12 things they don't tell you about depression

1) There is no magic pill to make it better. 

Back when I was fourteen I was prescribed anti-depressants for the first time. Now at the age of twenty I've tried multiple different tablets, different doses, taking them at different times of day and I'm currently on the highest dose of my current mediation and guess what? I still have depression. Anti-depressants are not a cure but they can help.

2) There are various levels of functioning.
Until recently I'd always been considered high functioning - able to go to work or college, maintained personal hygiene routines and stuck to various commitments. For others work is no longer an option and washing hair is almost as difficult as lion taming. How well someone is functioning doesn't necessarily indicate how depressed a person is.

3) Someday's you don't feel a thing.

It's usually assumed a person with depression feels sad. However there will be days when you feel n.o.t.h.i.n.g and somehow that's worse.

4) It is painful.

It's not uncommon for those with depression to have joint pain or aching muscles, who'd have guessed that mental illness could physically hurt?

5) Suicidal doesn't always look like suicide attempts.

It can be not putting on your seat belt or not looking before crossing the road. Sometimes it's taking up smoking, putting yourself in dangerous situations, pushing people away, leaving your job or having sex with strangers. Because the consequences could be harmful, because pushing people away and not having a job makes you feel like you have less of a reason to stay. Suicidal doesn't always mean trying to die but not caring if you do.

6) Not everyone gets it and people leave.

It's okay that people don't understand, why would they if they've never been through it? and you know what else? it's okay that people leave too. The people who stay, the ones who try to understand, the ones who sit in A&E with you or hold you while you're sobbing, the one's who ask if you're okay and don't get offended when you shut them out for a while - those are the people you need. The one's who leave aren't the ones you need around you in this difficult time.

7) Sleep isn't just sleep.

People often question how I manage to seemingly spend so much time asleep. Sleep is an escape, you can't feel the aches and pains, your brain isn't screaming at you, you can't self destruct. But while sleep is beautiful, your sleep pattern is fluffed so actually feeling refreshed after sleeping doesn't happen all that often. Please understand im not trying to be lazy.

8) The little moments matter.

Sometimes it feels as though you have been so sad for so long that you can't even remember what happy is. Now and then though there are moments of genuine laughter that for a few moments make you forget about the darkness. Write them down, who were you with, what were you doing, remind yourself that you can still be happy.

9) It is addictive.

In the words of Gotye "you can be addicted to a certain kind of sadness". You don't want to be depressed and you don't want to live the rest of your life like this, but it's comfortable. You start to feel guilty for being happy, like you don't deserve it. While the idea of a life without mental illness is a great one it's also bloody terrifying. You'll ruin chances and push people away because you feel likes its what you deserve.

10) You notice things others don't.

The faint scars on peoples arms, when people dodge the 'how are you?'s, the sad eyes despite the smiling mouth, the change in someones personality, the small comments that raise alarm bells when others hear a joke. It breaks your heart to think that someone else could be struggling too.

11)There is no dress code

If I had a quid for every time someone told me I don't look depressed i'd have at least enough to pay for next months happy pills. Depression is a MENTAL illness while it has physical symptoms it doesn't come complete with its own uniform and accessories. There is no rain cloud that follows me round. I might smile and wear colorful clothes but please don't mistake that for being mentally healthy.

12) You are strong.

You have survived every single day up until now, whether that means you're living even though you want to die, whether you need anti-depressants to function or whether you haven't left your house in 3 weeks. You are still here despite it all, you are strong. You are worthy. You are loved. You deserve to take up space on this earth. Depression is a liar please try to ignore the negative things it tells you about you.

Secret supplies of toilet roll.

Recently I heard these words come out of somebody's mouth:"I wish I was anorexic, I might be skinny then". Now, I really hope this person was joking, or at the every least doesn't really understand that an eating disorder is a life-threatening mental illness. However I have come into contact with people who have spent large amounts of times looking up "tips and tricks" on how to engage in disordered behavior. The internet really is a scary place. Girls and boys encouraging each other to starve themselves, giving hints on how to skip meals, which laxatives to take, how much exercise you need to do to burn off a piece of bread etc etc.

So to the beautiful young girl who was wishing an eating disorder upon themselves, I'm going to give you some tips and tricks of my very own.


       First off all I'm going to give you a shopping list:

Bandages - you'll need them. With 25% of those eating disorder sufferers also engaging in self harm there's a one in four chance you will to. While hoarding first aid supplies don't forget to invest in long sleeve tops before everywhere stops selling them in the summer!

Loo roll. You probably think i'm joking but if you're going to abuse laxatives and don't want your family to be suspicious when a whole loo role is used up in a day then you'll need to have your own secret supply.

Sleeping tablets - say goodbye to a good nights sleep they won't exist anymore.

Concealer. The lovely dark bags under your eyes definitely aren't designer.

Bubble wrap. Do yourself a favour and wrap your body in layers of the stuff. Otherwise bruising will be caused from activities such as lying on your newly prominent hipbones and sitting on a no longer suitably padded back side.

        Okay, now that you have everything you need there's a few more steps to take too 
         prepare yourself.

Cancel all your weekend plans for the foreseeable future.Saturdays aren't for being social they're for sitting on the toilet after taking too many laxatives the night before. - On second thoughts cancel all your plans.you won't feel like seeing anybody anyway, and besides, even if you wanted to they might make you eat or ask questions when you don't.

Actually, your best option is to stop seeing your friends and family now. That way they won't see you shrink, can't question your behaviors, can't insist you get help and they only want you to get fat anyway. (By fat I mean healthy, but you won't know that at the time).

Only apply foundation in a downwards motion. Your pretty face will be covered in 'down hair' (fuzz that grows to keep you warm). Applying makeup in any other direction will cause the hair to stand out more.

While i'm on the subject of hair, your beautiful long locks will begin to fall out so I recommend you stop brushing it. Lose head hair but gain facial fuzz - sexy.

Don't bother brushing your teeth anymore. Grim, I know. Stomach acid from vomiting is only going to rot them and brushing them speeds up the process. Decaying teeth isn't a great look so you may as well slow down the process.

Start saving. You'll want to die but won't want your family to have to foot the massive cost of a funeral. A few grand will do.

Go and ask your doctor for anti depressants ASAP. If you're not depressed now you will be soon, best be prepared.

         And I can not stress the importance of this enough...

You do not want an eating disorder. You are beautiful the way you are. Do not play roulette with your body it's the only one you've got. If you really want to lose weight eat healthily and exercise. Life without chocolate isn't worth living. You lose more than weight; friends, aspirations, jobs, sanity and happiness will be lost along the way. They say that nothing tastes as good as skinny feels - skinny doesn't feel good, it feels like death warmed up. There is nothing wrong with your appearance, there is lots wrong with society. If you feel like you could have an eating disorder there are people and places you can turn to for help. Numbers on a scale do not define your worth. You are so loved (God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us - Romans 5:8).

Two thousand and sixteen

Those of you who have been reading my blog over the past few years will probably vaguely remember a couple of posts about what I've learnt in previous years. What I learnt in 2014 and Things 2015 taught me, so seeing as I've hardly posted this year I thought I would make it a hat-trick and bore you all with some of the things I have learnt in 2016. So here it goes...

God has a plan. While I have always known this to some degree this year has been the year I've trusted it. I don't mean a plan for 20 years time either, I mean right now. Some of the little things that have happened this year, which could have only been Gods doing, just highlighted that he's got things under control.

My appearance isn't anyone else's problem. I have spent far too many years of my life trying to conform to societies warped idea of what beauty is. People are forever commenting their opinion on what they think I should look like. Youlooknicerwithlongerhair, ipreferyourhairblondewhydidyoudyeit, youlooknicerwithmakeupon, youlookedbetterbeforeyoulostweight, dontgainanymoreyoulllookfat. I've gained weight, lost weight, grown, cut, dyed my hair and someone always has something to say. If my appearance bothers you that much you are not the kind of person I need in my life.

I am my own worst enemy. I told myself I would fail my college course and told myself I would't pass my driving test. I'm now reapplying for Uni having got the grades I need and the proud owner of a pink license and Norris (my car). So eff you negative Lydia!

People leave. Let them - if somebody wants to be in your life they'll make an effort.

People stay. There has been a small handful of people who have been brilliant this year. People who have been with me during good times and not ran away when things have been bad but instead held open their arms and tried to support me in anyway possible. I am so grateful for these people for showing me such love even though I really don't deserve it. (Shout out to the Archers, Hunters and Hd's)

Chicken Nuggets are rank. The people who obsess over McD's chicken nuggets are in need of serious medical help. They are vile.

Prosecco. I feel like this one speaks for itself.

Life goes on. So many times this year I've claimed "I'm so done" and meant it. So many things have happened that have made me want to give up, yet the following morning I'm ready to try again.

Accept an apology you didn't receive. It changes everything. Someone's upset you? Pretend they apologized. It prevents grudges and ill feelings that they might not have realized they've caused. You can forgive someone and not want anything to do with them. But if you don't forgive you're the one holding onto the hurt and anger and I guarantee it's bothering you a hell of a lot more than them!

Iceland's mince pies are the best. Sorry M&S, Asda, Tesco, Sainsburys, Spar, Co-op, home bakers and what ever other ones I tried but you just can not beat a Mince pie from Iceland!

I am loved, so unworthy, but loved none the less.
While 2016 hasn't been a fantastic year i'd rather not dwell on the lows. It's also had some wonderful moments and been filled with positives too (like a holiday to ZA!). So now it's time to sit by myself and drink prosecco to welcome in the new year. May 2017 be filled with new adventures, new lessons and be a happy healthy one for you all xxxxxx

This is a big deal.

Happy world mental health day to my fellow nutters!

Joking aside, today is actually a more important day to me than my birthday. Today is the day where sufferers all around the globe are pretty much given permission to actually talk about their mental health rather than hide it. Now, seeing as mental illness is a 365 days a year issue and it only gets given one day I better cram as much into this post as possible because, God forbid, I talk about it tomorrow. Nope, wouldn't risk it, I might get hit by lightening, people might think I'm hiding an axe in my pocket, today if i talk about mental health i'm brave - tomorrow I'm an attention seeking crazy woman and the earth might just stop spinning and I, for one, am not willing to take that risk.

Now, mental health, believe it or not is a pretty big deal. 1 in 4 people will suffer with a mental illness. More people will die from an eating disorder than some forms of cancer. 1 in 10 people will suffer with anxiety/depression at any one time - that is 10% of the population -  712 MILLION 500 THOUSAND  people have depression/anxiety. If that is not a big deal I have no idea what is.

Now, I have wrote post after post about living with mental illness, living with someone else who has a mental illness, spoke about how hard recovery is, spoke about how amazing recovery is, spoke about a life where chains are broken and mental illness is no more, spoke about what not to say to a person in recovery, promoted recovery, promoted mental wellness, spent so much time talking to people and encouraging them in their recovery journey, Recovery and initial suffering i have spoken about. Now I am going to do something I have never done before and if I do that after today I might turn into pumpkin. I am going to talk about relapse. Yes my friend, RELAPSE. (I hope nobody has fainted, died or melted at the word).

It's a horrible thing to talk about, if someone is recovering you do not want to believe or admit that relapse is FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIFE going to be a possibility. Sorry to break it to you. BUT that does not mean a person is back at square one, this does not mean that is where they will stay. So here as some of my thoughts surrounding relapse and how those around an individual can help by doing/not doing.

A person does not need to have one specific reason for relapse. No, being dumped is not the reason I'm struggling to eat. Yes, I am sure. Does it have a part to play? I don't think so but that's what everyone else seems to blame it on. However, I have started a new job, had to deal with difficult people, my clothes weren't fitting, there's been lots of changes. Maybe that's the issue, maybe i'm reverting to back to what I am comfortable with. Please do not try to pinpoint what triggered old habits, chances are the person themselves doesn't know the exact cause.
Please do let a person know that you're there for them. However, please pretty please only say this if you really mean it. Be there for them in whatever you can/feel willing to. Try not to get annoyed, try not to take things personally, try not to push too hard. If you're a prayer pray with them, if you're a listener listen, if you have time to spare offer to visit the doctor with them. Avoid trying to do/be to much, you'll burn out, they'll feel guilty.

Relapse does not have to be into the same addiction. Borris used to cut himself, he stopped 3 years ago but now he drinks until he passes out. That is relapse. The addiction is still there the self destruction is still there. Do not think that because Borris is not cutting himself he has not relapsed.

Please do not say phrases like "it's a shame, you were doing so well" say something that hurts a bit less than a stab wound. Like "You've recovered before, you can do it again" or "You're strong, you can beat this" or "I'm praying for you"

Remember that a lapse or relapse is not the end of their story. Remember that God has still got them and remind them of that. Remember that lapses are normal, remember that recovery is still possibly. Remember that talking about mental health doesn't just have to happen once a year.

"When 'I' is replaced by 'we' mental illness becomes mental wellness"

I would also just like to say a massive thanks to the people who have supported me both in my recovery and stuck with me in my lapse. I can not begin to express how much you guys mean to me and how grateful I am. 

Dear me,

An open letter to my younger self.

Dearest younger Lydia I am incredibly sorry to tell you this but you did not become a butterfly when you grew up, I really am sorry. Turns out when people ask you what you want to be you can't actually become another species and you actually have to work hard. However let me tell you a secret, you found a King (his name is God) which makes you a princess and that's a gazillions times better than being a butterfly anyway. 

Firstly, Im sorry Lydia that when ridiculous men touched you in inappropriate ways or groomed you that it took you so long to speak up. But Lydia I want you to know that all the hurt, confusion and shame, it goes. I promise you there is a life beyond scrubbing yourself in the shower and being scared every time you get a text message. There is a time when the nightmares stop and you realise that not every person who owns a penis is going to treat you like an object or try to win you like some sort of trophy. I know that fearing earthly men ruined so much for you but you've met someone who will never hurt you who has cleansed you and washed away the dirtiness you once felt - His name is Jesus and He really isn't like other men, He loves you more than you can imagine.

Lydia I also want to tell you that there is life beyond the eating disorder. I'm not sure what possessed you to throw away your lunch as an eight year old, I'm not sure how at the age of twelve you knew it was possible to make yourself throw up and I think you're an idiot for thinking that's a great idea. Wanting to be invisible so you couldn't receive unwanted male attention was one thing but then listening to the people who called you names was another. I wish you knew that those names didn't have to hurt. It's okay though, I know now that your identity isn't determined by the names people called you and continue to call you. Your identity is in Christ and he is looking at your heart and not at your waistline. 

I also want you to know that the names you called yourself for so long were lies. You were not and are not worthless or ugly or a mistake. Oh Lydia if only you knew that He would have died for your sin even if you were the only other person to have walked the earth, that is how much you are valued. If only you knew that you are not a mistake, not created in some sort of freak IVF accident like you once believed but you were created by God and he has had a plan for your life since before the world began. Isn't that great Lydia? God does not make mistakes you are not a mistake if only you knew this then!

Lydia I wish I could go back in time to the innocent ten year old who decided cutting themselves was a good idea, I know you were unaware that it becomes an addiction if only you knew that you were ruining your body. I can't blame just you ten year old Lydia, even into adulthood you cut yourself leaving a large amount of your body covered in ugly scars that people gawk at. But Lydia let me tell you something amazing, you stop turning to sharp objects and start turning towards God in times of struggle. Oh Lydia if only we knew then what we know now, God has healed you!   He has set you free. 

Dear Lydia who hoped and prayed that her life would end and tried too many times to attempt to end it yourself. I know how much you cried when attempts didn't work or when you got too scared or when you woke up after hours of praying you wouldn't, I know how disappointed you were in yourself and in God. But Lydia, Lydia, you won't believe it when I tell you that now you're so grateful that your life didn't end, you're excited to be living. Remember that plan I mentioned earlier? It will be revealed one day and I'm glad we managed to stick around to see that life isn't all doom and gloom, not now that you have found the Light!.

Little Lydia, I wish you knew it was perfectly okay not to be okay, I wish you didn't hide. Larger Lydia I wish you knew sooner that blades, alcohol and handfuls of pills wasn't the best things to turn to, if only you knew that God loved (and still loves) you and that He alone was all you need to fill the void. If only you knew that life was worth living you might if lived it to the full. 

Younger Lydia, the years of wasting away are not wasted though. God is going to use them for His glory oh Lydia, who would have guessed that all it took to break the chains that held you for so long was to discover who Jesus is! No perfect pill, no life changing doctor, nothing in your power Lyd just an awesome God.

Romans 8:18  “I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.”

TRIGGER WARNING.

4 hours of broken sleep and the 8 am alarm for school refuses to be silenced - there is no snooze button on parents. Drag your tired body out of bed and walk down two flights of stairs to the bathroom with the scale in it. Exhausted. Take off anything that could weigh anything, pajamas, hair bobbles.. yes take off the hair bobble because it might make you weigh more. Stand shivering until the scale is ready. Look what Stones and Lbs are displayed and quickly flick through the settings to Lbs and Oz and Kgs. Needing to know 3 different ways of saying what you weigh is important. Move the scale to a different floor tile and repeat the process no less than six times work out the average.

The number on the scale has gone down? Great! Don't eat and it will drop further down!
The number on the scale has gone up? You fat whore. Don't eat to make up for it!
The number on the scale has maintained? You are a disappointment. Don't eat.
You're 6 stone yet all you can see is a body covered in fat.

Return the scale to tile number one, throw on the school clothes that used to fit but now hang off your body. Mum wants you to eat breakfast? Okay... 68 calorie cereal bar, can you get away with eating half? or quarter? is anyone watching? Take it out the wrapper put it in your bag and put the wrapper in the bin. Put lunch in bag. Brush teeth, don't brush hair it's falling out. Wash face, go to school. Use a stupid app to tell you how many calories the walk to school is burning, throw sandwiches and the remaining cereal bar in the bin. Feel guilty for doing so but at the same time feel proud for being a sly little bitch who will get away with not eating for another day! Get to school and the day is a blur. If you don't hang around with people nobody can question if or why you haven't eaten lunch. You don't need friends at this stage in the game, you have not got this skinny to listen to people tell you you need to eat. It was hurting everyone, them watching you shrink killed them inside, so pushing them away works out best for you all. They don't need to be concerned, you don't need to listen to the 'what have you eaten today?'

Convince yourself that even the smell of somebody elses food can make you gain weight. There is definitely calories floating in the smell and now they're going up your nose. Feel guilty, go to the toilets, cut - because it is important that you carry a weapon with you at all time to fight this war against yourself. Back to lessons, count down the hours or minutes until the end of the day. Walk home the long way so nobody see's you spark up a fag. You were always against smoking but you read on a website filled with tips that smoking can curb your appetite and at this point you are starving. No surprise, you haven't had a proper meal in weeks. Spray entire body with 'Charlie red' go home, fall asleep on the sofa.

You either manage to stay asleep for hours and then drag yourself up to bed where you remain until tomorrow mornings alarm bellows your name.
Or you get up, walk to a friends house, tell them you ate at home, go home, tell them you ate at the friends house. Shower, cry, back to bed.
Or you cook some egg whites, 2 of them. 30 calories and suddenly want to die.
Sometimes you binge and rush to the bathroom to throw up, glamorous. Shower, cut, cry, pray to a God you're not sure you even believe in to make it all stop 'Please, God, if you are there please just let me die in my sleep'.

The fog horn wakes you up and you're almost angry at the God you're not convinced is real for letting you live another day to repeat the bullsh*t that you call life. Watch the desperation on your families face because they just do not know what to do. Listen to the doctor tell you if you carry on you'll be dead and not batting an eyelid because that is what you want. Have therapy and be passed around from one person to the next over and over again because everyone is watching you drown and you're refusing to climb into the lifeboat they're offering.

That was my life. That is the life of so many. Eating disorders will not make you some sort of popular Victoria secret model look a like. They will, however, ruin your life and your families in the process. While every day recovering is a struggle even the worst days are better than a single day of letting the disordered thoughts win.

I am the heaviest I have ever been, the happiest I have ever been the healthiest I have ever been.

And if you are struggling, I urge to get help, scream and cry for it if you must but please do not let an eating disorder control your life anymore.
                                                       http://www.b-eat.co.uk/

BAE

It's the time of year again where all you love birds out their plaster yours and 'baes' relationship all over facebook - vom. Bae has bought you flowers or an x-box game and you've gone for a meal somewhere classier than mcdonalds and suddenly you feel like a prince/princess.

If you are one of those couples here is a quick reminder that there are 365 other days this year to make your partner feel loved or buy them chocolate and if it is such a rare occurrence that you feel the need to big it up on facebook you need to question how much of a prince/princess you really are to bae.

Maybe I'm saying this 'cause i'm a moody singleton who is secretly jealous of those receiving big bunches of flowers (Cause what girl does not like flowers.. even if they do die) but maybe I am saying this 'cause to my Bae I am a princess 24/7 and always have been and always will be...

So for those who do not know what BAE stands for: Before Anyone Else. and for me Bae is *drumroll*... Jesus.

So my Father (the heavenly one that is) is a King and that makes me a princess - Whoop whoop!

Not only that but, no matter what stupid mistakes I make or how moody I get, Bae loves me unconditionally, never any less than He does now and He couldn't possibly love me anymore than he does now - cool right?

And okay while Jesus is not going to turn up my door with a red rose he has given me so many other gifts - and they certainly last longer than flowers do! Hope, acceptance, forgiveness, joy and protection, and while you may argue that your boyf/girlf can give you all that can they give you.. Eternal life? Nope. Didn't think so! God is never going to leave me, stop loving me or let me down and that is absolutely wonderful.

Jesus is my Bae xoxox

(Oh and let me not forget.. He loves YOU unconditional too.)

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 

What 2015 has taught me

Seeing as last year I wrote down a few things that I had learned over the 365 days that made up 2014 I have decided it would only be fitting to do the same for 2015

• God is AMAZING. Last year I spoke about how good God is, but 'good' just doesn't do it justice this year, he is more than good. I have watched lives change, people become new and even had my life changed all thanks to the big Man. I can only hope that in 2016 I can witness more wonderful things and see lives be transformed and i can not wait to find out what He has in store for me.
• The male species are strange. Having previously paid more attention to anorexia than males this had never been an issue but this year its become clear to me that those of you with a penis are so confusing or so disgusting. Seriously if groping me in a night club, wolf whistling or asking me to be your 'fuck buddy' is your way of trying to 'pull' it isn't going to work. 
• Over thinking ruins things. Finally I realised I am not the only person who feels like a victim trapped in their own mind. STOP CREATING SCENARIOS IN YOUR HEAD THAT HAVE NOT AND WILL NOT HAPPEN(ED). You are just going to bugger things up, miss chances, ruin relationships and that ain't no fun.
• Education is quite important. Having spent my school years not attending, not trying and not caring I am regretting this now that I finally know where I want to go in life. Seriously, if you are still in school and you are reading this try your hardest because when it comes to being 20 and having to work twice as hard as the 16/17/18 year olds to get the same level qualifications is not fun. 
• There are nice people who work in mental health. HALLELUJAH - you just have to be patient until you find one (Only took me 6 years).
• Gaining weight is easy peasy. Losing it without resorting to old habits, is not.
• I make the worlds best cookies. I have the ability to eat 30 in one day, beat that.
• Prayer is powerful. You could argue that this is same as God is amazing.. but without prayer I wouldn't be able to function, cope or eat without feeling guilty.It's amazing how just offering to pray for someone can have such a massive impact on them.
• Sticks and stones may break my bones but words are even worse. Words have a bigger impact than what I originally thought they would, be careful with what comes out your mouth... 
• Be careful what you think. If you think about nothing but the bad, you'll see nothing but the bad. If you tell yourself it's going to be a bad day, it will be. 
• People will walk out of your life when you need them most. It hurts, but let go. If someone does not want to be in your life you can not make them stay there. 
• South Africa is home. Going back this year and spending time with inspiring, lovely, supportive people means i've already booked 2016's flights. If home is where the heart is then South Africa is home.
• Mental health is more important than money. Leaving a 8-6, 5 day a week job for a 3 day a week job where I am not surrounded by other females, gossip and toxic people has done wonders for mental health I might be poor but waking up for work is not always a chore anymore... even if I am dirt poor.
• Crying does not make you weak. If you need to cry, do it, let it all out. You will feel better for it, never mind ruining your mascara, just let that run down your face. The amount of people who have seen me cry this year is shocking but hey i'm only human.
• If it is not okay it is not the end.
  
  
  Considering I once told people I had no intention of living past the age of 16 (in 2011), I am excited to see what 2016 will bring, possibly university, certainly a holiday to sunny SA and who knows maybe I'll find a rich man to marry me - doubt it though.
  
  Here is to a happy and healthy 2016 for you all xxxxxx

CAMHS

I saw this picture on Facebook yesterday. I was initially like 'HOORAY I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE WITH THIS OPINION' and found it funny... then I realised that nearly 8000 people had 'liked' the original photo. 1300 people had shared it. Hundreds of people had commented, tagging their friends.

Then suddenly it was not funny anymore. My heart broke. I've always been fairly open about how shocking my experience with finding help for my mental illnesses has been and I have made it no secret how appalling my CAMHS experience was. Turns out, all these people feel the same way.

1 in 10 children and young people will have a diagnosable mental health condition. 850,000 children and young people between the ages of 5-16 have a mental disorder. More than half of adults with mental health problems had been diagnosed during their childhood. Shockingly, less than half of these people were treated appropriately in their childhood.

Now, lets assume that some of these adults had been seen by the so called professionals.. CAMHS earlier on in life. Less than half of them received appropriate treatment. Does that not mean less than half of people who unfortunately end up in the system are not receiving the treatment they need. Assuming those 850,000 young people with a mental disorder have been or are being seen by the variety of doctors, therapists and psychs at CAMHS. More than 425,000 of them will still be suffering in their adulthood. More than 212,500 of those will not have had the right treatment during childhood.

Imagine that those 212,500 people had received appropriate treatment. Would they still be suffering now? Some of them, maybe. Others, probably not. If more funding was put into CAMHS so they could actually help, instead of do well, nothing. Would not the demand on the adult mental health services be less?

I have been waiting 7 months for Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. The only 'help' I am receiving is an appointment every 6 weeks just to check i'm not about to top myself. I am one of those hundreds of thousands of people who did not receive appropriate treatment. Had I of got the right help, would I still be worming my way through waiting lists today?

It is scary how many people are being failed by the system.

Faith isn't in a blade.

It has been such a long time since I have posted that I think I may have forgotten how to write a post.
However, I will do my best to write in English and not to bore everybody too much. To be honest I think I have only decided to write this now because i'm procrastinating (I hate homework).

Since my last post in June (Seriously... 5 months Lydia? Get your act together) a lot has happened. Most of you will know that I jetted off to South Africa for 7 weeks, there were days where I wanted nothing but to come home and days where the thought of going home made me cry. The good definitely outweighed the bad though.

I was not eating much and when possible I would skip meals or eat a portion of food equivalent to that of a weaning baby. I would purposely not take my medication so large meals would quickly find their way into the toilet because my re-flux was not being controlled.  I was hoarding razor blades because when my mind was a mess it was easier to put my faith in a blade than in God.

 I received prayer, lots of it, and things began to change.

My minute portion of food changed into eating a large portion (in public!) without every mouthful feeling like a failure and for once I saw the food instead of just the calories. There was no desire to punish myself for something that most humans do without batting an eyelid. Food for the first time in my life wasn't a fear and eating was no longer a challenge. The scales no longer control my life because I am worth more than a number. I am a child of God, the apple of his eye and I wasn't designed to spend my life worshiping a cold piece of glass instead of my Father.

I stopped putting my faith in things that could tear apart my skin and started to put my faith in Him. The sharp bits of metal were no longer a safety blanket to run to when my mind was telling my to hurt myself, I deserve it. Instead I ran to God and let him take control. Now the only weapon I keep close to me is the sword of the spirit.

Life is worth living with Jesus in it. Don't get wrong not everything's perfect and some days I want to give up but instead of turning to food abuse and blades I turn to God as my refuge, my strength. Rock bottom is where I discovered that Jesus is my rock and the solid foundation in which he provides is the very same foundation where I have built my new life.

A life where self harm is no more a daily occurrence and eating finally is. A life with God in the driving seat instead of me pushing him into the back seat. A life that I am excited to be living.

                          (Thank you to those who prayed for/with me, you are fabulous)

Dear depression

Dear Depression,

I don't know why you decided to become apart of my life, you've been part of my for several years now and this has been a hard decision to make... But, I think it's time for us to part., it's not me, it's you.

For a long time the idea of losing you has actually been quite a scary one but only because I wasn't sure who I would be without you. I got so used to you hanging around that leading a normal life just seemed an impossibility. In fact you've been around longer than  near enough anything else in my life. You were loyal and stuck to me like glue. But it's time for me to break the bond between us.

It's a bit like when a person drinks too much of a certain alcohol and it makes them sick so they can't even bare the thought of it anymore. Or like that time I binged on bakewell Nakd bars and now even looking at them makes me feel slightly ill. You have so much of something that the thought of it is no longer  pleasant one.. You were never a pleasant thought, but it's kind of the same thing, I've had my fill of you and no longer can deal with your presence

You took over every aspect of my life, you made me push away my friends, hate myself, feel worthless and made me question whether my life was even worth living. You might of been loyal but you certainly haven't been a friends. I am bored of listening to your constant negativity, Telling me i'm not good enough or how everything is my fault, making me actually quite selfish (Someones in a grump? Must be because of me. People I don't even know are whispering? Must be bitching about me. Someone is crying? Must be something I have said or I have done) but not everything is about me, why would you even want me to think that?

You kept up at night with panic attacks and endless tears for reasons that seemed so small. Or like tonight for no reason at all, just a crippling wave of sadness that causes my tears to pour and my chest to hurt and hurting myself seem lie a completely logical thing to do (Thankfully, I manage to block out the hurting bit, you've scarred me enough).

I can't even pretend that I m grateful for having known you, you've been nothing but trouble. You've made me lonely, insecure and afraid. And while over the past few weeks you've been trying to tighten your grip, it really is time for you to let go.

I can not bare the thought of having to live the rest of my life with you in it, so please do me a favor. Fuck off Give me my life back. I'm done with just existing, it's time to live.

Sincerely
Lydia.

People Intolorent

If you have ever had a conversation with me you have probably heard me say the words "I hate people" if you haven't heard me say it, you're probably one of those 'people'. Okay the hate part is probably a bit strong, but I do dislike the human race as a general rule.

The noises people make as they eat or drink or breathe make me want to sew their mouths shut, when people talk to me I find it hard not to make sarcastic or rude comments which cause way toooooo much offence even though I am really 'joking'. When people question what I am doing as if I am a five year old and not an adult (really i do not have to justify my every move) I have a sudden desire to throw something at them - a bowling ball would be good. (Thankfully I haven't actually thrown anything yet..)

People irritate me to say the least and if I reply to your messages, answer the phone to you or can hold down a 2 minute conversation with you, you should feel honored. People Are not my thing and at the moment avoiding them is what I do best, I switched to job which involved less people, I don't make the effort talk to any of my 'friends' and reading messages is a rare thing, let alone replying. I rarely answer the door and even saying 'hello' to people in person has become a struggle.

Truth is though, I don't hate people. I am fascinated by people. But I don't want them to need me, or like me or get too close. I don't need more than maybe the 5 people that I actually talk to on a regular basis. I think this is caused mainly by my depression and started when I was suicidal, pushing people away was the easiest thing to do, nobody would be sad if I killed myself if I had no friends.

I think I don't make the effort to make new 'friends' or have much of a social life because I am scared of getting hurt, again. This probably stems from the sexual assault and years of violence, nobody can hurt me if I never see or speak to anybody, right? And nobody could give me the old "I'll always be here for you" then get fed up with me causing me to have nobody to turn to in the times of need.

But actually, despite all this I long for human interaction. Because just like I couldn't live without food I am struggling to live without people I have stopped making the effort and it's having a negative impact on my mental health.

People are an important part of recovery and avoiding them isn't doing me any favors,

Reevaluate

Around this time a year ago I wrote THIS post. And I am just going to edit it slightly. the 2014 post will be in GREEN and this years version will be in black. This time last year I was a stone lighter and lot more miserable.

I leave for Africa in 36 days. 51,840 minutes. 3,110,400 seconds. 864 hours. In that time I will attend college 5 times, spend 20 days at work, go on one trip to Gardeners World Live and go for a jog maybe, twice?

I leave for Africa in 33 days. 47,520 minutes. 2,851,200 seconds. 792 hours. In that time I will spend maybe 14 days at work, attend maybe 5 appointments, go no where exciting and exercise maybe 33 times (If i feel like it)

While I sit here trawling the internet on various clothing websites trying to find clothes and swimming costumes to take with me my heart breaks. I click on the 'swimwear' section and stare at the teeny-tiny models with incy-wincy waists. "Why don't I look like that?"  Perhaps I'll sleep instead of go into any pools at buffelspoort... Bikinis that show off my flabby stomach and swimming costumes that still don't hide the layers of blubber that covers my body just aren't for me.

While I sit here having already looked at a million different clothing websites I don't even bother to click on swimwear because nowhere sells a 28 back bikini (Apart from like bravissimo, hooray for bravissimo). However, I still question why I do not look like the models - oh yes, because I am human. I now own a bikini that will show off my flabby stomach (That will hopefully be toned by the time it comes to wearing it). I shouldn't feel like I have to hide my body, if anybody is judging me for what I look like then they have too much time on their hands.

But I still need clothes that I'm not going to boil in while in the African sun.. Skirts, shorts, dresses... I find several that I like, being modeled on match-stick legs with a gap the size of a car separating their thighs. "They're nice, but only if my legs looked like that" I stare at my thighs in the reflection of the mirror. It's normal for thighs to touch but when it's my body it's repulsive. My thighs are wide and keep getting wider. Perhaps I'll wear pajamas the whole time.

I still need clothes that I am not going to boil in while in the really beautiful African sun... There are several items that I like being modeled on match-stick legs with a thigh gap the size of a car. My legs will never looks like that and guess what, I do not give a shit. I spend 99% of my time hiding my entire body from the world under six million layers, I don't need to do that in South Africa to. My thighs touching isn't the end of the world.

It's hard to look forward to things when you don't like how you look. Don't get me wrong, I am super-duper excited to go to Africa I've never been this excited for anything, ever. But the insecurities and anxieties are already beginning to bubble inside of me. Whatifnobodylikesme, theyareallgoingtolaughatmebecauseimfat, howamigoingtogetawaywithnoteating, imgoingtobetheugliestpersonthere,iamfatfatfatfatfatfatfat, illnevergetskinnyin36days...

It's still hard to look forward to things because I don't like how I look. But I am still super-duper excited (Kind of) to go back to South Africa and I've bee this excited once before and even though the insecurities and anxieties are bubbling away inside of me I will not let them win.
I know that people like me. Nobody laughed at me before and if they laugh at me now then the problem is with them not me. I don't need to get away with not eating, i need to eat healthily. I am fat but i'm working on it. I don't need to get skinny I need to tone up.

What's more important to me recovery or a 'bikini body'? 

The answer to that one is simple, recovery. A 'bikini body' isn't a necessity just an added bonus.  

Do and don't of dealing with depression

Having been depressed for what seems like a very long time with lots of ups and lots of downs and lots of medication and appointments and scars and tears it is only recently that I have first hand experience of living with somebody else who is depressed.

I did not realize how exhausting it can be to feel like you're walking on eggshells all the time, scared of saying or doing something that might lower their mood. (Obviously this is only true if you care about that person, if you live with a depressed person and you're not scared about upsetting them you're either brave of stupid, can't decide).

But knowing what it's like to both have depression and live with a depressed person I thought i'd share some Do's and Don't of the mistakes that I have learnt not to make again and the things that others have done to help me.

DON'TS
Do not be afraid to ask how they are feeling. Sometimes the answer they give isn't what we want to hear but we can't avoid asking how they are it makes them feel like nobody really cares.

Do not tell them they're 'lucky' and that 'others have it worse'. If you tell them others have it worse so they shouldn't be depressed, I hope they punch you in the face and tell you you can't be happy because others have it better. (See there's no logic in that!). Telling them how fortunate they are to have a good job/nice house/ loving family/food on the table/supportive friends/flashy car is not useful even the luckiest person in the world could be suffering, because depression isn't about what you do and do not have it's a mental turmoil that strangely enough a flashy car and a nice house can not fix.

Do not forget to look after yourself to. As i've already said it can be exhausting when you care about somebody who is depressed make sure you also find time to do the things you enjoy, your health and well being is equally as important as theirs.

Do not question why they are crying. They might just be having a bad day for no apparent reason or the smallest thing might have set them off, you can ask what's bothering them but if they don't want to tell you don't pry. Don't tell them they're silly for crying over something that doesn't seem like a big deal to you. Don't tell them not to cry or make them feel stupid for crying. Just pass them a tissue and if they wan't to talk, listen.

Do not get mad/take it personally. I know it's frustrating when you ask them to do something or invite them somewhere and they don't do it or cancel plans last minute. But getting mad isn't the answer, they can not help the way the feel and sometimes doing anything is psychically and mentally too much. Some days all they will do is breathe and that is okay. If they snap at you don't take it personally and never think their illness is you're fault, controlling their emotions isn't something that comes easily. If they cancel plans or don't want to go somewhere with you, it isn't because they dislike you or don't want to be seen with you. Leaving the house can seem like the most challenging thing for them.

Do not ask why their depressed. It's an illness, it happens. I hate to make this comparison but it's like asking a cancer patient why they have cancer or somebody who had a heart attack why they had a heart attack. Let's treat mental illness the same way you would a physical one.


DOS
Do listen without judging them. Sometimes the best and the only thing we can do is listen to at they have to say, without offering a 'solution'. Listening and showing that you are listening can be a massive thing, it shows you care. They might say something you believe is totally crazy but don't judge them for it (At least not out loud..)

Do nice things. My favorite people that have helped me through the difficult times are the ones who've randomly done kind things. (The people that would randomly give me chocolate, yum) or would just offer to do something for me reminded me that actually, I do have friends and people who care. It doesn't mean buying them things, sitting with them, spending time with them, doing something with them you know they enjoy, turning up with chocolate...

Do remember you can not fix them. Frustrating, i know. But you can't fix broken people the same way you'd fix a broken ornament, no amount of glue is going to hold them together. You can not magically heal them, you can how ever pray for them and encourage them to seek treatment if they have not already.

Do contact relevant people in times of need. If you are incredibly concerned about what they have said or done it is okay to contact people, they might dislike you for it in the moment but eventually they will thank you. (Eg, if you suspect they've overdosed or self harmed really badly call an ambulance. If you think they might be suicidal contact the crisis team. if you think they need lots of TLC and you don't think you have the time or energy to do it on that occasion contact one of their friends or family members).

Do ask them what you can do to help. Knowing what to do when somebody is depressed isn't a skill you can magically develop. Ask them what they think will help, what they would like to do or if there is anything you can do for them. If you don't ask, you'll never know.

Do give them space.  If they tell you to leave them alone sometimes that is when they need you most but don't suffocate them, give them time and space to themselves if that means they're going to sit and cry for 3 hours straight that's okay, let them, you don't need to be with them every minute or every day. If you're concerned they're going to hurt themselves while you're gone you are not accountable for their actions, you also need time and space for yourself and again, if you fear they may be suicidal contact the crisis team, you shouldn't try and deal with that on your own.

Start a revolution, Stop hating your body!

As summer approaches it's easy to focus on our wobbly bits - jiggly thighs, bulging stomachs and bums that just can not compete with Kim Kardashians. We spend too much time focusing on the bits of us we hate so then we hate ourselves. Maybe if we focused on the stuff we liked we'd like ourselves more. After all you can't look after something you hate so it's time to start liking ourselves.

So i've asked all sorts of people what they like about their bodies and why. These were males/females, old/young, tall/short, underweight/overweight/anywhereinbetweenweight and here's what the replies were..

I like ...

My Eyes (They're a really nice shade of green)
My Collar bones
My Broad shoulders
My smile
My Hair (It's the easiest thing I can change)
My boobs
How strong my body is, It's carried a baby, it can do anything!
My legs (They can run really fast)
That I am Hench
my eyes (they're green and that's my favorite colour)
The shape of my lips
My bump
The muscles on my arms
My hip bones
My eyebrows (They're on point)
My bottom (I worked hard to get it!)
My hands (they can do so much)
My eyes (because they're unique an people always point them out - they're my best feature)

Your body is an amazing thing. A beautiful thing. There is more to your body than whether it's a 'summer body' or not. Learn to love it.

START A REVOLUTION, STOP HATING YOUR BODY.


do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God?

Thank you!

A lot of the time I feel like i'm writing jumbled words and messy thoughts that nobody is really interested in.

But after now having way over 6000 views all over the world (Might not seem like a lot, but that's more than I ever thought i'd get!) I'd like to thank the people who actually read the rubbish I write.

I've received a few nice messages over the past couple of weeks and I really want to everyone to know how much I appreciate everyone's support!

"Hey I doubt you remember me - I just read some of your blog posts. You're an amazing writer and so inspirational. SO brave for sharing your stories.
Keep going with them, you should be so proud of yourself
Sorry if this was random x"


"Hey, you won't know me or at least remember me  - But just wanted you to know that I read your blog and have done for about a year and the messages and information you're putting out there is really helping people"


"Hi, I'm sorry if this a weird thing to say but I just want to thank you for your blog, it's nice to know that I am not alone and your blog has helped me more than you realise, Thankyou"
So thank you, dearest readers for actually expressing an interest and taking the time to read my blog. It means a lot.

If there is anything you guys would like me to write about then pretty please let me know, otherwise i'm going to stick to writing whatever crap pops into my head. 
You can let me know via facebook, or comment on this or any of my posts (You can do this anonymously).

You're all fab!
xxxxxxx

Dear parents

Dear parents,

They've got your child. They don't want to give them beck. They're doing their best to get them away from you, push you away, convince him/her that you do not care, that you're terrible.

They're going to harm your child and your child will cooperate without hesitation. They're going to make them do things that will break your heart and fill your eyes with tears. They're trying to kill your child. 

You're blissfully unaware because you're child is still at home looking fine, acting a bit strange at times. But the people that have your child are at home with you. They're with him/her 24/7, there is no escaping it, your child is trapped.

Instagram, tumblr, pinterest. Harmless, so they seem. But there is an entire population of people there who are harming themselves and dragging your child into their own self-destruction. A secret world full of "Pro-Anorexics/Bulimics/depressives/selfharmers/relapse"

Promoting mental illness, making it look glamorous. Encouraging your child to cut and binge and starve and hate themselves. Encouraging them to lose weight, lose friends, lose their lives. Competing to see who can get skinniest quickest and fast for the longest, who can cut the deepest, keep it secret for longest.

You might think you know your child, their accounts, that they're fine. But with increasing number of these accounts where you can see young boys and girls document there food intake, thought process and even picture of their self mutilation you can never be to sure.

They've given serious mental illnesses pet name in order to talk about them in such away that loved ones won't find out what's going on if they over hear any conversations.. So if you hear your child talking about any of these then it might be time to start asking questions

Each has a name for boys and a name for girls..

Ana/Rex (Anorexia). Mia/Bill (Bulimia). Perry/Pat (Paranoia). Annie/Max (Anxiety). Olive/Owen (OCD). Sue/Dallas (Suicidal). Deb/Dan (depression). Cat/Sam (Self Harm). Ellie/Ed (EDNOS)

And that is to name but a few.

 Beware parents, they've got your children.

What are those?

I get asked the same question probably 3 million times a year (Slight exaggeration). I never know how to respond, and I always want to bury my head in shame. It isn't often I walk around with short sleeves on, but I like to wear skirts and shorts and sometimes t-shirts that aren't all the way up to my neck. So chances are if i'm not covered from head to toe and something more than my face is showing than scars will be showing to.

So I am forever being asked "What are those?, How did you get them? What happened to you?"
And I think I give a different answer to every single person that asks, usually something sarcastic or something only a 5 year old would believe..

• When I was in Africa I got attacked by a Lion cub
• I fell in a thorn bush when I was little and the scars just never faded
• Stretch Marks 
• I have a cat that hates me
• Aliens abducted me and took bits of my skin so they could disguise themselves and take over earth
• I got dropped into a pile of shredded paper as a baby
• When I was doing catering I got into a serious knife fight
• I was born with hundreds of birthmarks
• My chainsaw malfunctioned, and well, needless to say I never used it again.
• I went skydiving and their was a freak wind and we landed in bin full of broken glass
• This one time, when I was really really drunk, i thought it would be funny to try and walk through a glass door... it shattered, so did my pride.
• When I was in neverland Captain hook and I were playing tig, and well... 
• S&M...

Eventually though, I will be able to answer by saying... "I used to self harm, but I'm better now"
And I long for the day when that no longer embarrasses me, when walking around in weather appropriate clothes during the summer is an option.

Fat families.

It's no secret that over half of my family (Including the extended bits) are fat. (Sorry guys, someone had to say it..) And as far as I'm concerned always have been. I often get told i'm not a 'true Brown' because my BMI isn't one that's in the 'overweight' section.

I'm not saying being fat is a bad thing, if you enjoy food go ahead, eat it until you pop. If your clothes size doesn't bother you and you don't let it define you then XXXL means nothing. If you are happy with a bit of extra padding then don't let anyone tell you you need to change.

But as for me, and my small proportion of the Brown family it seems like weight is a war on both ends of the scale. The battle of the bulge and the battle for bones.  We all share the same love of food. Infact we probably love food more than we love eachother, but hating ourselves/trying to change ourselves is something we probably all have in common.

And it's only been the past few day's i've realized this. We all torture ourselves first thing in the morning to step on the scale praying and hoping it will show a number less than yesterdays.

When I was close to my lowest weight the scales got hidden. Nobody used them while I was home in fear I'd find out their hiding place (Behind the freezer - I found them a few hours after they were hidden but sssshhh). Obviously they knew I had because they eventually moved to behind the sofa. This was done in an attempt to stop me weighing myself at least 10 times a day. Morning, mid morning, after a wee, after exercise, lunch time, after every time I used the toilet, mid afternoon, before I ate, after I ate, before I purged, after I purged, before bed, if I woke up in the night.

The number on the scale controlled my every thought, my mood, my decisions, my life. If I couldn't hop on the scale I'd hop on the wii fit and use that scale instead. Every time I visited someone elses house i'd go and use their scale.

These days I'm not quite as bad. I weigh myself at least once a day. (They recommend once a week...). But I am not the only one. My father hops on and off the scale every single day. My brother maybe twice a day. My sister every time she's here and she's just bought her own for her house. My mum every now and then. But we all do the same thing.

We all feel disappointed when the inanimate object projects a higher number than the previous time. We all feel a sense of achievement when the inanimate object shows a smaller number. We let the number control our actions for the day.

"I need to cut down again today the scale says I've gained X lbs"
"I've lost another X lbs, If I carry on eating well I'll be at Xstones in no time"
"I've gained X lbs, I need to do something about my weight"
"I can't have any chocolate today"
"I need to eat more vegetables and I might actually lost the X lbs I need to"
Or if you're me "If I weight more than X stone I will fxxking cut myself"

It's unhealthy that each of us let this block of glass define our mood, our meal choices, whether or not we're going to exercise.

We're all different weights in our family unit, ranging from Below 8 stone right up until the 20somethings. But we are all obsessed. We are al fighting the same battles against our bodies. We all share the desire to lose weight. We are all an 'unhealthy' weight. But why should we let that control us?

The number on the inanimate object does not define your worth.

Anti-human tablets.

I have recently started a new course of anti-depressants. I'm going to use the term 'Anti-depressant' lightly, because chocolate works better than these things. (And that's coming from someone with an eating disorder...)

I've taken 3 different types of anti-depressants, and the one i'm on currently they've tried to shove down my throat before - they didn't work. So here they are starting me up on a stronger dose of placebo.

But they do no work, they will not work and no matter how much people tell me to give them a chance they will not change anything.

A tablet isn't going to make me forget the sexual assaults. A tablet isn't going to suddenly trust people and have new found love for people I don't know. A tablet isn't going to get rid of my crippling fear of people. A tablet isn't going to take away the pain and the hurt. A tablet isn't going to make me suddenly love myself. A tablet isn't going to make it feel like i'm at home in my own house. A tablet isn't going to take away the scars that remind of everything that's ever been wrong. A tablet will not make me forget harsh words that cut deeper than blades ever did.

What it will do however is make me feel less human than I already do. Suck the life out of me, make me jittery, make me throw up because i've been told to take them on an empty-stomach when the leaflet says clearly not to. Make me sleep during the day because if I want to be dead I might as well just sleep, it's the same thing really but without the commitment. Make me teary and achey and tired. They have not however taken away the depression.

I long to feel human again. I want to have the ability to leave the house (or even my bedroom) without it taking as much effort as climbing mount everest. I wan't to be able to go out with friends but I push them all away because handling me on anti-depressants it worse than putting up with just the depression. I wan't to do things normal people do like go out for meals and leave the house without needing somebody for support. I want to be able to walk around with my head held high rather than wanting to bury it under the concrete I walk on.

I wan't these tablets to actually work. I wan't to be okay.