Disordered Behavior

Shortly I will be going out for a family meal. I'm not one for sitting round a table eating dinner and making conversation, I'm not one for eating in public either. But today I will be doing both. I have several fears and disordered thoughts when it comes to eating at a restaurant. I think I'd sooner go to mcdonalds and that's saying something.

I developed some rules and rituals during my eating disorder that the majority I still stick to and probably will for forever, well until I am fully recovered. This is why eating meals out is hard.

I have a certain plate that I eat off, nobody else is allowed to eat using it. This behavior started when I was struggling the most, I was scared if somebody else used that plate the fat/calories in what they ate would some how magically stick to the plate (weird, I know). While I have a healthier mind-set now I know that the fat/calories will not stick to the plate but I still only eat from that plate. Going to a restaurant means I can't eat off my peppa pig plate and have to eat from one which has probably been used thousands of times, scary!

Then there is the fact I like to use certain cutlery. This is more because I don't know who's mouth that fork or spoon has been in, I don't know what food that knife has touched and it might not have been washed properly and I'll be getting somebody elses germs... This is the same with glasses, I don't know who's gob has touched it, but this can easily be solved with straws, thankfully.

Then there's the whole sitting together thing, this usually goes one of two ways. The first example happened recently at a party. People either make a big deal out of the fact I am eating "Well done you!" "Nice to see you eating" "Is that it?" - stop being patronizing before I stab you with my knife and fork, let me just get on with it without feeling like everyone's concentrating on me or you will put me off my food.  Or they sit and silently judge me, neither one is brilliant. I guess sometimes neither happens (This is usually when I'm being moody and rude to everyone else, ooops)

The only good thing about going out for a meal is the hilarious combinations people put in their salad bowls - seriously, Onion and pineapple in the same bowl, with salad cream on top? ew.

Well this is my completely useless post for the day, just a little insight to how weird I am. Fingers crossed you'll get a more interesting post next time! Ciao! xxxx

Jumbled thoughts

I feel like i've neglected my blog and it's readers. But my mind is all over the place and writing a half-decent post is proving impossible. It's been a rough couple of weeks but I am muddling through with the help of some wonderful people (You know who you are and I can't thank you enough).

It has been pointed out to me recently how far I've come and I hadn't actually noticed. I know that i'm still struggling a lot the past couple of weeks especially, but I know that I've been here before and will make it through. (Saying this, i just tried to list areas in which i'd come far and could only think of 1 that I'm actually happy with).

I wish I could explain how I feel, but mental illness is a funny thing and I don't even know how I feel. I know that I want to push everybody away but at the same time I don't want to be alone. I want to scream but at the same time I want to be silent. I want a hug but don't want to be touched. I want food and lots of it but I don't want to get fat. I want to have control but at the same time I want to give God control.

I don't even know why I am writing this, I don't even know why I have a blog. I don't know anything.

The only thing I do know is, when it comes to life, it goes on. This will all pass. I hope.

Does my bum look big in this?

"You're going to be in your own skin until you die, that's a while. You might as well get comfortable in it"

Comfortable in my skin is something I'm certainly not and something I can't imagine being. I constantly worry about how I look and how other people see me - doesmybumlookbiginthis? IbettheythinkIhavegainedweight. IjustknowtheythinkthatIlookweird. Theymustthinkimreallyugly.


There is a lot of things that they might notice, like the fact: I have a massive forehead, nose and chin. My eyes are too small, cheeks are too chubby and my lips are a weird shape. I don't have a flat stomach and I don't have a thigh gap. My ears aren't identical, I have boat feet, broad shoulders, fat thighs, flabby arms and wide hips. My eyeliner isn't symmetrical, skin isn't clear and my hair isn't in great condition. Too name just a few...

None of this should matter though. I could be as beautiful as Kim Kardashian or the Olsen twins but that wouldn't mean anything in 20 years time when I have wrinkles and grey hair. It's what's on the inside that counts and no amount of make-up or botox can make you a nice person.

As nice as it would be to be a walking barbie doll, I am not. But I like to think i'm a nice person (certainly not all the time though, i don't understand how God can love everyone all the time, people are annoying!) and that's all that matters in the long run. I'd rather be ugly but a nice person than a pretty person with an ugly personality..

"Man looks on the outside, God looks (clap clap) on the heart"

Weed.

I am drowning, metaphorically speaking obviously.. because my laptop isn't waterproof. I am drowning in a sea of negativity, self hatred and lack of control. (It's okay though, my life guard walks on water)

I want to make a happy post about how things get better, how that actually life is going great and everything is just perfect but then I would be a liar. I want to encourage others who are struggling that they should not give up and that things will get better but how can I say such things when I'm still drowning? How can I say things get better when in reality I'm not sure they do?

My problem is that I focus on the negatives and I know i'm not alone in this. It's easier to think about all the bad things that have happened than the good. I got given a story once, it was about a king or something who sent two of his servants round the palace gardens. The first was told to look for the weeds, the second was told to look for the flowers. When the first one returned he spoke about the ugly weeds that covered the gardens and made them look horrible. When the Second returned he talked about how beautiful the flowers were and how pretty the gardens looked. The message was something like... If you look for weeds (negative things) you are sure to find them, so start looking for the flowers (the positives) and you'll see how beautiful life can be.

While I haven't searched for the weeds I certainly haven't searched for flowers either. I find looking at the positives almost impossible. I could write a whole blog post on why today my mind is filled with weeds, but focusing on them definitely will not make flowers appear. Change your thoughts and you can change your life.

"Everyday might not be good but there's something good in every day"Today might have been a bad day but the fact I didn't do any washing up at the cafe is good (that's the best I could come up with but I did it! - Your turn)

Trust

I want to write a wonderfully meaningful blog post, but I can't. I want to write a post that at least helps or inspires one person, but I can't. I am mentally exhausted and want to hibernate, but I can't.

But what I can do is write a quote that I just read on pinterest and make it nice and colourful.

"Whatever is worrying you right now,
Forget about it.
Take a deep breath.
And trust in God."

And that is exactly what I need to do. I need to stop worrying and trust in God.

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding" - Proverbs 3:5

(Normal blogging will resume when my brain is in a normal state)

Sunday Secrets, forgiving and forgetting.

If you haven't heard of postsecret click HERE ... If you can't be bothered to click there (because I know I would be too lazy to) then basically  "PostSecret is an ongoing community art project where people mail in their secrets anonymously on one side of a homemade postcard." The website gets updated with a new load of secrets every sunday. One of todays secrets was "I forgive my bully, you can too" So i'm going to touch on this slightly.. You could even say that this sunday I'm telling you a secret. 

I recently had a conversation with somebody (at least I think I did, although I can't remember who, I was probably just talking to myself..) about how sometimes you just have to forgive an apology you never received. It doesn't matter what circumstance, or what somebodies done if they don't want to apologize they wont. If you're getting hung up on the fact they haven't apologized then it's only going to affect you, not them.

Forgive and forget.
For me personally forgiving an apology I never have and never will receive has been life changing. Just like it probably has been for the person who sent in that secret. When I was 10 I was sexually assaulted. The thought of it consumed my every day life. I wouldn't let anybody touch me, in case they hurt me, I was scared. Why? Because every time somebody touched me I assumed they were going to do the same. I hadn't forgiven him so I couldn't move on.

"For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you." - Matthew 6:14. Now, I am not going to pretend that this made me forgive him, but it was time to move on and this verse certainly helped. I have forgiven him and others who have done me wrong and it has changed my life. I finally know how much a hug can improve my mood rather than panicking and crying every time somebody did as much as even tap me on the shoulder.
But on the other hand forgetting is something that I know that I and a lot of my friends can not do. How can you simply forget something that has impacted your life in such a big way? You can't! The only bad things you should be expected to forget are those bad jokes you get in a cracker at christmas. You can forgive though.
Stop letting those who have hurt you control so much of your life. Whether you're forgiving your husband, mother, brother, abuser, friend, whoever it is and whatever they've done it isn't easy but it's worth it. “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times? “Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.” - Matthew 18:21-22
(I'm still not sure how to end these posts so sorry if it always seem's like I just stop talking, quote something then shut up)

Words are powerful.

" Though sticks and stones inflict great pain their hurt will fade away but just one sharp and biting word brings harm that's here to stay. Our words are powerful with them we can build up and encourage or we can tear down and destroy."

I think people don't realize how much their words can impact someone. It might seem like 'banter' to you, but to the person receiving it, it might not be. You might think you're being funny when you say these things but actually the words you say can, in some cases impact a persons life.

With words you can; crush dreams, build hope, make someone smile, make them cry, make them think, encourage, discourage, comfort, compliment, create stories and lies. Words can change lives.

I'm watching 'Finding Nemo' and in this film Marlin (the father fish) constantly tells Nemo (his son) that he can't do things. "You think you can do these things but you just can't Nemo!" Harmless words it might seem, yet Nemo believes them. In a different scene Nemo tells another fish "I can't! I have a bad fin" without even trying.
Nemo has been told he can't do things so he believe's it. - Do you see the point i'm trying to make?
If Marlin built up his sons confidence, instead of tearing it down, Nemo might of believed in himself (Yes I did just write about fictional fish. (i've watched the film 15 times in 3 days, go watch it guys))

Words are powerful. If you call someone fat and they believe you, they could starve themselves to prove you wrong. If you tell someone who's already suicidal to kill themselves, there is a chance they will. If you tell someone they won't be able to do something, they won't even attempt it. If you call someone fat, ugly, useless, worthless or stupid it will hurt them..

I'm not going to pretend I don't hurt people with my words. In fact, I never think before I speak and I'm always finding myself apologizing for cruel words I've said in the heat of the moment. Words that I don't even mean, its something that I need to work on and I'm assuming a lot of other people do to.

Words are powerful, use them wisely. Build up and encourage.

Take a second to think about this...
THINK before you speak. "Is it True, Helpful, Inspiring, Necessary Kind?  

Bad body image

If you haven't experienced or heard somebody talk about a 'Fat day' then you must have been hiding under a rock. Women get them regularly, probably more regularly than they get periods (sorry)! So what is it that we can do to improve our body image, or to at least look after ourselves on these days?

Remember that feeling fat and being fat are two different things.
Your body doesn't actually look any different to what it did yesterday and you haven't really gained a stone overnight.  So it must be something psychological, what is it you're really feeling but projecting onto your body? Are you scared, nervous, anxious, lonely, feeling inadequate in comparison to someone else?

Each day say out loud something you like about yourself.
It doesn't matter what it is, just do it! Look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself how awesome you are. Remind yourself how much you like your eyes or hair colour or anything - Just focus on the positives!

Do not compare yourself to anyone.
She might be a dress size smaller than you and his IQ might be higher than yours but that doesn't matter. Wishing you were like somebody else will just make you feel worse, wanting to be someone else is a waste of the amazing person you are! And, actually, the person you compare yourself too might not be any happier than you are.

Surround yourself with people who support you and make you feel good.
That one explains itself really, it isn't much use hanging around with people who make you feel rubbish.

Treat yourself how you would treat your best friend.
We are our own worst enemies, think how you would respond if it was a friend feeling this way. You wouldn't tell them not to eat for the day. You wouldn't say negative things to them and you certainly wouldn't punish them for the way they look. - start treating yourself as if you're a friend!

Be kind to yourself.
Do something nice for yourself, give yourself a manicure. Have a nice long bath. Go for a coffee with a friend. Treat yourself to something (shoes are always good). Whatever it might be if it stops you from doing something self destructive then do it. Even if you don't think you deserve it i'm telling that you do and i'm always right...

Its gone 1am so I guess i'll stop there. Remember YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL.

"How beautiful you are, my love; how perfect you are" Song of Solomon 4:7