Dear person reading this,

Dear person reading this,

You made it through another year. You made it through the hard times and pain. You made it through all the times when you all you wanted to do was give up. You made it. You made it another year and I promise you can make it another year. I am SO proud of you.


(Saw this on my tumblr dashboard and it was too good not to steal. Anyone and everyone who wanted to give up this year but is still here, you should be proud of yourselves.)

Happy new year!

2013 is nearly over, hip hip hooray! Not that it really matters because even though people like to believe that a new year means suddenly everything will be better that just isn't the case. The fact it's a different number just means we'll all get confused when writing the date.

Anyway, lets all admit it, 2013 hasn't really been a brilliant year for the majority of people. (and contrary to what I just said i do hope 2014 is fabulous for you all) and it's really easy to focus on all the terrible things that happened through out the year. So i'm writing this purely to help me realize that 2013 wasn't all bad..

Things I'm proud of:

While I didn't pass any a-levels and managed to drop out of two college courses I did manage some equally as important things that even though they won't help me with my future I'm still quite proud...

I completed 290 levels on candy crush ( Sad, I know). I didn't kill myself or anyone else! I ate in front of people. I managed (for a short while) to put recovery first. I started going to church again. I made a half decent army-tank cake. I attempted to go back into education. This blog got over 2400 page views! I didn't catch herpes. I didn't get addicted to drugs. (The last two are just to make my list seem longer..)

Good things that happened:

I had the best birthday I've ever had (Thanks Jilly!). I got to lay in the dark with my friends and watch shooting stars! I got to watch the sunset from the top of warwick castle. God gave me the most wonderful friend I could I ask for. A lot of summer was spent intoxicated with my friends. I cant think of anymore but i'm sure their was more than that!

This year I'm going to do that thing where you write down every good thing that happens on a piece of paper, fold it up and put it in a jar and on NYE'14 you look at all the good things that happened, how cool is that?!

Well, I hope you all have a wonderful night if you're going to be welcoming the new year in and I hope each and every one of you has an absolutely brilliant year because you all deserve to! xxx

i hate christmas.

Its just gone midnight, so it is officially Christmas. If I was 8 years old I'd of been asleep long ago because everyone knows if you're awake Santa won't come. But because i'm no longer 8 years old midnight is just the perfect time to over think absolutely everything.

This year has been a funny year. I spent half of it putting recovery first, then the other half putting it on hold. Last Christmas I was so prepared for dinner. I didn't need to panic at stupid o'clock. Quorn cottage pie (213 Kcals). This year I'm not sure if I'm with my family for Christmas, or with someone else's because I am so indecisive. So not only do I have the battle of doireallywanttospendchristmaswithmysistersboyfriend?
I also have all this circling my somewhat jumbled brain.

Can't I just hibernate for the day? orwillthatspoilthings?
If I stay at home what will I eat? enoughtosatistfyothers? anamountthatwontmakemehatemyself?
But then I might binge at home? toomuchchocolateequalsemotionallydia.
What would I eat at someone else's house? canigetawaywithnoteating? oristhatrude?
idontknowwhattodoandimsoanxiousthatimcrying. 
whydoholidaysrevolvearoundfood?
im99.99%surethatwhateverdecisionimakeimgoingtospoilsomeoneschristmas.
Ihaventevenconsideredbreakfastorsupperyet.
andwhataboutboxingday?!

It's fair to say I have gotten myself into a right tizz and I'm not entirely sure what I am going to do about it. I am convinced i'm going to ruin Christmas. Im going to stop myself from continuing my rambling now.

On a less selfish note, I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas. (Please remember it's all about Jesus and not all about what presents you get!)

Christmas with an eating disorder.

Christmas is supposed to be a time filled with family, food and celebrations. Chocolates and sweets are constantly available, advent calenders, tins, selection boxes. Lets not forget all the food at the parties... the calories in alcohol or the millions of mince pies consumed. Brilliant!

Now think about what christmas day is like in your house, For our family its bacon and toast for breakfast, the mid morning raid of the tin of chocolate, then christmas dinner  Turkey, roast potatoes, pigs in blankets, yorkshire puddings, carrots, peas and gravy. Now lets not forget about pudding, depending on what we fancy, Ice cream? Cake? Both?! Maybe even with second helpings! And the glasses of wine... Then the "I'm full but i'm going to eat some more chocolate, chocolate." Then the late at night supper which is probably turkey sandwiches, followed by even more chocolate, simply because it's there.

The family is over and everyone's enjoying there meals and moaning that they've eaten too much but not being too phased because after all, it's christmas!  The average person has consumed 6,000 calories, 3 times the recommended daily amount, but still, it's christmas, who cares?!

But what about when you have an eating disorder. When sitting at that table with a plate piled with food is the last thing you want, when you try to eat it so you don't ruin everyone else's christmas but suddenly the guilt of eating is killing you. What about when family members point out that you haven't eaten a lot. Or when you're told "Treat yourself, it's christmas" as if the eating disorder takes a day off for the holidays.

Christmas is supposed to be filled with joy and happiness, not guilt and self hatred. Christmas with an eating disorder is hard. Please just think before you say anything to a loved one who you know or suspect might be suffering. Don't make a big deal about how much or how little they've eaten. Don't try to guilt trip them into eating. Don't constantly ask questions or constantly offer food when they've already rejected the 300 other times you'd asked. Christmas is hard without family making it harder.

Charlie speaks the truth!

"You know what I'm sick to death of? This idea society has where you can't say good things about yourself because it's considered arrogant. It's more okay to say 'I'm shit' rather than 'I'm THE shit' it's more acceptable to self loath than self love. As soon as you flaunt your talent or what you like about yourself you're labeled big headed and this drives me mad! There's nothing wrong with being proud of your achievements or if you like the way you look one day there's nothing wrong with going out and saying 'damn I look good today' (and if you know you look good but say you look shit so someone will tell you don't - stop it right now!!!! You don't need anyone else to do that okay!!!! You don't need anyone's reassurance) don't be afraid to say 'you know what, I'm awesome' to be honest I'd much rather sit and listen to someone say what they like about themselves rather than everything they hate. I find it more attractive when someone is confident and comfortable in their own skin. I worked hard for everything in my life and I'm not ashamed to say I'm proud of everything I've achieved. I can run 10miles, I'm good at writing, I love my hair and my eyes and I also love the way my legs look in skinny jeans. So society am I an arrogant, big headed, over confident, self centered person because I said what I liked about myself rather than what I hated? Because if I am then, my friends, the world really is a screwed up place." - Charlie Attrill.

I have never read anything more accurate in my entire life. So please guys, instead of talking yourselves down, talk yourself up! What do you like about yourself? What are you good at? What talents do you have?! (if your answer to those 3 questions was 'Nothing, Nothing, None' then please think harder and be nicer to yourself!)

I like my eyes when my eyeliner goes right and as wrong as it is I like the gap between my thighs. I'm good at listening to other people and I'm good at baking (and even better at eating what I've baked). I dont have any amazing talents but I love it when I make people laugh.

Being kind to yourself shouldn't be seen as a bad thing! You are awesome and its okay to treat yourself like you are!  

Who am I?

Am I the 10 year old Lydia who was above average or the 17 year old that's far below?
Am I a hypocrite for preaching recovery when I'm relapsing?
Am I the girl who doesn't eat when she's in public or the girl who'll binge until she can barely move in private?
Am I a victim of sexual assault or am I survivor?
Am I the results I got in my GCSES or am I simply just a 'drop out'?
Am I 'One of the triplets' or am I an individual?
Am I the person who's always helping others, or the person who always needs help?
Am I the self inflicted scars or the scars that have a story behind them?
Am I the girl who trusts in God when things are going okay, or the girl who doubts her beliefs when they're not?
Am I the socially awkward introverted Lydia or the Lydia who is drunk but suddenly extroverted?
Am I the names I call myself, or the names other people call me?
Am I the size of my jeans, the number on the scale, or the reflection I see in the mirror?
Am I the gap between my chunky thighs or the bulge of my stomach?
Am I the tidiness f my bedroom or the messiness of my mind?
Am I the girl who once had hopes for the future or the girl who gave up?
Am I the 800+ friends on facebook, or the 130 followers on twitter?
Am I the energetic Lydia that was always up to something, or the one who now struggles to get out of bed?
Am I the 99% of me that's given up or the 1% that's still fighting?
Am I the Lydia that wants a baby or the Lydia who's unable to have one?
Am I the Lydia that used to try her best at everything, or the Lydia who no longer tries?
I don't know who I am.

I have no idea...

I managed to stumble across THIS post the other day. For those who haven't clicked on the link it's entitled "5 Reasons to date a girl with an eating disorder" and I'm going to respond to the reasons given and possibly add more reasons why you wouldn't want to date a girl with an eating disorder.

"1. Her obsession with her body will improve her overall looks"

I wanted to find an image of a person with anorexia that I could put a link to but that could be triggering. So If you honestly think having an eating disorder improves someones looks then I suggest you put 'Anorexic' into google images. Thinned hair, bones jutting out, a layer of lanugo hair, looking painfully emaciated, mmmm really sexy, right? No thought not.

"2. She costs less money"

This bit is referring to when going out for a meal, maybe it's true, on the other hand if her eating disorder is bulimia or binge eating disorder chances are it could cost you a lot more. And besides, just because you spend less on food doesn't mean she costs less, have you seen the prices of diet pills and laxatives?!

"3. She's fragile and vulnerable"

There is possibly some truth to this. Though i personally wouldn't want to date someone who is emotionally fragile, if you can cope with constant crying and self hatred then go a head find someone fragile. Although on the other hand a lot of the people I know with eating disorders are certainly not vulnerable, they are control freaks and certainly aren't like the girls that the author of that post describes.

"4.Probably has money of her own"

As mentioned in point 2, diet pills and laxatives cost a fortune. As does a gym membership, and binges/binge food can total up to a shocking amount of money. Not everyone with an eating disorder "Comes from money" When I had an eating disorder I was skint, sorry!

"5. She's better in bed"

That's if you can even get her into bed. Loss of libido (sex drive) Is a common side-effect of eating disorders. Insecurities about their body would also be another thing to think about, and the lack of energy from starving/purging. I'm not sure these are what makes somebody 'better in bed'.

Goodbye Cafe!

After 13months volunteering at the community cafe I have finally said goodbye! But looking back on the past year I have learnt a lot. Maybe not as much as everyone else my age who's doing A-levels but none the less, I've still learnt some rather valuable lessons.

While school told me not to judge a book by it's cover it didn't tell me not to judge a person by their exterior. Maybe because at school everyone has to dress and act the same. While at the cafe I came in to contact with a lot of people some of which lived in a council flat, chain smoked, lived off benefits and their personal hygiene wasn't all that hygienic... before I would of probably ran a mile from such people but actually they are lovely. The stories I got to hear about people's lives were fascinating and actually the people were possibly friendlier than some of my acquaintances.

I've also learnt that recovery is an option. A few of the people I came into contact with had recovered from something, whether it was self-injury, drug use, alcoholism or an eating disorder. These people had recovered and if they can, why can't I? It was while at the cafe recovery, for me, became a choice as opposed to a chore. When you're surrounded by so many inspiring and supportive people on a day to day basis instead of being surrounded by the muppets at school it can do wonderful things!

I've learnt a lot about myself to - good and bad! So here some not as important things that i've learnt.... I can eat yellow food. I don't want to become a chef. I am the laziest person on the planet. Given time my confidence grows. People shouldn't scare me as much as they do. School years are not the best years of your life. Most people have 2 sugars in their tea. Curry is actually quite nice.

The most important thing I've learnt is that God works miracles on a daily basis!

This excites me too much.

This isnt even a real post I just want you all to look at THIS because it's very exciting.

Sorry if you thought this was actually a real post (Im not actually sorry).

I'll probably delete this

One of the suggestions I had about my blog is to make it more diary-like. Seeing as I don't know what on earth to post anymore and I'm 99% certain nobody's even interested anymore I've decided to give it ago. I'm not going to go into too much detail about what's going on in my life but I am going to try and put into words how I currently feel. I'm not sure why I'm doing this but maybe it will help some people to understand what goes on in my head.

It really bothers me when people talk about how I'm doing 'nothing' with my life. Its hard to listen to how much of a failure and disappointment you are and its awkward when people ask me what I'm doing with my life and I can just see them judging me for the fact i'm not in education and don't have a real job.

But what they fail to realize is that actually most days getting out of bed is a big deal, and some days if all i do is breathe then that's okay with me because even though I gave up on school and college and trying my best at everything I haven't completely given up on life.

I remember someone telling me once that because I wasn't in education that my life had 'no meaning' and I'm 'not much use to anyone' and even though that might be true it hurts when people point it out. If I had the energy and the right frame of mind to be doing something amazing with my life I would.

I'm not even sure why I'm writing this and i'm not sure if it even makes sense because I'm rubbish at putting my thoughts and feelings into words. So i'll probably delete this but whatever.

(Sorry for the amount of time between posts, and I hope you're all sorry for the lack of suggestions on my last post- kidding, kind of.. ).

HELP!

Dear blog readers,

Firstly I'd like to thank each and everyone of you for helping me reach 2000 page views, I didn't even expect to get 5 let alone 2000! My blog has also been read in 14 different countries how exciting is that! (Actually it's probably not that exciting but I really didn't expect anybody to read my blog). You are all fabulous!!

So here's the thing,  I need you fabulous people to help me. I'm not sure what kind of things my readers would like me to write about and need your suggestions. If there is something you'd like me to touch on please let me know! This could be anything whether it's serious or just a bit of fun.

I've recently had two suggestions, one person saying I don't write in my blog enough and should perhaps make it more diary-like. The other person said "You're blog is crap why would anyone even read it? Why bother with it?" (To which I could only reply- I don't know.)

So wonderful people I'm giving you the opportunity  to tell me what you want to see on my blog! If you haven't already noticed there is an option to 'Comment' on my posts. So if you could please comment (you can do this anonymously) about what you want me to write about or any suggestions of how I can improve my blog. Alternatively if you have me on facebook you can message me on there.

Once again thank-you so much brilliant people!

Yours Sincerely
Lydia x x x

Ps. How awkward/embarrassing would it be if I get no feedback....

I can't even put into words..

This is disgusting. Just like the mental patient costumes this "Anna Rexia" halloween costume is not okay. Anorexia is a mental illness and a very serious one at that.

I saw a post on tumblr once about a person whose family member got diagnosed with cancer and was told he had an 87% chance of recovery.

Only around 46% of anorexics completely recover and as many as 1 in 5 (that's 20%) of anorexia suffers will die prematurely. It is a deadly disease just like cancer is.

I understand that halloween is about dressing up and its just a 'bit of fun' but you wouldn't dress as a person who has a physical illness as opposed to a mental one.

I am actually disgusted. Stick to being witches or whatever it is people dress up as for halloween.

Don't do it!

If you have a friend who is struggling with an eating disorder it can be hard to know how to help them. This means a lot off the time people say or do the wrong thing. Eating disorders are very complicated and i'm still not entirely sure I understand them so how is someone who's never had one before going to understand? They're not.

But here is a list of things NOT to say to someone with an eating disorder (even if they're in recovery). All of these have been said to me and they're certainly not helpful.

"You look healthier" - This will be interpreted as 'You've got fat'

"What have you eaten today?" - This puts us in an awkward position. Chance's are we'll lie and pretend to have eaten a healthy amount to make you happy. On the other hand  we could tell the truth and see how disappointed you are and even worse you might decide to give us a long lecture about things we already know.

"If you think you're fat what does that make me?" - STOP. The way we see ourselves does not affect the way we see anybody else. We see you exactly as you are. Just because we might see ourselves as fat does not mean anybody who weighs more is instantly morbidly obese.

Anything that comments on the amount of food we've consumed. - things like "That's the most i've ever seen you eat" after pointing that out you can almost be certain that the rest of the day will be spent feeling guilty and possibly purging.  Or even "Is that all you're going to eat? That's not enough"  - Sit down and shut up. The fact that we've even eaten anything at all that day could be a major triumph. It makes everything awkward and could even put us off our food completely.

"Why are you doing this to me?" - We aren't. Its as simple as that. Eating disorders aren't some form of revenge we're not trying to get back at someone. We're doing this to ourselves and most of the time we probably aren't sure why.

I did have a long list of things not to say but unsurprisingly i've forgotten them all so this will have to do. I'm going to sleep, goodnight.

Talking to myself.

Recovery isn't easy. Recovery scares me. Recovery makes me hate my body even more. Recovery seems to involve lots of relapses. Recovery means somewhat losing control. Recovery will be worth it.
I always get mad at myself when I have bad days with regards to my disorder. It makes me feel weak, like I'm failing. The same way that 3 spoons of soup made me feel fat. I know the soup won't make me gain 10lbs and I know that even attempting recovery makes me strong. But the disordered thoughts, they aren't real. They just seem like it because they're inside my head. More than 3 spoons of soup will make me fat. If I drink more than 500ml of water I will gain weight. If I eat that I am going to have to hurt myself. If I eat this I'll have to restrict tomorrow. I can eat that but only if I go for a run. Thoughts aren't facts. They're not real, they're disordered. Tomorrow will be better. “Food is something I am going to have to face at least three times a day for the rest of my life. And I am not perfect. But one really bad day does not mean that I am hopeless and back at square one with my eating disorder. Olympic ice skaters fall in their quest for gold. Heisman trophy winners throw interceptions. Professional singers forget the words. And people with eating disorders sometimes slip back into an old pattern. But all of these individuals just pick themselves back up and do the next right thing. The ice skater makes the next jump. The football player throws the next pass. The singer finishes the song. And I am going to eat breakfast” Life Without Ed - Jenni S.

Mental Patient!

If you haven't already seen the Asda, Tesco and Amazon 'Mental patient' halloween costumes then you can view them in the article HERE. If you're not too interested in clicking the link here's a brief summary.

Retailers Asda, Tesco and Amazon advertised their 'Mental Patient' and 'Psycho Ward' Halloween costumes recently. The costumes boast fake blood, meat cleavers, boiler suits, jaw restraints, and you can 'complete the look' with a machete!

Clearly as a 'mental patient' I was shocked by this. Mental illness has enough stigma around it without needing halloween costumes to add to it. So inspired by the responses on twitter I thought i'd show you what a 'mental patient costume' looks like... So as you can see here is a picture of me.

Please note that there is a lack of meat cleavers and machetes, no blood and nothing out of the ordinary. There is on the other hand Jeans and a jumper that's far too big for me. Others posting similar images of themselves on twitter include them wearing, suits, t-shirts, dresses, leggings and well the same clothes a normal person wears! They also aren't holding dangerous objects. And just to clarify if you've never seen us mental patients before we don't actually have blurred faces. Shocking, I know.

We don't wear clothes that show we're mentally ill, we don't go around with warning signs and we don't walk around with meat cleavers. Mental illness doesn't have a certain look to go with it, you can't see them and you certainly can't distinguish a mentally ill person by what they are wearing. Just in case you didn't know that...

Distractions

As promised here are some alternatives to self-harm and/or distractions. I know that some if not all of these may seem like stupid ideas when you have the urge to self-harm but please give them ago even if it just delays the amount of time between getting the urge and giving into the urge. Hopefully some of these you can use as a distraction until the urge goes completely.

Depending on the emotion you're feeling you may want to try different things.
Angry/frustrated
Go for a walk/run/cycle.
Punch pillows (or a sibling) (actually don't punch your siblings)
Kick a football really hard.
Throw ice against a wall, watch it shatter!
Play a sport.
Snap sticks/pencils/whatever.
Just have an urge for 'no reason'
Take a cold bath.
Squeeze ice cubes.
Keep pinging an elastic band on your wrist.
Focus on breathing, notice how your body moves, this is apparently calming,
Feeling Depressed or unhappyDo something relaxing, have a warm bath with lots of bubbles.
Listen to music (Happy music that is) and dance around.
Talk. To anyone about anything.
If you enjoy doing something do it. (playing an instrument, some form of game console thing, anything that makes you somewhat happier)
Other things you could do to distract yourself.Sleep! Read, drink tea, bake something, do some gardening, write your feelings down then tear it up. Some form of exercise, use google translate to try and learn a new language, watch videos of cats on youtube. Visit a friend or relative, watch a film, (finding nemo is good), build a blanket fort. Draw on yourself with pen. Write a poem, draw/paint a picture, Just do something you enjoy doing.

A really important thing to do is TALK. You don't have to struggle on you're own, it is okay to need help and there are people who care about you.

Self injury

Like 90% of my other posts i'm not entirely sure of what I'm trying to say or how to word it. So if you haven't guessed by the title this post is on self injury.

Firstly I'd like to say that people need to stop romanticizing self harm. It's not something that the opposite sex (or the same sex, whatever you're in to) is going to find pretty or poetic or interesting. It is not cute it is not going to make people suddenly fall in love with you and its not 'tragically beautiful'. Boys aren't going to want to kiss every one of your scars when they first see them, don't believe it when you read rubbish like that on tumblr.

Secondly don't go bitching about other peoples injuries. Like seriously I am sick of hearing people say behind a self harmers back 'they don't even look that bad' STOP RIGHT THERE OKAY. Self harm is self harm. Whether deep enough to need stitches or whether it barely scratches the surface. Whether they punch themselves, burn themselves, pull their hair, cut themselves or anything else that hurts it is self harm. Whether they've done it once or a thousand times it is still self harm. Whatever their injury, however deep or 'bad' it is every self-harmer is hurting emotionally. As well as this, Stop saying that they're just 'attention seeking' when most of the time they'll go out of their way to hide the fact they do it. If they have done it for attention its because they NEED the attention. They need help and maybe they're too scared to out-right ask for it. Stop judging them.

Also, stop posting millions of facebook status' about self harm just for likes. It's almost like these people are making it seem like self-harm is an okay thing to do, it's not. Im not saying its wrong to self-harm im saying that there is better ways to deal with your emotions and people need to promote those rather than promote self-harm. Self harm is serious not some romantic, cute, clever thing. Not something to post about on facebook when you want likes on a status please bare in mind that some people may find posts like these triggering!

I'll post soon on alternatives to self-harm which will hopefully help anyone struggling rather than glamorizing self-injury like the rest of you. Sorry if this makes no sense but I needed to rant, byeeeeee.

 - To all the people who do self-harm, I honestly hope that you'll find an alternative way to deal with whatever you're going through. Please surround yourself with people who are willing to support you through this period of time (People who you feel you can give blades to, people you can talk to when you have urges). It also might be worth looking at THIS website, it has self help guides for self injury and other mental illnesses. Also please remember to look after your wounds - keeping them clean to avoid infections. If you accidentally cut too deep or something please go to A&E to get the appropriate treatment.  If you have me on facebook please dont hesitate to message me in times of struggle. 

Slow and steady wins the race?

I am typing this only with my left hand. It's taking a long time and is really difficult because this is not what I am used to. If I don't go slow I press the wrong letters and sentences end up like
"woo im sp fast at typung with my lrft hand... that actuakky wrnt better thab expected"
You cant even see the fact that I am struggling but I am. I'm gettinng better at it but it still doesn't feel normal. My right hand is dying to take over and be like "Yo dude, I got this, I can make this easier" because that is what It's always done. But I am determined to finish this paragraph using only my left hand. It's taken me a long time to do what is a 'simple' task because I have to concentrate to make sure I do not mess up. But i have done it.

That is what recovery is like. I have to go very slowly and sometimes I mess up. Nobody else can see how much of a struggle certain things are and my old habits are dying to take over just like my right hand was dying to take over the typing.  Although it may seem simple "Just eat/Just be happy/Just do this and that and the other" In reality it's not as simple as it may sound. It's very time consuming and isn't what I am used to.
I am going slowly but just like rushing the typing if i try to rush recovery I will just end up making a mess out of things.  So if the whole world can bare with me while my concentration is else where that would be much appreciated.

I'm not sure if this even makes sense, i hope it does otherwise i've wasted a lot of time on this post.  I'd also like to apologize for that lack of posts, I am ever so sorry! I promise not to dessert you for this long ever again!

(This is a pathetic excuse of a post but there is no otherway I can think of to describe whats going on in my life at the moment)

What would you do if you weren't afraid?

Drop out of school and move to a third world country to help the poor. 

Runaway and become an actress.

Speak out about my past struggles with self injury and eating disorders instead of being embarrassed.

Jump out of a plane.

Bungee Jump.

Talk to people, like, about serious stuff.

Go out in public without looking down.

Go on a Plane or a boat.

Climb a mountain, I'd love to climb a mountain but I have a huge fear of falling.

Go out in a dress, shorts or a skirt but I hate my body so much.

Go in a hot air balloon, sky dive, run away with the circus.
Travel the world.

Write a book about my struggles in order to help others.

Move away and start completely new, stop being surrounded by people who make me feel worthless and be surrounded by nature and happiness.

Recover.

Everything I've wanted to do.

Become who I wanted to be without having to be scared of hurting people.

I'd do what I could to make everything better. Make life better, get rid of other peoples fears. Make sure all my friends are well.

Be myself instead of trying to be what society wants.

Make a difference to other peoples lives.

Eat what I want when I want with out having to feel guilty.

Meet new people who treat me the way I deserve to be treated.

Leave this place on the little bit of money I have a break free from all the stuff I deal with.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

(Thankyou everyone who gave me their answers!)

Birthday Blog!

After spending the past few months dreading being 17 its finally here. I remember once sitting with someone when things were at my worst and I was at my lowest weight and them asking "What do you want to do when you leave school?" I replied with "I wont live that long" and at the time I meant it.

I was convinced that I would not live past 16 and wasn't coping with the thought of being 17. 17 is old and I don't really think i'll get anywhere in life and blah blah blah. Today was supposed to be a hard day and in someways it was. The early hours were spent telling someone I care about that suicide wasn't the answer to their problems.

I hate birthdays but this one although off to a rough start has been quite alright. It always shocks me when people say nice things to me on my birthday, like hello, why? Im such a gimp guys. But it is actually amazing how the small kind comments make a big difference 'To the BEST neighbour in the WORLD and a lovely person to be around' 'To our lovely Lydia' 'Happy birthday brownie , you may be only 17 and im ----, but you are one amazing friend xxx' 'you've gotten through another year and i'm so proud of you... Thankyou for being a brilliant friend' ''I hope you have the most wondefullest birthday my dearest, you deserve it more than anyone I know '

AND the most exciting bit about today? The fact that i have a wonderful friend who threw me a wonderful surprise party thing and Jilly you are brilliant and I can't thank you enough. I am so touched by today and thank you everyone who made today bearable like I can't even put into words right now how much peoples kind words and actions mean to me. 

And guess what.... I made it to 17! Hoorah (I think) even though that means im an adult next year so should probably think about doing something with me life, but i'll panic about that in something like 330days.. Once again thankyou brilliant people, especially you Mrs Walker!!! It means sooo sooo soooo much xxxxxxxxxxxxx
 
(And thankyou everyone for the presents/cards/messages. You're all fab)
((Note to self: Diet starts tomorrow, birthdays are rubbish reasons to binge))

Just keep swimming.

With in the past week two friends-of-friends have committed suicide. A tragic loss to those who knew them. Lives which have been ended long before they were supposed to. Now this post will not be easy to write so please forgive me if this makes no sense at all. But if you or anyone you know is suicidal please read this.

If you're feeling suicidal then you're feeling as bad as possibly gets and it's hard. You think there is no alternative but to end your life. You're wrong though. There is ways to get through it, ways to help you cope, you have to believe me. I promise you that you will not always feel like this. Suicide stops the horrible feelings yes, but it also stops the good feelings, forever. Feelings of love, hope, happiness, pride.

Suicide is the permanent solution to a temporary problem. I encourage any of you who feel like this to start talking. Whether to a doctor, teacher, friend, family member, whoever it is there will be somebody willing to listen, somebody who will try to help you. Talking will get you the support that you need.

Whoever you are, whatever you are going through you were put on this planet for a reason, you might not know what that reason is, but please stick around to find out. Please just give yourself a chance to have an amazing future and see where life takes you.

I promise you won't always feel this bad. Try and distract yourself from these thoughts, go see friends, watch a movie, have a nap, go for a run, anything. Fill your time so you can't think too much. Whatever you do don't just sit and think about everything. Remember that every action has a consequence, so many people will be devastated by the loss of your life.

Suicide doesn't doesn't just end the chances of life getting worse, it eliminates the possibility of it ever getting better.
HELPLINE NUMBERS - 24 hour support.

Samaritans: 08457 909090
Child line: 0800 1111
NHS Direct:  0845 4647
(Please pick up the phone and talk to someone who can help, before it's too late)


"If you're reading this, congratulations you're alive. If that's not something to smile about I don't know what is" 

Here I go again...

I always moan when people do not understand mental illness, I've always thought it was ignorant and wanted to punch all the ignorant people in the face. I've wanted to scream and shout what it feels like to be depressed but at the same time I didn't want to be judged. I wanted them to be supportive when I opened up about my struggles, but instead I had ignorant comments coming from all directions and sometimes still do. In fact my twitter feed is currently full of them.

People always said to me "Just eat" (as if I didn't think of that...) or "You don't look depressed though" (Sorry I forgot to bring my dark rain cloud that literally hovers above my head with me today...) and even "Its your life, you chose to be this way" (As if anyone would chooose being miserable over happy). Some of you probably still think this way, some of you probably think that actually mental illness isn't that big a deal. But I'm done with being angry at people who lack understanding.

If you don't understand mental illness, I am happy for you, honestly I am. You shouldn't have to understand. If you don't understand what it's like to struggle to get out of bed each day I hope you jump out of bed everyday with a smile on your face ready to face the day. If you don't understand why people with eating disorders can't "Just eat" I hope you enjoy every single piece of food that passes your lips and that you don't instantly feel guilty for eating it.

If you do not understand how a person can purposely harm themselves then I am glad, I hope you're never that desperate to feel something. If you don't understand why somebody would want to give up their place on this earth then I hope you never feel so hopeless and desperate for relief that suicide seems like the only answer. If you don't understand why someone can't just go to rehab or to church or to see the doctor or turn to a friend then I hope you always have somewhere to go or something/someone to turn to. Because when you're depressed it's different.

If you don't understand mental illness, good. You aren't supposed to. Thank God for ignorance.

Unpopular opinion

Dear people of Leamington,

Stop with the horrible facebook pages before somebody hurts themselves or someone else because of it. I do not care what these people you're 'naming and shaming' have done. They are humans, they will make mistakes. I don't care if whats being said is lies to get at somebody you don't like, you don't have to get on with everyone. But it is not now and nor has it ever been acceptable publicly humiliate and slate these people.

I have 48 mutual friends with one of these pages, and regardless as to who those 48 people are I honestly have lost respect for you. I don't care if you haven't sent in a bitchy comment and are just on it for the 'entertainment' because since when is seeing other people being targeted at entertaining? If you've sent one in(not that you'll admit it) then I've lost even more respect for you, it is bullying and it's disgusting. If you've liked a status these pages have put then you are honestly just as bad, liking the fact that someone's being treated that way is quite frankly appalling.

It is not acceptable to go around treating other people like dirt regardless of who they are or what they've done. They are humans and they have feelings. Just because they've supposedly done something doesn't mean that what you say is not going to hurt them. Because words do hurt, and being publicly humiliated just makes it worse.

In the next 24 hours around 1429  teenagers will attempt suicide. Don't let that number increase due to facebook pages that find it socially acceptable to bully people for likes on a stupid status.

I'm done ranting, because I know that a lot of you aren't even phased about how someone might react to seeing their name on these pages because you all think it's hilarious. byeeeeeeeeeee

Trigger warning: Victim blaming.

Imagine a girl has gone for a few drinks in town, she's wearing heals and a tight dress that barley covers her boobs or bum. She's drunk to the point where she hasn't a clue what she's doing. Someone offers to walk her home it's 3am, she's alone so she takes that person up on their offer. Maybe this girl passes out, maybe not. But he has sex with her, non-consented sex.  Perhaps because she's passed out, perhaps because she's too drunk to physically say no. Perhaps because he thought because of what she was wearing that's okay. It's not, that is rape. (I'm not just talking about rape, any form of sexual assault is included)

Far too often victims are blamed for their assaults. 'She was drunk/ well if you wore more clothes you'd be fine/ she's slept with X amount of other people so it's okay/ she didn't say no (but was passed out on a bench)' We live in a society filled with people who try to teach woman not to get assault instead of teaching men not to assault*.

One of the arguments that girls ask for rape /sexual assault is because of the clothes they wear (Shorts, skirts, dresses, low cut tops) Females shouldn't be expected to change the way they dress because its more convenient for a rapists lack of control. In fact when I was assaulted I was wearing my school uniform, tell me now I was 'asking' for it?

There shouldn't be so much victim blaming when somebody is assaulted. It's like telling a wealthy man who gets mugged that he was basically asking for it because he was wearing a suit and gives to charity so it was obvious he likes just 'giving it away' and maybe he shouldn't of been on his own in the town where he's lived his whole life and no, just no. You wouldn't blame victims of other crimes.

No means no, not saying anything means no, not now means no. The only thing that means yes is yes. Alcohol doesn't mean consent. Clothes doesn't mean consent. Not saying no, but not saying yes either does not mean consent.

Anyway this is the end of my half asleep 2.30am rant that probably makes no sense whatsoever, goodnight x
*I know men get assaulted to

I hate the word fat.

We live in a society that promotes skinny. A society that fat shames. A society that cares so much about looks that nobody cares about the inside anymore. Young girls and boys are being told that if they don't look a certain way that they do not fit in. Except nobody realizes that if our definition of beautiful got any smaller nobody would fit, not even the size 0 girls, sorry!

Every where we look weightloss is the focus and fat is perceived as ugly, lazy, unhealthy, greedy... TV adverts tell us if we take this diet pill, or do this exercise or join this group or follow this diet we will lose weight and be happy. But skinny does not mean happy. Skinny is not a cure for the underlying issues. Having  skinny parading in front of us in the form of mannequins, models and actors/actresses in our favorite program just is not okay.

Poking fun at 'fat' people is almost second nature now and it needs to stop. Just because someone is not below a size 12 doesn't mean they aren't human. Whatever size a person is they have feelings, needs, wants, hopes and dreams just like everybody else. Why should it matter what size someone is, beauty doesn't need to be defined by the size of someones jeans, the size of someones waist shouldn't affect their worth. The number on the scales does not measure how wonderful a person is! The outside isn't even important so why does everyone care so much about how they look as well as how everyone else looks.

In the olden days (My history is terrible) being larger was a good thing, it showed you had wealth or something like that. Not too many years ago size 0 didn't exist and Marilyn Monroe was considered a beautiful model. These days she would be considered as 'plus size'. People wonder why so many girls have eating disorders, they weren't born hating their bodies though, they were taught how to. We taught them that skinny is beautiful, strong, the key to success. Skinny means having great friends, a boyfriend, and an end to all our problems.

Skinny is beautiful, but you know what? So is fat, so is average, curvy, tall, short, freckles, blonde hair, ginger hair, brown hair, white skin, black skin and everything in-between-skin, blue eyes, green eyes, brown eyes, short hair, long hair, no hair, wide thighs, thigh gaps, big feet, small feet (Actually, as a general rule feet are vile). Contact lenses, glasses, slanty eyes, normal eyes, wang eyes, curly hair, straight hair, skinny arms, muscly arms, big arms, small tummies, wide tummies. Whatever you look like, whatever you weigh, you are beautiful, society is the ugly one.

Bikini body!

In England we've had four consecutive days of sun, which is quite frankly a miracle. So as summer is approaching and people will soon be jetting off on holiday I've heard a lot of talk about getting a 'Summer body / Bikini body' So here is my post on how to get a Bikini body (I know what you're thinking, how can a fat person even do a post on that....)

Honestly, there is minimum effort required to get the perfect bikini body, you might think dieting and exercise are a massive part of that but really they're not! There's two even simpler steps:

     1. Buy a Bikini
     2. Wear it

See how easy that is? You don't have to be size 0 to wear a bikini, you don't have to be size 8 either, you can be size 20 for all I care if you want to wear a bikini wear a bikini. Every person should love their body regardless as to what shape they're in. If they're comfortable in a bikini let them wear it - why? Because self acceptance is more valuable than the dress size you're in. Self acceptance is more valuable than having a flat stomach.

Being beautiful doesn't mean having to skip meals, eat too many salads, or exercise for hours at a time. Being beautiful means to be yourself - if you want to have a Mcdonalds just have a Mcdonalds. You don't need to be accepted by other people you just need to accept yourself. So if you want to wear a bikini, just wear one.  You do not need anyone else's approval!

"There is nothing wrong with your body, but there is a lot wrong with the messages that try to convince you otherwise. "

F.R.I.E.N.D.S

I'm going to include as many songs in this post as possible.. So there will be a link attacked to certain words that relate to certain songs.. (so click on the pink words and judge my choice in song) because the friend this is aimed at will understand why i've done that.

So if you haven't guessed this post is about friends (or a friend).. Not as in the hilarious TV program but as in the hilarious person (Or people, haven't decided which yet). Now I have a handful of wonderful friends and while I love each of them dearly I've never really had a friend who's so similar to me it's scary, because i'm a slight bit odd.

I have a hard time making friends, My nursery report spoke about how I preferred to speak to the adults rather than people my own age and my year2 report mentioned how I'd struggled to make friends due to my lack of confidence. I spent a lot of time with the lunchtime supervisors as opposed to people my own age (Dot was my fave, she got me birthday presents - sorry st.pauls kids if i'm making you jealous). To this day i'd sooner have conversation with older people than people my own age, perhaps that's just a little bit weird. I'm not even classed as a friend most the time because of the age gaps. I'm kind of just there (well that's what I thought anyway...Familyfriend/girlfromchurch/whatever)

Until this was said to me "I asked God for a friend, and well, I didn't expect them to be so young". Well something along those lines anyway. God can work in mysterious ways, i'm not saying I am an answer to prayer or whatever, but I do believe God has a lot to do with us being friends. Turns out we have been through or are still going through some of the same things, its quite scary really. With out realizing until now she's actually an answer to my prayers too.

It's really hard to find a friend who understands, who you can trust, who gets your sense of humor (instead of getting offended, oooooops). But also who you can understand and who hopefully trusts you as well but lucky for me Gods gifted me with that friend, hooray! So, thankyou Lord. But also thankyou, person, for everything you've done for me without even realizing, just thanks for everything! You're amazing and its about time you realized that. I was about to type something then realized I couldn't because it would be obvious as to who you are, so i'm going off now before I give it away.

One last note to say... You're wonderful, okay? Glad you agree. No homo xoxox
(And for all you friendless people out there, God's pretty good, maybe if you pray to him he'll give you a friend like mine...obviously not quite as wonderful though. (in fact Gods a pretty amazing friend as well)) 

My little chindian

To my dearest darling Chloe,

This post is dedicated to you because you've asked so many times that's actually annoying. But considering I promised I guess I owe you that much and a lot more because you're just so fab.

To any readers who are thinking who is Chloe? well I'll tell you! Chloe is a 5 foot tall girl with close to 400 freckles on her face and as beautiful as she is on the outside she's even prettier on the inside. Chloe has a heart of gold, most of the time ;) and she listens to me moan about life at 3 in the morning and no matter how many times I go on and on about the same rubbish she still doesn't tell me to shut up.

So Chloe, this post is kind of a thank-you. A thank you for being one of the few people I can trust, a thank you for sending me raps and pictures of spud a thank you for everything you've done for me with out realizing it. You are an absolute gem and I don't know where I would be without you to be honest. I honestly hope that one day you'll be super happy and that I can help you as much as you've helped me.

You're amazing Miss Mehta and I sincerely hope that you'll realize that one day as well as realizing how beautiful you are. So, 3 cheers to you, mate just for being you!

Hip hip, hooray!
Hip hip, hooray!
Hip hip, hooray!

Procrastination

I should be doing my college work, but it's too hard and i'm too dumb. So instead i'm playing candy crush, listening to this and writing a blog post because of an ignorant tweet. If this makes the slightest bit of sense then that's wonderful

But here is my wonderful rant about a tweet a saw saying "I wish I was anorexic", I'm assuming they mean they wish they were skinny. Anorexic isn't a synonym for skinny, is that clear? Eating disorders come in one size, and it isn't skinny. It's miserable. Whether you fit into size 0 jeans or size 30 jeans you will be miserable and that is guaranteed.

Anorexia isn't all rainbows and butterflies it isn't all thighgaps, hip bones and male attention. Anorexia isn't a magical cure for all your problems, anorexia isn't beautiful or glamorous or something to strive towards. So why oh why would you wish a mental illness upon yourself, a mental illness in which 1 in 5 sufferers will die prematurely. Anorexia isn't the definition of skinny, happy and beautiful. Anorexia isn't having a bikini body, feeling comfortable in your own skin or the latest in-fashion accessory.

Anorexia is, on the other hand, clumps of hair falling out while lanugo hair grows on your face and arms. It is never being good enough for yourself. It is skipping meals and lying to those closest to you. It's shivering in the middle of summer because your body cant keep you warm. It's hating your body, stepping on scales that weigh your self-worth. It's nights spent crying because you ate more than 100 calories. It's family members and friends stood watching feeling helpless as you dig yourself an early grave with your own knife and fork. It's thinking about food 24/7 but not having the courage to eat it.  It's infertility, malnutrition, heart failure, death.

Wishing an eating disorder upon yourself is stupid, rant over.

Reflections

It's been almost a year since I left school and it's scary how quick it's gone. It doesn't seem like 12 months since I was sat with Holly in science talking about Mrs Byrnes tights or something stupid like that. Anyway that's not the point. They say school years are the best years of your life, now after spending many months out of education I can easily say for me personally that isn't true.

I remember by the end of august thinking ''Crap, everyone else starts sixth form or college in a couple of week's time and here I am with out a plan''. And in some senses, I still don't have a plan. I struggled a lot and people made jokes about how I was being 'a bum' or 'a dosser' and I guess they were right. I had all that time to decide what I wanted to do (Okay, I did have a few hiccups along the way that made things harder) But I was willing to just sit at home instead and that's exactly what I did while all my peers did something with their lives.

While I loved staying in bed every single day while everyone else sat in boring lessons it also became lonely. I didn't speak to anyone or even leave the house much and my depression got worse. Anyway that's a whole different story, by the beginning of October I was volunteering in a community cafe. It was one day a week, which wasn't too bad because I still had six lie-ins but I hated it, I hated being with people, I hated strangers, I hated being anywhere that wasn't my bed. But unlike everything else i've done in my life, this i didn't just give up with after the first few weeks.

I didn't really notice until people mentioned but I've come so far from being the girl who stood in the cafe kitchen without making conversation, who wanted so badly to be anywhere but there. I actually enjoy being at the cafe now and I'd never of expected to have stuck it out this long (I honestly believe God has a lot to do with all of this). I've met wonderful people and achieved things I'd never in a million years thought that I would achieve. Things that even other people wouldn't expect me to have done.

So basically to conclude, school years aren't always the best years of your life. The end.

Caution: Mental Illness.

Why is mental health something that very few people seem able to talk about? There's more people with mental illness than there is with dandruff. I know a staggering amount of people with various mental illnesses who don't talk about it and struggle on their own. But why?

I'm well aware it's not the easiest subject to bring up, I know for me personally when my mind is screaming loudly my mouth falls silent. Why are we too ashamed to speak up when we are down? It isn't just the suffers who struggle to find the words though. It's the friends, family, colleagues of the person who also don't talk about it. - Ignoring that there is a problem, hoping someone else will help them, afraid to ask them how they are. But why?

Why is it if a person has the flu they'll gladly write a facebook status about how many times they've been sick and boast about the 6 boxes of tissues they've used in just one day. Or when a person breaks an arm it's covered in a brightly coloured cast that just screams 'Look at me!' and then they proclaim to all their friends "Sign my cast!". They aren't afraid to let someone know whats wrong with them, in some cases down to the most disgusting details.

So why is mental illness different? Now I'm not suggesting for a second that a self harmer should post a facebook status when they have the urge to hurt themselves or that a person with OCD should boast about the amount of time's they've washed their hands. But should they not be able to talk about it when they want, to who they want with out fearing judgement or ignorance?

Disordered Behavior

Shortly I will be going out for a family meal. I'm not one for sitting round a table eating dinner and making conversation, I'm not one for eating in public either. But today I will be doing both. I have several fears and disordered thoughts when it comes to eating at a restaurant. I think I'd sooner go to mcdonalds and that's saying something.

I developed some rules and rituals during my eating disorder that the majority I still stick to and probably will for forever, well until I am fully recovered. This is why eating meals out is hard.

I have a certain plate that I eat off, nobody else is allowed to eat using it. This behavior started when I was struggling the most, I was scared if somebody else used that plate the fat/calories in what they ate would some how magically stick to the plate (weird, I know). While I have a healthier mind-set now I know that the fat/calories will not stick to the plate but I still only eat from that plate. Going to a restaurant means I can't eat off my peppa pig plate and have to eat from one which has probably been used thousands of times, scary!

Then there is the fact I like to use certain cutlery. This is more because I don't know who's mouth that fork or spoon has been in, I don't know what food that knife has touched and it might not have been washed properly and I'll be getting somebody elses germs... This is the same with glasses, I don't know who's gob has touched it, but this can easily be solved with straws, thankfully.

Then there's the whole sitting together thing, this usually goes one of two ways. The first example happened recently at a party. People either make a big deal out of the fact I am eating "Well done you!" "Nice to see you eating" "Is that it?" - stop being patronizing before I stab you with my knife and fork, let me just get on with it without feeling like everyone's concentrating on me or you will put me off my food.  Or they sit and silently judge me, neither one is brilliant. I guess sometimes neither happens (This is usually when I'm being moody and rude to everyone else, ooops)

The only good thing about going out for a meal is the hilarious combinations people put in their salad bowls - seriously, Onion and pineapple in the same bowl, with salad cream on top? ew.

Well this is my completely useless post for the day, just a little insight to how weird I am. Fingers crossed you'll get a more interesting post next time! Ciao! xxxx

Jumbled thoughts

I feel like i've neglected my blog and it's readers. But my mind is all over the place and writing a half-decent post is proving impossible. It's been a rough couple of weeks but I am muddling through with the help of some wonderful people (You know who you are and I can't thank you enough).

It has been pointed out to me recently how far I've come and I hadn't actually noticed. I know that i'm still struggling a lot the past couple of weeks especially, but I know that I've been here before and will make it through. (Saying this, i just tried to list areas in which i'd come far and could only think of 1 that I'm actually happy with).

I wish I could explain how I feel, but mental illness is a funny thing and I don't even know how I feel. I know that I want to push everybody away but at the same time I don't want to be alone. I want to scream but at the same time I want to be silent. I want a hug but don't want to be touched. I want food and lots of it but I don't want to get fat. I want to have control but at the same time I want to give God control.

I don't even know why I am writing this, I don't even know why I have a blog. I don't know anything.

The only thing I do know is, when it comes to life, it goes on. This will all pass. I hope.

Does my bum look big in this?

"You're going to be in your own skin until you die, that's a while. You might as well get comfortable in it"

Comfortable in my skin is something I'm certainly not and something I can't imagine being. I constantly worry about how I look and how other people see me - doesmybumlookbiginthis? IbettheythinkIhavegainedweight. IjustknowtheythinkthatIlookweird. Theymustthinkimreallyugly.


There is a lot of things that they might notice, like the fact: I have a massive forehead, nose and chin. My eyes are too small, cheeks are too chubby and my lips are a weird shape. I don't have a flat stomach and I don't have a thigh gap. My ears aren't identical, I have boat feet, broad shoulders, fat thighs, flabby arms and wide hips. My eyeliner isn't symmetrical, skin isn't clear and my hair isn't in great condition. Too name just a few...

None of this should matter though. I could be as beautiful as Kim Kardashian or the Olsen twins but that wouldn't mean anything in 20 years time when I have wrinkles and grey hair. It's what's on the inside that counts and no amount of make-up or botox can make you a nice person.

As nice as it would be to be a walking barbie doll, I am not. But I like to think i'm a nice person (certainly not all the time though, i don't understand how God can love everyone all the time, people are annoying!) and that's all that matters in the long run. I'd rather be ugly but a nice person than a pretty person with an ugly personality..

"Man looks on the outside, God looks (clap clap) on the heart"

Weed.

I am drowning, metaphorically speaking obviously.. because my laptop isn't waterproof. I am drowning in a sea of negativity, self hatred and lack of control. (It's okay though, my life guard walks on water)

I want to make a happy post about how things get better, how that actually life is going great and everything is just perfect but then I would be a liar. I want to encourage others who are struggling that they should not give up and that things will get better but how can I say such things when I'm still drowning? How can I say things get better when in reality I'm not sure they do?

My problem is that I focus on the negatives and I know i'm not alone in this. It's easier to think about all the bad things that have happened than the good. I got given a story once, it was about a king or something who sent two of his servants round the palace gardens. The first was told to look for the weeds, the second was told to look for the flowers. When the first one returned he spoke about the ugly weeds that covered the gardens and made them look horrible. When the Second returned he talked about how beautiful the flowers were and how pretty the gardens looked. The message was something like... If you look for weeds (negative things) you are sure to find them, so start looking for the flowers (the positives) and you'll see how beautiful life can be.

While I haven't searched for the weeds I certainly haven't searched for flowers either. I find looking at the positives almost impossible. I could write a whole blog post on why today my mind is filled with weeds, but focusing on them definitely will not make flowers appear. Change your thoughts and you can change your life.

"Everyday might not be good but there's something good in every day"Today might have been a bad day but the fact I didn't do any washing up at the cafe is good (that's the best I could come up with but I did it! - Your turn)

Trust

I want to write a wonderfully meaningful blog post, but I can't. I want to write a post that at least helps or inspires one person, but I can't. I am mentally exhausted and want to hibernate, but I can't.

But what I can do is write a quote that I just read on pinterest and make it nice and colourful.

"Whatever is worrying you right now,
Forget about it.
Take a deep breath.
And trust in God."

And that is exactly what I need to do. I need to stop worrying and trust in God.

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding" - Proverbs 3:5

(Normal blogging will resume when my brain is in a normal state)

Sunday Secrets, forgiving and forgetting.

If you haven't heard of postsecret click HERE ... If you can't be bothered to click there (because I know I would be too lazy to) then basically  "PostSecret is an ongoing community art project where people mail in their secrets anonymously on one side of a homemade postcard." The website gets updated with a new load of secrets every sunday. One of todays secrets was "I forgive my bully, you can too" So i'm going to touch on this slightly.. You could even say that this sunday I'm telling you a secret. 

I recently had a conversation with somebody (at least I think I did, although I can't remember who, I was probably just talking to myself..) about how sometimes you just have to forgive an apology you never received. It doesn't matter what circumstance, or what somebodies done if they don't want to apologize they wont. If you're getting hung up on the fact they haven't apologized then it's only going to affect you, not them.

Forgive and forget.
For me personally forgiving an apology I never have and never will receive has been life changing. Just like it probably has been for the person who sent in that secret. When I was 10 I was sexually assaulted. The thought of it consumed my every day life. I wouldn't let anybody touch me, in case they hurt me, I was scared. Why? Because every time somebody touched me I assumed they were going to do the same. I hadn't forgiven him so I couldn't move on.

"For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you." - Matthew 6:14. Now, I am not going to pretend that this made me forgive him, but it was time to move on and this verse certainly helped. I have forgiven him and others who have done me wrong and it has changed my life. I finally know how much a hug can improve my mood rather than panicking and crying every time somebody did as much as even tap me on the shoulder.
But on the other hand forgetting is something that I know that I and a lot of my friends can not do. How can you simply forget something that has impacted your life in such a big way? You can't! The only bad things you should be expected to forget are those bad jokes you get in a cracker at christmas. You can forgive though.
Stop letting those who have hurt you control so much of your life. Whether you're forgiving your husband, mother, brother, abuser, friend, whoever it is and whatever they've done it isn't easy but it's worth it. “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times? “Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.” - Matthew 18:21-22
(I'm still not sure how to end these posts so sorry if it always seem's like I just stop talking, quote something then shut up)

Words are powerful.

" Though sticks and stones inflict great pain their hurt will fade away but just one sharp and biting word brings harm that's here to stay. Our words are powerful with them we can build up and encourage or we can tear down and destroy."

I think people don't realize how much their words can impact someone. It might seem like 'banter' to you, but to the person receiving it, it might not be. You might think you're being funny when you say these things but actually the words you say can, in some cases impact a persons life.

With words you can; crush dreams, build hope, make someone smile, make them cry, make them think, encourage, discourage, comfort, compliment, create stories and lies. Words can change lives.

I'm watching 'Finding Nemo' and in this film Marlin (the father fish) constantly tells Nemo (his son) that he can't do things. "You think you can do these things but you just can't Nemo!" Harmless words it might seem, yet Nemo believes them. In a different scene Nemo tells another fish "I can't! I have a bad fin" without even trying.
Nemo has been told he can't do things so he believe's it. - Do you see the point i'm trying to make?
If Marlin built up his sons confidence, instead of tearing it down, Nemo might of believed in himself (Yes I did just write about fictional fish. (i've watched the film 15 times in 3 days, go watch it guys))

Words are powerful. If you call someone fat and they believe you, they could starve themselves to prove you wrong. If you tell someone who's already suicidal to kill themselves, there is a chance they will. If you tell someone they won't be able to do something, they won't even attempt it. If you call someone fat, ugly, useless, worthless or stupid it will hurt them..

I'm not going to pretend I don't hurt people with my words. In fact, I never think before I speak and I'm always finding myself apologizing for cruel words I've said in the heat of the moment. Words that I don't even mean, its something that I need to work on and I'm assuming a lot of other people do to.

Words are powerful, use them wisely. Build up and encourage.

Take a second to think about this...
THINK before you speak. "Is it True, Helpful, Inspiring, Necessary Kind?  

Bad body image

If you haven't experienced or heard somebody talk about a 'Fat day' then you must have been hiding under a rock. Women get them regularly, probably more regularly than they get periods (sorry)! So what is it that we can do to improve our body image, or to at least look after ourselves on these days?

Remember that feeling fat and being fat are two different things.
Your body doesn't actually look any different to what it did yesterday and you haven't really gained a stone overnight.  So it must be something psychological, what is it you're really feeling but projecting onto your body? Are you scared, nervous, anxious, lonely, feeling inadequate in comparison to someone else?

Each day say out loud something you like about yourself.
It doesn't matter what it is, just do it! Look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself how awesome you are. Remind yourself how much you like your eyes or hair colour or anything - Just focus on the positives!

Do not compare yourself to anyone.
She might be a dress size smaller than you and his IQ might be higher than yours but that doesn't matter. Wishing you were like somebody else will just make you feel worse, wanting to be someone else is a waste of the amazing person you are! And, actually, the person you compare yourself too might not be any happier than you are.

Surround yourself with people who support you and make you feel good.
That one explains itself really, it isn't much use hanging around with people who make you feel rubbish.

Treat yourself how you would treat your best friend.
We are our own worst enemies, think how you would respond if it was a friend feeling this way. You wouldn't tell them not to eat for the day. You wouldn't say negative things to them and you certainly wouldn't punish them for the way they look. - start treating yourself as if you're a friend!

Be kind to yourself.
Do something nice for yourself, give yourself a manicure. Have a nice long bath. Go for a coffee with a friend. Treat yourself to something (shoes are always good). Whatever it might be if it stops you from doing something self destructive then do it. Even if you don't think you deserve it i'm telling that you do and i'm always right...

Its gone 1am so I guess i'll stop there. Remember YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL.

"How beautiful you are, my love; how perfect you are" Song of Solomon 4:7

I did it!

Now I know i've mentioned recovery and mental illness in my blog. So maybe its about time that mention that I am a recovering anorexic. Before you think I'm attention seeking by saying this, firstly go and read my previous post 'Silence speaks louder than words'. Secondly, I'm sick of eating disorders being such a misunderstood thing and people talking about their struggles is on the only way to change that.

Today, for the first time in what seems like forever, I ate in front of strangers. I haven't sat down at a table full of people to eat in so long. That alone would of been a big achievement, let alone with strangers too! I know, to some of you that may not seem like a big deal but eating in front of people always has been one of my biggest struggles when it comes to recovery.

While we sat round the table the conversation somehow turned to eating disorders, that was a little bit awkward. Especially when I was questioned as to whether I have an eating disorder or not. It was interesting to hear peoples perspectives on them though. - I think i'm going to post more about eating disorders in the future, to give other people and even myself a better understanding of them, watch this space!

This post is pretty meaningless and I'm sorry for wasting your time but I am proud of myself, its a rare feeling, so I thought I'd share.

Thank you for reading and sorry for the pointless post.
xxxx


Ps just a quick note to say that...Easter, contrary to popular belief, is not about chocolate. (If you had chocolate for breakfast I am judging you). It's so much more, Jesus is alive!

Recovery is hard

Now i'm not sure how many people who read this are in recovery from a mental illness or an addiction. If you are, I wish you the best of luck. If not, let me tell you that recovering from something psychological isn't as easy as recovering from a broken arm. With a broken arm it's simple, put in plaster, wait, fixed!

With a mental illness it's different. It isn't a matter of being wrapped up then waiting. Its a case of having to push yourself and it's hard. Every single day is a struggle, whether it's battling the urge to drown your emotions with a bottle of vodka, avoiding the temptation to put a razor to your skin or even forcing yourself to eat and keep it down. It is not a walk in the park.

Recovery is hard and it's far too easy to give up and relapse.
If you're recovering and feel like throwing in the towel, think for a minute. If you are pushing a broken-down car up a hill and you slip a little, do you let it roll to the bottom knowing that you'll have to start again? Or do you carry on pushing knowing that, as hard as it is, you don't want to start over?

I personally like to think i'm one of the people who keep pushing, whether i'm inches from the top and slip half way back down or whether i'm half way up and fall inches from the bottom. I do not want to reach the lowest point.

Recovery is an uphill battle and remember that even if you climb two steps up and fall one step back you're still higher than you were to begin with, you don't need to roll back to the bottom,you can carry on pushing. As hard as it might be it's even harder to start all over again.

Whoever you are, what ever you're recovering from, keep on fighting. I promise you it will be worth it.


"The moment you decide you want freedom more than your disorder, recovery becomes possible"

Silence speaks louder than words?

When babies are born they cry, It's a sign that they are healthy. They cry when they're hungry, cold, need changing, whatever. As they grow up into toddlers they aren't afraid to tell you when they're hurting, what they are feeling and why. When a small child needs help, they raise their voice, they want to be heard.

So, why, as we grow older does that change? What suddenly made the cry for help become a whisper?

We changed it. With our cruel words, selfishness and judgmental ways. Nobody feels able to open up in fear of rejection, in case their problems are dismissed as 'Attention seeking'. People walk around with a smile to mask their true feelings, but what lays behind the smile could be a completely different story. Abuse, self harm, starvation, suicidal thoughts, alcoholism?

We don't even think about the fact that behind closed doors that smile could vanish. People you know and love could be in desperate need of help and we can't give it them because we can't hear them anymore. We have silenced their cry. When we ask people how they are, they lie, they say "I'm fine" but in reality they are hurting.

During my deepest struggles I convinced people I was 'Fine' in an attempt to avoid the labels and cruel words people would associate me with. Eating disorder? ButArentYouTooFat. Self Harm? AttentionSeeking/Weird/Stupid/Selfish. Depressed? YourLifeIsntThatBad/Freak/Antisocial. I wasn't fine but I could not admit it because of peoples ignorance and unwillingness to understand.

I can guarantee someone you know is struggling and so badly wants help. You don't know it though because the lies and plastered on smiles have us fooled. But will it get the sufferer anywhere? No.

We need to start showing people we care, we need to accept that just like when a baby cries it isn't attention seeking, they need help. We need to show people that its okay to ask for help, that you won't judge them or dismiss them. We need people to open up without fear, before it becomes too late.

The start of something new

Why hello there! I'm Lydia, nice to 'meet' you.

I guess you could say right now I am losing my blogging virginity, how very exciting!
So I guess maybe I should start by sharing a bit about myself, I'm sorry if I bore you to tears.

I'm a 5 foot 4, blue eyed, blonde haired, 16 year old Christian who still hasn't learnt how to use punctuation properly. I spend most my time volunteering in a Cafe which I adore and attend college where I am studying 'Professional cookery'. Which is funny really because I don't intend on becoming a chef. Oh and i'm a triplet! - I've rewritten this paragraph a grand total of 24 times now, so I guess I better mention the fact I'm a really indecisive person.

Things you can expect me to talk about in my future posts are:

• Mental illness
• Recovery (struggles and successes)
• My amazing friends
• My family
• Religion
• Ranting about life
• Ranting about other people

I am basically just going to give you all access to my life, the good, bad and even the ugly.

I think i'm going to leave it there for today, thank you so much for reading and 'see' you soon!

 Lydia xxx