUICIDE. Suicidal people are not angels, they are human beings, human beings with mental illnesses. They do not want to go 'home' they want the pain to stop.

They need love, support and real fucking help. They do not need people to try and turn suicide into some kind of cute shitty poetic bollocks.  It is a serious and already misunderstood problem that people need to stop sugar coating and  romanticizing.  So if you could all just stop for a second and offer real support instead of some bullshit quote that makes suicide seem like a perfectly normal and okay thing to do that would be much appreciated.


If you are suicidal and need support please ring one of these numbers. You can also google to see if your local mental health people have a crisis team that you can call.
Samaritans: 08457 909090
Child line: 0800 1111
NHS Direct:  0845 4647

Will you be my valentine?

I hate valentines day. (I'm sure i say this about every special day there is). Okay, maybe hate is not the right word. I just do not see the point in it. Everyone either feels sorry for themselves or shoves their love life in your face (well on their facebook).

So, to the people who moan about not having a valentine on valentines day here's a friendly reminder that some people don't have mothers on mothers day, or fathers on fathers day and they do not moan half as much as you. There's also the bonus of not having to waste your money on somebody. Who wants to receive flowers and chocolates anyway? Flowers die and chocolate lasts all of 2 seconds.

To the people who become husband/boyfriend or wife/girlfriend of the year on this special day, you're a moron. There are 364 other days in the year, if you want to be impressive love them for every single one of those day not just the 14th of feb. No one is fooled by you buying your partner a gift, telling them you love them or taking them out for a meal for one day of the year, do it often.

And for those feeling lonely, nobody loves you the rest of the year either today's no different. (That was a joke...). Just because you haven't received a card or been asked out does not mean you are not liked or not loved. Maybe someones just too afraid to admit they like you, your family and friends love you and more importantly God loves you.


"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Time to talk: Time to change.

"Thursday 6 February is the first ever Time to Talk Day: 24 hours in which to start conversations about mental health, raise awareness and share the message that mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of, neither is talking about it."

I am Lydia, I have mental illnesses. I'm not ashamed because there is much more to me than my illnesses. Yes, I have an eating disorder. Yes, I have depression and yes, I self harm but that does not define me. 

There is more to me than scars and anti-depressants. I am mentally ill, I am not my mental illness. 

I'm madly in love with my bed and the idea of being a princess. I'm training to be a nursery assistant. The thought of getting old scares me and the thought of dying doesn't. Praying is my answer to absolutely everything. I can ride a unicycle and I have the best mum in the world. I make mistakes and I make progress. I am a vegetarian that happens to hate vegetables and love the smell of chicken nuggets. I find people fascinating but I also find them incredibly annoying. I enjoy heart-to-hearts and random chats over cups of tea. Patterned tights make me happy and I can not live with out milkshakes. I'm always forgetting to think before I speak and my bluntness is forever getting me into trouble. I care too much and worry a lot. I think I'm hilarious and new pajamas are my favorite. My mental illnesses do not define me.

There is so much more to me than my illnesses and the same applies to everyone else who has a mental illness.  They are a million times more than their diagnosis, they are a human being who has lots more to them than an illness.

You don't need to be ashamed. 

I can't swim.

Its 12.05am, monday. I hate mondays, I'm not sure why, It's not like I've had to get out of bed on a monday since leaving school. That's besides the point though. Monday mean's its tuesday tomorrow, which means tomorrow is the first day of my new job.

You could say my life is going swimmingly. I have a job, I wasn't even looking for the job, I pretty much had it handed to me on a plate. I've got a 6 week holiday to South Africa booked and even more importantly I have discovered cadbury dairy milk with Oreo.  Thing's are going swimmingly, I feel like I'm drowning.

I am not used to thing's being so calm. I'm not used to things falling into place. Thing's are going swimmingly but I can't swim. With every good thing that happens I feel guilty, I don't deserve them. These wonderful things are supposed to make me happy but I don't deserve happiness either.

The better thing's seem to get the worse my depression gets. It doesn't make sense, I know. I feel so undeserving. I watch as people I love suffer because of how bad things are going for them, I don't get it, they deserve the good more than I do. So why are things going right for me and not them?

I'm not even sure what I'm trying to say or achieve by writing this. I'm not even going to finish this post.

Not a people person.

There's a song lyric to a song that I don't know the name of that says something like "People are just people they shouldn't make you nervous" and while a large part of me agrees with that statement the part of me that gets nervous by other people think's that statement is ridiculous.

I am terrified of people. I'm 17 years old and conversation scares me. People scare me. I have never made an important phone call, whether it be to arrange an appointment or to ask about a job. It scares me that I do not know the person on the end of the phone. I'm not much better in person either. Strangers make me nervous.

I have never gone to an appointment by myself, I get too scared to talk. I struggle to talk to people my own age. I struggle to talk to 90% of adults. The amount of times I didn't understand my work in school because I was simply too scared to ask a question that might be perceived as "Silly" and was terrified that if my classmates heard they might think I was stupid for not understanding. People my own age will always be the age group that bullied me, that's why they make me nervous.

Leave me on my own with a man over the age of 30 and there's a 10000% chance I will struggle to make conversation. If I don't get myself into a panic when I'm left alone with them it is quite frankly a miracle. Whether I know them quite well or whether they are a complete stranger it doesn't matter. Previous events involving old men are the reason the male species make me nervous.

I'm nervous when meeting females for the first time to, because I know how judgmental and bitchy we girls are. If they're older I'm even more nervous because chances are they're going to be patronizing or compare you to their own children and that just means even more being judged.  

This is probably going to be something that will always hold me back and I'm forever coming across as rude when I struggle to make conversation. Forever coming across as stupid when I get so nervous I can't bring myself to answer the simplest of questions. Childish when I refuse to go into a shop by myself unless they have a self scanner.

People are just people and they shouldn't make me nervous, but they do.

I love...

• Mum 
• Dad
• You
• God
• 'Baby animals man like puppies and rabbits omg awwwh'
• Chelsea boots
• Leather jackets
• Flowers
• Chicken Nuggets
• Shoes/Shoe shops/Looking at shoes
• You me at six
• Breath taking views
• Sunshine
• 'The Emoji that looks like a smiling poo'
• Drinking Vodka/Vodka Redbull
• Bracelets
• Sleep
• Spud the hamster
• Florida
• Pizza
• Family
• Friends
• Partying

I asked people to list some of the things that they love and the answers above are only a small amount of the answers I got. Some people love the same things (Their Mother and Vodka being common answers) but no two lists were the same.  What I noticed, though, is that even in the longest list I received nobody said they loved themselves. And I wonder how far down their lists they are or if they're even on their list at all.

I know it's some massive thing about if you admit you like yourself you're 'big headed' but that isn't the case. It is okay to love yourself, you know why? Because you are F*cking amazin, okay.

"Loving yourself…does not mean being self-absorbed or narcissistic, or disregarding others. Rather it means welcoming yourself as the most honored guest in your own heart, a guest worthy of respect, a lovable companion" .- Margo Anand

Dear person reading this,

Dear person reading this,

You made it through another year. You made it through the hard times and pain. You made it through all the times when you all you wanted to do was give up. You made it. You made it another year and I promise you can make it another year. I am SO proud of you.


(Saw this on my tumblr dashboard and it was too good not to steal. Anyone and everyone who wanted to give up this year but is still here, you should be proud of yourselves.)

Happy new year!

2013 is nearly over, hip hip hooray! Not that it really matters because even though people like to believe that a new year means suddenly everything will be better that just isn't the case. The fact it's a different number just means we'll all get confused when writing the date.

Anyway, lets all admit it, 2013 hasn't really been a brilliant year for the majority of people. (and contrary to what I just said i do hope 2014 is fabulous for you all) and it's really easy to focus on all the terrible things that happened through out the year. So i'm writing this purely to help me realize that 2013 wasn't all bad..

Things I'm proud of:

While I didn't pass any a-levels and managed to drop out of two college courses I did manage some equally as important things that even though they won't help me with my future I'm still quite proud...

I completed 290 levels on candy crush ( Sad, I know). I didn't kill myself or anyone else! I ate in front of people. I managed (for a short while) to put recovery first. I started going to church again. I made a half decent army-tank cake. I attempted to go back into education. This blog got over 2400 page views! I didn't catch herpes. I didn't get addicted to drugs. (The last two are just to make my list seem longer..)

Good things that happened:

I had the best birthday I've ever had (Thanks Jilly!). I got to lay in the dark with my friends and watch shooting stars! I got to watch the sunset from the top of warwick castle. God gave me the most wonderful friend I could I ask for. A lot of summer was spent intoxicated with my friends. I cant think of anymore but i'm sure their was more than that!

This year I'm going to do that thing where you write down every good thing that happens on a piece of paper, fold it up and put it in a jar and on NYE'14 you look at all the good things that happened, how cool is that?!

Well, I hope you all have a wonderful night if you're going to be welcoming the new year in and I hope each and every one of you has an absolutely brilliant year because you all deserve to! xxx

i hate christmas.

Its just gone midnight, so it is officially Christmas. If I was 8 years old I'd of been asleep long ago because everyone knows if you're awake Santa won't come. But because i'm no longer 8 years old midnight is just the perfect time to over think absolutely everything.

This year has been a funny year. I spent half of it putting recovery first, then the other half putting it on hold. Last Christmas I was so prepared for dinner. I didn't need to panic at stupid o'clock. Quorn cottage pie (213 Kcals). This year I'm not sure if I'm with my family for Christmas, or with someone else's because I am so indecisive. So not only do I have the battle of doireallywanttospendchristmaswithmysistersboyfriend?
I also have all this circling my somewhat jumbled brain.

Can't I just hibernate for the day? orwillthatspoilthings?
If I stay at home what will I eat? enoughtosatistfyothers? anamountthatwontmakemehatemyself?
But then I might binge at home? toomuchchocolateequalsemotionallydia.
What would I eat at someone else's house? canigetawaywithnoteating? oristhatrude?
idontknowwhattodoandimsoanxiousthatimcrying. 
whydoholidaysrevolvearoundfood?
im99.99%surethatwhateverdecisionimakeimgoingtospoilsomeoneschristmas.
Ihaventevenconsideredbreakfastorsupperyet.
andwhataboutboxingday?!

It's fair to say I have gotten myself into a right tizz and I'm not entirely sure what I am going to do about it. I am convinced i'm going to ruin Christmas. Im going to stop myself from continuing my rambling now.

On a less selfish note, I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas. (Please remember it's all about Jesus and not all about what presents you get!)

Christmas with an eating disorder.

Christmas is supposed to be a time filled with family, food and celebrations. Chocolates and sweets are constantly available, advent calenders, tins, selection boxes. Lets not forget all the food at the parties... the calories in alcohol or the millions of mince pies consumed. Brilliant!

Now think about what christmas day is like in your house, For our family its bacon and toast for breakfast, the mid morning raid of the tin of chocolate, then christmas dinner  Turkey, roast potatoes, pigs in blankets, yorkshire puddings, carrots, peas and gravy. Now lets not forget about pudding, depending on what we fancy, Ice cream? Cake? Both?! Maybe even with second helpings! And the glasses of wine... Then the "I'm full but i'm going to eat some more chocolate, chocolate." Then the late at night supper which is probably turkey sandwiches, followed by even more chocolate, simply because it's there.

The family is over and everyone's enjoying there meals and moaning that they've eaten too much but not being too phased because after all, it's christmas!  The average person has consumed 6,000 calories, 3 times the recommended daily amount, but still, it's christmas, who cares?!

But what about when you have an eating disorder. When sitting at that table with a plate piled with food is the last thing you want, when you try to eat it so you don't ruin everyone else's christmas but suddenly the guilt of eating is killing you. What about when family members point out that you haven't eaten a lot. Or when you're told "Treat yourself, it's christmas" as if the eating disorder takes a day off for the holidays.

Christmas is supposed to be filled with joy and happiness, not guilt and self hatred. Christmas with an eating disorder is hard. Please just think before you say anything to a loved one who you know or suspect might be suffering. Don't make a big deal about how much or how little they've eaten. Don't try to guilt trip them into eating. Don't constantly ask questions or constantly offer food when they've already rejected the 300 other times you'd asked. Christmas is hard without family making it harder.