It Was A Happy Christmas

Anyone who has been reading my blog long enough might remember my post from last december "Christmas with an Eating Disorder"  or my Early christmas morning ' I hate christmas' post. Last year Christmas was a struggle. My weight was a pathetic 6Stone13 and lunch was just enough vegetables on my plate to spell out 'LYDIA' using them.

This year was slightly different. I didn't weigh myself Christmas morning, that was my present to myself. A whole day not being controlled by the number on the scale. (And believe me, the number would of been a lot more than it was last Christmas).

This Christmas was different. Yes, I was worried about how much I was eating but the difference is I coped with it better. (Okay not quite, i drank too much wine and therefor didn't care). I didn't let the voices in my head take over, I ate. A lot.

Wine + chocolate for breakfast, I fell asleep during lunch, which would of been the perfect opportunity for me (or my anorexia) to be like "Well everyone has already eaten now, I don't have to!" But I ate anyway, Roast potatos, veg and a few Yorkshire puds, I even had pudding. And a bit more wine... the rest of the day consisted of a few smalls bits of chocolate, pasta, and crisps ( + more wine...) #fatty.

But I didn't engage in any disordered behaviors. I didn't purge or binge or restrict or exercise until it hurt to move. I ate, like a normal person. Todays number on the scale freaked me out a little bit, but t doesn't change the fact that I actually had one of the happiest Christmas' I've had since my eating disorder took over my life.

The great company and wine obviously played a huge factor in it being great but yesterday was a great big fat 'fuck you' to anorexia.

Anorexia 0, Lydia 1.

Fuck winter.

It's that time of year. I wake up and it's dark and miserable and still is hen I get to work (Oh and it's freezing) and then by the time I finish work it's freezing, miserable and dark. When I do go out in the day it's rare that it's sunny and even if it is it's still freezing. I spend the whole of winter wanting to be back in bed and get tempted to wrap myself in my duvet before standing in the garden to smoke.

But that's not the worst part about winter. Everything in the festive season revolves around food and don't get me started on christmas parties. I have gained so much weight that I resemble some sort of breached whale. I bought a dress for a party, it's baggy and it's black. I look like a binbag. I need a new dress. I've looked for hours and hours and can I find a new dress? Nope. It would be easier to find a dress if I could get one without sleeves, they look so much nicer - but not when it'd be revealing years worth of self-injury scars. I've found a long sleeved dress but it's bodycon. And with A body like mine the last thing I need is something to highlight how fat I am.

Everyday is a struggle and even now I'm worried about what I'll eat on christmas day and keep thinking back to how my weight then was a lot less than it is now and everyone who only visits around christmas time will laugh about how I've let myself go and gained so much weight and the anxiety is already taken it's toll. and I. Hate. Winter.