Disordered Behavior

Shortly I will be going out for a family meal. I'm not one for sitting round a table eating dinner and making conversation, I'm not one for eating in public either. But today I will be doing both. I have several fears and disordered thoughts when it comes to eating at a restaurant. I think I'd sooner go to mcdonalds and that's saying something.

I developed some rules and rituals during my eating disorder that the majority I still stick to and probably will for forever, well until I am fully recovered. This is why eating meals out is hard.

I have a certain plate that I eat off, nobody else is allowed to eat using it. This behavior started when I was struggling the most, I was scared if somebody else used that plate the fat/calories in what they ate would some how magically stick to the plate (weird, I know). While I have a healthier mind-set now I know that the fat/calories will not stick to the plate but I still only eat from that plate. Going to a restaurant means I can't eat off my peppa pig plate and have to eat from one which has probably been used thousands of times, scary!

Then there is the fact I like to use certain cutlery. This is more because I don't know who's mouth that fork or spoon has been in, I don't know what food that knife has touched and it might not have been washed properly and I'll be getting somebody elses germs... This is the same with glasses, I don't know who's gob has touched it, but this can easily be solved with straws, thankfully.

Then there's the whole sitting together thing, this usually goes one of two ways. The first example happened recently at a party. People either make a big deal out of the fact I am eating "Well done you!" "Nice to see you eating" "Is that it?" - stop being patronizing before I stab you with my knife and fork, let me just get on with it without feeling like everyone's concentrating on me or you will put me off my food.  Or they sit and silently judge me, neither one is brilliant. I guess sometimes neither happens (This is usually when I'm being moody and rude to everyone else, ooops)

The only good thing about going out for a meal is the hilarious combinations people put in their salad bowls - seriously, Onion and pineapple in the same bowl, with salad cream on top? ew.

Well this is my completely useless post for the day, just a little insight to how weird I am. Fingers crossed you'll get a more interesting post next time! Ciao! xxxx