Dear person reading this,

Dear person reading this,

You made it through another year. You made it through the hard times and pain. You made it through all the times when you all you wanted to do was give up. You made it. You made it another year and I promise you can make it another year. I am SO proud of you.


(Saw this on my tumblr dashboard and it was too good not to steal. Anyone and everyone who wanted to give up this year but is still here, you should be proud of yourselves.)

Happy new year!

2013 is nearly over, hip hip hooray! Not that it really matters because even though people like to believe that a new year means suddenly everything will be better that just isn't the case. The fact it's a different number just means we'll all get confused when writing the date.

Anyway, lets all admit it, 2013 hasn't really been a brilliant year for the majority of people. (and contrary to what I just said i do hope 2014 is fabulous for you all) and it's really easy to focus on all the terrible things that happened through out the year. So i'm writing this purely to help me realize that 2013 wasn't all bad..

Things I'm proud of:

While I didn't pass any a-levels and managed to drop out of two college courses I did manage some equally as important things that even though they won't help me with my future I'm still quite proud...

I completed 290 levels on candy crush ( Sad, I know). I didn't kill myself or anyone else! I ate in front of people. I managed (for a short while) to put recovery first. I started going to church again. I made a half decent army-tank cake. I attempted to go back into education. This blog got over 2400 page views! I didn't catch herpes. I didn't get addicted to drugs. (The last two are just to make my list seem longer..)

Good things that happened:

I had the best birthday I've ever had (Thanks Jilly!). I got to lay in the dark with my friends and watch shooting stars! I got to watch the sunset from the top of warwick castle. God gave me the most wonderful friend I could I ask for. A lot of summer was spent intoxicated with my friends. I cant think of anymore but i'm sure their was more than that!

This year I'm going to do that thing where you write down every good thing that happens on a piece of paper, fold it up and put it in a jar and on NYE'14 you look at all the good things that happened, how cool is that?!

Well, I hope you all have a wonderful night if you're going to be welcoming the new year in and I hope each and every one of you has an absolutely brilliant year because you all deserve to! xxx

i hate christmas.

Its just gone midnight, so it is officially Christmas. If I was 8 years old I'd of been asleep long ago because everyone knows if you're awake Santa won't come. But because i'm no longer 8 years old midnight is just the perfect time to over think absolutely everything.

This year has been a funny year. I spent half of it putting recovery first, then the other half putting it on hold. Last Christmas I was so prepared for dinner. I didn't need to panic at stupid o'clock. Quorn cottage pie (213 Kcals). This year I'm not sure if I'm with my family for Christmas, or with someone else's because I am so indecisive. So not only do I have the battle of doireallywanttospendchristmaswithmysistersboyfriend?
I also have all this circling my somewhat jumbled brain.

Can't I just hibernate for the day? orwillthatspoilthings?
If I stay at home what will I eat? enoughtosatistfyothers? anamountthatwontmakemehatemyself?
But then I might binge at home? toomuchchocolateequalsemotionallydia.
What would I eat at someone else's house? canigetawaywithnoteating? oristhatrude?
idontknowwhattodoandimsoanxiousthatimcrying. 
whydoholidaysrevolvearoundfood?
im99.99%surethatwhateverdecisionimakeimgoingtospoilsomeoneschristmas.
Ihaventevenconsideredbreakfastorsupperyet.
andwhataboutboxingday?!

It's fair to say I have gotten myself into a right tizz and I'm not entirely sure what I am going to do about it. I am convinced i'm going to ruin Christmas. Im going to stop myself from continuing my rambling now.

On a less selfish note, I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas. (Please remember it's all about Jesus and not all about what presents you get!)

Christmas with an eating disorder.

Christmas is supposed to be a time filled with family, food and celebrations. Chocolates and sweets are constantly available, advent calenders, tins, selection boxes. Lets not forget all the food at the parties... the calories in alcohol or the millions of mince pies consumed. Brilliant!

Now think about what christmas day is like in your house, For our family its bacon and toast for breakfast, the mid morning raid of the tin of chocolate, then christmas dinner  Turkey, roast potatoes, pigs in blankets, yorkshire puddings, carrots, peas and gravy. Now lets not forget about pudding, depending on what we fancy, Ice cream? Cake? Both?! Maybe even with second helpings! And the glasses of wine... Then the "I'm full but i'm going to eat some more chocolate, chocolate." Then the late at night supper which is probably turkey sandwiches, followed by even more chocolate, simply because it's there.

The family is over and everyone's enjoying there meals and moaning that they've eaten too much but not being too phased because after all, it's christmas!  The average person has consumed 6,000 calories, 3 times the recommended daily amount, but still, it's christmas, who cares?!

But what about when you have an eating disorder. When sitting at that table with a plate piled with food is the last thing you want, when you try to eat it so you don't ruin everyone else's christmas but suddenly the guilt of eating is killing you. What about when family members point out that you haven't eaten a lot. Or when you're told "Treat yourself, it's christmas" as if the eating disorder takes a day off for the holidays.

Christmas is supposed to be filled with joy and happiness, not guilt and self hatred. Christmas with an eating disorder is hard. Please just think before you say anything to a loved one who you know or suspect might be suffering. Don't make a big deal about how much or how little they've eaten. Don't try to guilt trip them into eating. Don't constantly ask questions or constantly offer food when they've already rejected the 300 other times you'd asked. Christmas is hard without family making it harder.