"You know what I'm sick to death of? This idea society has where you can't say good things about yourself because it's considered arrogant. It's more okay to say 'I'm shit' rather than 'I'm THE shit' it's more acceptable to self loath than self love. As soon as you flaunt your talent or what you like about yourself you're labeled big headed and this drives me mad! There's nothing wrong with being proud of your achievements or if you like the way you look one day there's nothing wrong with going out and saying 'damn I look good today' (and if you know you look good but say you look shit so someone will tell you don't - stop it right now!!!! You don't need anyone else to do that okay!!!! You don't need anyone's reassurance) don't be afraid to say 'you know what, I'm awesome' to be honest I'd much rather sit and listen to someone say what they like about themselves rather than everything they hate. I find it more attractive when someone is confident and comfortable in their own skin. I worked hard for everything in my life and I'm not ashamed to say I'm proud of everything I've achieved. I can run 10miles, I'm good at writing, I love my hair and my eyes and I also love the way my legs look in skinny jeans. So society am I an arrogant, big headed, over confident, self centered person because I said what I liked about myself rather than what I hated? Because if I am then, my friends, the world really is a screwed up place." - Charlie Attrill.
I have never read anything more accurate in my entire life. So please guys, instead of talking yourselves down, talk yourself up! What do you like about yourself? What are you good at? What talents do you have?! (if your answer to those 3 questions was 'Nothing, Nothing, None' then please think harder and be nicer to yourself!)
I like my eyes when my eyeliner goes right and as wrong as it is I like the gap between my thighs. I'm good at listening to other people and I'm good at baking (and even better at eating what I've baked). I dont have any amazing talents but I love it when I make people laugh.
Being kind to yourself shouldn't be seen as a bad thing! You are awesome and its okay to treat yourself like you are!
Saturday 30 November 2013
Thursday 28 November 2013
Who am I?
Am I the 10 year old Lydia who was above average or the 17 year old that's far below?
Am I a hypocrite for preaching recovery when I'm relapsing?
Am I the girl who doesn't eat when she's in public or the girl who'll binge until she can barely move in private?
Am I a victim of sexual assault or am I survivor?
Am I the results I got in my GCSES or am I simply just a 'drop out'?
Am I 'One of the triplets' or am I an individual?
Am I the person who's always helping others, or the person who always needs help?
Am I the self inflicted scars or the scars that have a story behind them?
Am I the girl who trusts in God when things are going okay, or the girl who doubts her beliefs when they're not?
Am I the socially awkward introverted Lydia or the Lydia who is drunk but suddenly extroverted?
Am I the names I call myself, or the names other people call me?
Am I the size of my jeans, the number on the scale, or the reflection I see in the mirror?
Am I the gap between my chunky thighs or the bulge of my stomach?
Am I the tidiness f my bedroom or the messiness of my mind?
Am I the girl who once had hopes for the future or the girl who gave up?
Am I the 800+ friends on facebook, or the 130 followers on twitter?
Am I the energetic Lydia that was always up to something, or the one who now struggles to get out of bed?
Am I the 99% of me that's given up or the 1% that's still fighting?
Am I the Lydia that wants a baby or the Lydia who's unable to have one?
Am I the Lydia that used to try her best at everything, or the Lydia who no longer tries?
I don't know who I am.
Am I a hypocrite for preaching recovery when I'm relapsing?
Am I the girl who doesn't eat when she's in public or the girl who'll binge until she can barely move in private?
Am I a victim of sexual assault or am I survivor?
Am I the results I got in my GCSES or am I simply just a 'drop out'?
Am I 'One of the triplets' or am I an individual?
Am I the person who's always helping others, or the person who always needs help?
Am I the self inflicted scars or the scars that have a story behind them?
Am I the girl who trusts in God when things are going okay, or the girl who doubts her beliefs when they're not?
Am I the socially awkward introverted Lydia or the Lydia who is drunk but suddenly extroverted?
Am I the names I call myself, or the names other people call me?
Am I the size of my jeans, the number on the scale, or the reflection I see in the mirror?
Am I the gap between my chunky thighs or the bulge of my stomach?
Am I the tidiness f my bedroom or the messiness of my mind?
Am I the girl who once had hopes for the future or the girl who gave up?
Am I the 800+ friends on facebook, or the 130 followers on twitter?
Am I the energetic Lydia that was always up to something, or the one who now struggles to get out of bed?
Am I the 99% of me that's given up or the 1% that's still fighting?
Am I the Lydia that wants a baby or the Lydia who's unable to have one?
Am I the Lydia that used to try her best at everything, or the Lydia who no longer tries?
I don't know who I am.
Friday 22 November 2013
I have no idea...
I managed to stumble across THIS post the other day. For those who haven't clicked on the link it's entitled "5 Reasons to date a girl with an eating disorder" and I'm going to respond to the reasons given and possibly add more reasons why you wouldn't want to date a girl with an eating disorder.
"1. Her obsession with her body will improve her overall looks"
I wanted to find an image of a person with anorexia that I could put a link to but that could be triggering. So If you honestly think having an eating disorder improves someones looks then I suggest you put 'Anorexic' into google images. Thinned hair, bones jutting out, a layer of lanugo hair, looking painfully emaciated, mmmm really sexy, right? No thought not.
"2. She costs less money"
This bit is referring to when going out for a meal, maybe it's true, on the other hand if her eating disorder is bulimia or binge eating disorder chances are it could cost you a lot more. And besides, just because you spend less on food doesn't mean she costs less, have you seen the prices of diet pills and laxatives?!
"3. She's fragile and vulnerable"
There is possibly some truth to this. Though i personally wouldn't want to date someone who is emotionally fragile, if you can cope with constant crying and self hatred then go a head find someone fragile. Although on the other hand a lot of the people I know with eating disorders are certainly not vulnerable, they are control freaks and certainly aren't like the girls that the author of that post describes.
"4.Probably has money of her own"
As mentioned in point 2, diet pills and laxatives cost a fortune. As does a gym membership, and binges/binge food can total up to a shocking amount of money. Not everyone with an eating disorder "Comes from money" When I had an eating disorder I was skint, sorry!
"5. She's better in bed"
That's if you can even get her into bed. Loss of libido (sex drive) Is a common side-effect of eating disorders. Insecurities about their body would also be another thing to think about, and the lack of energy from starving/purging. I'm not sure these are what makes somebody 'better in bed'.
"1. Her obsession with her body will improve her overall looks"
I wanted to find an image of a person with anorexia that I could put a link to but that could be triggering. So If you honestly think having an eating disorder improves someones looks then I suggest you put 'Anorexic' into google images. Thinned hair, bones jutting out, a layer of lanugo hair, looking painfully emaciated, mmmm really sexy, right? No thought not.
"2. She costs less money"
This bit is referring to when going out for a meal, maybe it's true, on the other hand if her eating disorder is bulimia or binge eating disorder chances are it could cost you a lot more. And besides, just because you spend less on food doesn't mean she costs less, have you seen the prices of diet pills and laxatives?!
"3. She's fragile and vulnerable"
There is possibly some truth to this. Though i personally wouldn't want to date someone who is emotionally fragile, if you can cope with constant crying and self hatred then go a head find someone fragile. Although on the other hand a lot of the people I know with eating disorders are certainly not vulnerable, they are control freaks and certainly aren't like the girls that the author of that post describes.
"4.Probably has money of her own"
As mentioned in point 2, diet pills and laxatives cost a fortune. As does a gym membership, and binges/binge food can total up to a shocking amount of money. Not everyone with an eating disorder "Comes from money" When I had an eating disorder I was skint, sorry!
"5. She's better in bed"
That's if you can even get her into bed. Loss of libido (sex drive) Is a common side-effect of eating disorders. Insecurities about their body would also be another thing to think about, and the lack of energy from starving/purging. I'm not sure these are what makes somebody 'better in bed'.
Sunday 10 November 2013
Goodbye Cafe!
After 13months volunteering at the community cafe I have finally said goodbye! But looking back on the past year I have learnt a lot. Maybe not as much as everyone else my age who's doing A-levels but none the less, I've still learnt some rather valuable lessons.
While school told me not to judge a book by it's cover it didn't tell me not to judge a person by their exterior. Maybe because at school everyone has to dress and act the same. While at the cafe I came in to contact with a lot of people some of which lived in a council flat, chain smoked, lived off benefits and their personal hygiene wasn't all that hygienic... before I would of probably ran a mile from such people but actually they are lovely. The stories I got to hear about people's lives were fascinating and actually the people were possibly friendlier than some of my acquaintances.
I've also learnt that recovery is an option. A few of the people I came into contact with had recovered from something, whether it was self-injury, drug use, alcoholism or an eating disorder. These people had recovered and if they can, why can't I? It was while at the cafe recovery, for me, became a choice as opposed to a chore. When you're surrounded by so many inspiring and supportive people on a day to day basis instead of being surrounded by the muppets at school it can do wonderful things!
I've learnt a lot about myself to - good and bad! So here some not as important things that i've learnt.... I can eat yellow food. I don't want to become a chef. I am the laziest person on the planet. Given time my confidence grows. People shouldn't scare me as much as they do. School years are not the best years of your life. Most people have 2 sugars in their tea. Curry is actually quite nice.
The most important thing I've learnt is that God works miracles on a daily basis!
While school told me not to judge a book by it's cover it didn't tell me not to judge a person by their exterior. Maybe because at school everyone has to dress and act the same. While at the cafe I came in to contact with a lot of people some of which lived in a council flat, chain smoked, lived off benefits and their personal hygiene wasn't all that hygienic... before I would of probably ran a mile from such people but actually they are lovely. The stories I got to hear about people's lives were fascinating and actually the people were possibly friendlier than some of my acquaintances.
I've also learnt that recovery is an option. A few of the people I came into contact with had recovered from something, whether it was self-injury, drug use, alcoholism or an eating disorder. These people had recovered and if they can, why can't I? It was while at the cafe recovery, for me, became a choice as opposed to a chore. When you're surrounded by so many inspiring and supportive people on a day to day basis instead of being surrounded by the muppets at school it can do wonderful things!
I've learnt a lot about myself to - good and bad! So here some not as important things that i've learnt.... I can eat yellow food. I don't want to become a chef. I am the laziest person on the planet. Given time my confidence grows. People shouldn't scare me as much as they do. School years are not the best years of your life. Most people have 2 sugars in their tea. Curry is actually quite nice.
The most important thing I've learnt is that God works miracles on a daily basis!
Wednesday 6 November 2013
This excites me too much.
This isnt even a real post I just want you all to look at THIS because it's very exciting.
Sorry if you thought this was actually a real post (Im not actually sorry).
Sorry if you thought this was actually a real post (Im not actually sorry).
Sunday 3 November 2013
I'll probably delete this
One of the suggestions I had about my blog is to make it more diary-like. Seeing as I don't know what on earth to post anymore and I'm 99% certain nobody's even interested anymore I've decided to give it ago. I'm not going to go into too much detail about what's going on in my life but I am going to try and put into words how I currently feel. I'm not sure why I'm doing this but maybe it will help some people to understand what goes on in my head.
It really bothers me when people talk about how I'm doing 'nothing' with my life. Its hard to listen to how much of a failure and disappointment you are and its awkward when people ask me what I'm doing with my life and I can just see them judging me for the fact i'm not in education and don't have a real job.
But what they fail to realize is that actually most days getting out of bed is a big deal, and some days if all i do is breathe then that's okay with me because even though I gave up on school and college and trying my best at everything I haven't completely given up on life.
I remember someone telling me once that because I wasn't in education that my life had 'no meaning' and I'm 'not much use to anyone' and even though that might be true it hurts when people point it out. If I had the energy and the right frame of mind to be doing something amazing with my life I would.
I'm not even sure why I'm writing this and i'm not sure if it even makes sense because I'm rubbish at putting my thoughts and feelings into words. So i'll probably delete this but whatever.
(Sorry for the amount of time between posts, and I hope you're all sorry for the lack of suggestions on my last post- kidding, kind of.. ).
It really bothers me when people talk about how I'm doing 'nothing' with my life. Its hard to listen to how much of a failure and disappointment you are and its awkward when people ask me what I'm doing with my life and I can just see them judging me for the fact i'm not in education and don't have a real job.
But what they fail to realize is that actually most days getting out of bed is a big deal, and some days if all i do is breathe then that's okay with me because even though I gave up on school and college and trying my best at everything I haven't completely given up on life.
I remember someone telling me once that because I wasn't in education that my life had 'no meaning' and I'm 'not much use to anyone' and even though that might be true it hurts when people point it out. If I had the energy and the right frame of mind to be doing something amazing with my life I would.
I'm not even sure why I'm writing this and i'm not sure if it even makes sense because I'm rubbish at putting my thoughts and feelings into words. So i'll probably delete this but whatever.
(Sorry for the amount of time between posts, and I hope you're all sorry for the lack of suggestions on my last post- kidding, kind of.. ).
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