"You can't see the glow in your smile"

For those of you have not yet discovered Molly Kestner you might want to listen to her beautiful songs.
I was an emotional wreck after listening to one of her songs! Have a listen..

I run out of tea bags.

I apologize for both the lack of posts and the fact that any posts that have been written have no meaning and make no sense. Although this is probably also going to be a pathetic excuse of a post, sorry..

I have just read something that says; "What screws us up the most in life is the picture in our head of how it's supposed to be. "
The picture in my head of how my life is supposed to be is definitely far from what it is. My plan for my life was/is..
To ideally be a millionaire so I wouldn't have to leave my bed, or at least be on £7 an hour. I'd have a family that never ever argues and tea-bags never ran out. I'm supposed to have a body a lot smaller than mine, I'm supposed to have lots of friends an existent social life. I'm supposed to eventually marry David Beckham and I'm also supposed to have some kind of talent, perhaps the ability sing or maybe even just to be really flexible.  I used to picture myself swimming in confidence and I was definitely supposed to end up a lot prettier than what I am. And while suffering with depression I didn't even picture myself living this long.

Unfortunately I have to leave my bed for all of £2.68 an hour, my family argue and the tea-bags run out. My body is larger than i'd like it to be, I have possibly 2 friends and a non-existent social life. David Beckham doesn't know I exist and my only talent is my ability to give a sarcastic response to almost anything. I have literally no confidence and I look like something off of Jeremy Kyle.  The fact I'm typing this means I have lived this long.

My life is not how I want(ed) it to be, but my faith in God is stronger than I ever expected it to be. I stopped going to church for a while and didn't ever picture myself admitting I do go to church let alone actually praying and trusting in God. His plan for my life, is bigger and better than the plan I have/had for my life.

" For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Please sign.

I was just scrolling through my facebook newsfeed and came across THIS E-petition while I'm not a huge believer in petitions purely because im 90% sure they do absolutely nothing this is one I am going to take the opportunity to promote. For those who haven't clicked on the link the petition is for:

"Anorexia sufferers to get intensive support at start and NOT when they start dying

Responsible department: Department of Health

Many anorexia nervosa sufferers get little or no treatment when they are first diagnosed. Often they get only get help when they become severely physically ill which is then too late because they have already been ravaged by the illness which also reduces their chances of recovery. Early intervention such as therapy, dietetics and specialist eating disorder treatment could nip AN in the bud, save the individual profound suffering and save the cash-strapped NHS money as there would be fewer hospitalisations (long-term admissions can be several months). AN has the highest mortality rate of all psychiatric diseases, and people with cancer would not be left to be treated at the last stage of their illness."

A subject matter that means a lot to me, after being passed from service to service to eventually be told I am not at a low enough BMI (I was literally 0.1 away from it being low enough) to receive help. It's basically the same as telling sufferers "Go lose some more weight and damage your mental and physical health more before we even consider helping you" Good one Nhs... 

The person who created the petition summed it up beautifully so im not going to try and say anymore on the matter, but if you have two minutes to sign the petition that would be much appreciated.

Now what?

If you've been reading my blog long enough to have seen my post 'Silence speaks louder than words?' then you've been here a long time. There is a a sentence in this post which says " What suddenly made the cry for help become a whisper?"  At first I blamed society, friends, family, ignorance. Now, I'm not so sure. 
For me and my experience trying to get professional help, it seems that the people aren't exactly professional or helpful. It's not that professionals don't hear our cry for help they simply shut them up, block them out, arentintheslightestbitinterestedunlessyou'reabouttodropdowndead.

I've been passed from pillar to post and gone all round the hat-rack trying to get people to listen to my cry for help. I've been unsuccessful on every occasion. Not meeting the physical criteria for a mental illness. Not getting help from one one service because another is supposedly helping. Being too ill and not being ill enough. Nobody cares, nobody want's to help. My crys for help have been ignored, the professionals have turned the cry into a whisper.

It's actually appalling that people who ask for help are refused it, they're left to slip through the gaps.

Where do I even go from here?