Dear depression

Dear Depression,

I don't know why you decided to become apart of my life, you've been part of my for several years now and this has been a hard decision to make... But, I think it's time for us to part., it's not me, it's you.

For a long time the idea of losing you has actually been quite a scary one but only because I wasn't sure who I would be without you. I got so used to you hanging around that leading a normal life just seemed an impossibility. In fact you've been around longer than  near enough anything else in my life. You were loyal and stuck to me like glue. But it's time for me to break the bond between us.

It's a bit like when a person drinks too much of a certain alcohol and it makes them sick so they can't even bare the thought of it anymore. Or like that time I binged on bakewell Nakd bars and now even looking at them makes me feel slightly ill. You have so much of something that the thought of it is no longer  pleasant one.. You were never a pleasant thought, but it's kind of the same thing, I've had my fill of you and no longer can deal with your presence

You took over every aspect of my life, you made me push away my friends, hate myself, feel worthless and made me question whether my life was even worth living. You might of been loyal but you certainly haven't been a friends. I am bored of listening to your constant negativity, Telling me i'm not good enough or how everything is my fault, making me actually quite selfish (Someones in a grump? Must be because of me. People I don't even know are whispering? Must be bitching about me. Someone is crying? Must be something I have said or I have done) but not everything is about me, why would you even want me to think that?

You kept up at night with panic attacks and endless tears for reasons that seemed so small. Or like tonight for no reason at all, just a crippling wave of sadness that causes my tears to pour and my chest to hurt and hurting myself seem lie a completely logical thing to do (Thankfully, I manage to block out the hurting bit, you've scarred me enough).

I can't even pretend that I m grateful for having known you, you've been nothing but trouble. You've made me lonely, insecure and afraid. And while over the past few weeks you've been trying to tighten your grip, it really is time for you to let go.

I can not bare the thought of having to live the rest of my life with you in it, so please do me a favor. Fuck off Give me my life back. I'm done with just existing, it's time to live.

Sincerely
Lydia.

People Intolorent

If you have ever had a conversation with me you have probably heard me say the words "I hate people" if you haven't heard me say it, you're probably one of those 'people'. Okay the hate part is probably a bit strong, but I do dislike the human race as a general rule.

The noises people make as they eat or drink or breathe make me want to sew their mouths shut, when people talk to me I find it hard not to make sarcastic or rude comments which cause way toooooo much offence even though I am really 'joking'. When people question what I am doing as if I am a five year old and not an adult (really i do not have to justify my every move) I have a sudden desire to throw something at them - a bowling ball would be good. (Thankfully I haven't actually thrown anything yet..)

People irritate me to say the least and if I reply to your messages, answer the phone to you or can hold down a 2 minute conversation with you, you should feel honored. People Are not my thing and at the moment avoiding them is what I do best, I switched to job which involved less people, I don't make the effort talk to any of my 'friends' and reading messages is a rare thing, let alone replying. I rarely answer the door and even saying 'hello' to people in person has become a struggle.

Truth is though, I don't hate people. I am fascinated by people. But I don't want them to need me, or like me or get too close. I don't need more than maybe the 5 people that I actually talk to on a regular basis. I think this is caused mainly by my depression and started when I was suicidal, pushing people away was the easiest thing to do, nobody would be sad if I killed myself if I had no friends.

I think I don't make the effort to make new 'friends' or have much of a social life because I am scared of getting hurt, again. This probably stems from the sexual assault and years of violence, nobody can hurt me if I never see or speak to anybody, right? And nobody could give me the old "I'll always be here for you" then get fed up with me causing me to have nobody to turn to in the times of need.

But actually, despite all this I long for human interaction. Because just like I couldn't live without food I am struggling to live without people I have stopped making the effort and it's having a negative impact on my mental health.

People are an important part of recovery and avoiding them isn't doing me any favors,

Reevaluate

Around this time a year ago I wrote THIS post. And I am just going to edit it slightly. the 2014 post will be in GREEN and this years version will be in black. This time last year I was a stone lighter and lot more miserable.

I leave for Africa in 36 days. 51,840 minutes. 3,110,400 seconds. 864 hours. In that time I will attend college 5 times, spend 20 days at work, go on one trip to Gardeners World Live and go for a jog maybe, twice?

I leave for Africa in 33 days. 47,520 minutes. 2,851,200 seconds. 792 hours. In that time I will spend maybe 14 days at work, attend maybe 5 appointments, go no where exciting and exercise maybe 33 times (If i feel like it)

While I sit here trawling the internet on various clothing websites trying to find clothes and swimming costumes to take with me my heart breaks. I click on the 'swimwear' section and stare at the teeny-tiny models with incy-wincy waists. "Why don't I look like that?"  Perhaps I'll sleep instead of go into any pools at buffelspoort... Bikinis that show off my flabby stomach and swimming costumes that still don't hide the layers of blubber that covers my body just aren't for me.

While I sit here having already looked at a million different clothing websites I don't even bother to click on swimwear because nowhere sells a 28 back bikini (Apart from like bravissimo, hooray for bravissimo). However, I still question why I do not look like the models - oh yes, because I am human. I now own a bikini that will show off my flabby stomach (That will hopefully be toned by the time it comes to wearing it). I shouldn't feel like I have to hide my body, if anybody is judging me for what I look like then they have too much time on their hands.

But I still need clothes that I'm not going to boil in while in the African sun.. Skirts, shorts, dresses... I find several that I like, being modeled on match-stick legs with a gap the size of a car separating their thighs. "They're nice, but only if my legs looked like that" I stare at my thighs in the reflection of the mirror. It's normal for thighs to touch but when it's my body it's repulsive. My thighs are wide and keep getting wider. Perhaps I'll wear pajamas the whole time.

I still need clothes that I am not going to boil in while in the really beautiful African sun... There are several items that I like being modeled on match-stick legs with a thigh gap the size of a car. My legs will never looks like that and guess what, I do not give a shit. I spend 99% of my time hiding my entire body from the world under six million layers, I don't need to do that in South Africa to. My thighs touching isn't the end of the world.

It's hard to look forward to things when you don't like how you look. Don't get me wrong, I am super-duper excited to go to Africa I've never been this excited for anything, ever. But the insecurities and anxieties are already beginning to bubble inside of me. Whatifnobodylikesme, theyareallgoingtolaughatmebecauseimfat, howamigoingtogetawaywithnoteating, imgoingtobetheugliestpersonthere,iamfatfatfatfatfatfatfat, illnevergetskinnyin36days...

It's still hard to look forward to things because I don't like how I look. But I am still super-duper excited (Kind of) to go back to South Africa and I've bee this excited once before and even though the insecurities and anxieties are bubbling away inside of me I will not let them win.
I know that people like me. Nobody laughed at me before and if they laugh at me now then the problem is with them not me. I don't need to get away with not eating, i need to eat healthily. I am fat but i'm working on it. I don't need to get skinny I need to tone up.

What's more important to me recovery or a 'bikini body'? 

The answer to that one is simple, recovery. A 'bikini body' isn't a necessity just an added bonus.