I can't swim.

Its 12.05am, monday. I hate mondays, I'm not sure why, It's not like I've had to get out of bed on a monday since leaving school. That's besides the point though. Monday mean's its tuesday tomorrow, which means tomorrow is the first day of my new job.

You could say my life is going swimmingly. I have a job, I wasn't even looking for the job, I pretty much had it handed to me on a plate. I've got a 6 week holiday to South Africa booked and even more importantly I have discovered cadbury dairy milk with Oreo.  Thing's are going swimmingly, I feel like I'm drowning.

I am not used to thing's being so calm. I'm not used to things falling into place. Thing's are going swimmingly but I can't swim. With every good thing that happens I feel guilty, I don't deserve them. These wonderful things are supposed to make me happy but I don't deserve happiness either.

The better thing's seem to get the worse my depression gets. It doesn't make sense, I know. I feel so undeserving. I watch as people I love suffer because of how bad things are going for them, I don't get it, they deserve the good more than I do. So why are things going right for me and not them?

I'm not even sure what I'm trying to say or achieve by writing this. I'm not even going to finish this post.

Not a people person.

There's a song lyric to a song that I don't know the name of that says something like "People are just people they shouldn't make you nervous" and while a large part of me agrees with that statement the part of me that gets nervous by other people think's that statement is ridiculous.

I am terrified of people. I'm 17 years old and conversation scares me. People scare me. I have never made an important phone call, whether it be to arrange an appointment or to ask about a job. It scares me that I do not know the person on the end of the phone. I'm not much better in person either. Strangers make me nervous.

I have never gone to an appointment by myself, I get too scared to talk. I struggle to talk to people my own age. I struggle to talk to 90% of adults. The amount of times I didn't understand my work in school because I was simply too scared to ask a question that might be perceived as "Silly" and was terrified that if my classmates heard they might think I was stupid for not understanding. People my own age will always be the age group that bullied me, that's why they make me nervous.

Leave me on my own with a man over the age of 30 and there's a 10000% chance I will struggle to make conversation. If I don't get myself into a panic when I'm left alone with them it is quite frankly a miracle. Whether I know them quite well or whether they are a complete stranger it doesn't matter. Previous events involving old men are the reason the male species make me nervous.

I'm nervous when meeting females for the first time to, because I know how judgmental and bitchy we girls are. If they're older I'm even more nervous because chances are they're going to be patronizing or compare you to their own children and that just means even more being judged.  

This is probably going to be something that will always hold me back and I'm forever coming across as rude when I struggle to make conversation. Forever coming across as stupid when I get so nervous I can't bring myself to answer the simplest of questions. Childish when I refuse to go into a shop by myself unless they have a self scanner.

People are just people and they shouldn't make me nervous, but they do.

I love...

• Mum 
• Dad
• You
• God
• 'Baby animals man like puppies and rabbits omg awwwh'
• Chelsea boots
• Leather jackets
• Flowers
• Chicken Nuggets
• Shoes/Shoe shops/Looking at shoes
• You me at six
• Breath taking views
• Sunshine
• 'The Emoji that looks like a smiling poo'
• Drinking Vodka/Vodka Redbull
• Bracelets
• Sleep
• Spud the hamster
• Florida
• Pizza
• Family
• Friends
• Partying

I asked people to list some of the things that they love and the answers above are only a small amount of the answers I got. Some people love the same things (Their Mother and Vodka being common answers) but no two lists were the same.  What I noticed, though, is that even in the longest list I received nobody said they loved themselves. And I wonder how far down their lists they are or if they're even on their list at all.

I know it's some massive thing about if you admit you like yourself you're 'big headed' but that isn't the case. It is okay to love yourself, you know why? Because you are F*cking amazin, okay.

"Loving yourself…does not mean being self-absorbed or narcissistic, or disregarding others. Rather it means welcoming yourself as the most honored guest in your own heart, a guest worthy of respect, a lovable companion" .- Margo Anand