Letting go

This whole recovery thing is harder than I thought. In fact it would be so much easier to just carry on the path of self-destruct, why change the habit of a life time?

3 meals a day is disgusting and I can't stop engaging in disordered behaviors. I was a fool to think I could.

Attempting to recover feels like losing a best friend. The only thing that has been with me constantly for the past 9 years is my eating disorder. So it's loyal, right? The grooming, the abuse, in sickness and in health, in South Africa, during my exams the only thing that has been with me through all that is my eating disorder. What do I turn to in times of need or desperation or when I am lacking control, my eating disorder and it hasn't left me yet, so why should I leave it now?

I have spent years leaning the calorie contents in different foods, I spend my entire life thinking about what I am and what I am not going to eat, trying to convince myself i'm not hungry the bingeing when the opportunity arises. If I give up on my eating disorder now, what will I think about? What will I do?

This whole 'six pack' thing, do I really want one? Or do I just want an excuse to exercise.

People are talking to me like I'm already recovered and that scares me. I'm not recovered, not yet. I can't let go.

"Do you remember when you went on an 'egg diet'?"
"Remember how slowly you used to eat, it took you an hour to eat a fairy cake!"
"You only did your charity bike ride as an excuse to over-exercise, remember?"`
The worst one by far though is "I'm proud of you"
Proud of what? I am exactly the same just a little bit fatter. I'm exactly the same but a little more social. I'm exactly the same insecure, fat, failure that I always have been,

I can't escape it. I can't, I can't, I can't.

Change is going to happen.

I have neglected my blog, which probably isn't a bad thing, people stopped reading and my posts got repetitive.

There has been a few minor changes in my life recently. So let me quickly tell you what they are before I proceed. I now have an iPhone and have finally let go of my ancient blackberry, r.i.p.
I have gone the longest I ever have without cutting myself, go Lydia!!!  Oh and I have a new ob which I have a love-hate relationship with. I also have a nice long holiday to South Africa booked, remember how scared I was before? Now I am excited!!

I have had loads of goals/achievements in mind that have both been put their quite by accident and shoved in there by other people, but the one I'm most excited to tell you about (which is also the biggest change) is....

Recovery.

I always liked to pretend i was recovered/recovering but in reality I was far from it. I had unhealthy thoughts and an unhealthy relationship with food. My goal weight was 'Emaciated' And now it's 'Six Pack'. Even when I was 'Recovering' what that really meant was eat but enough to still drop down to 7stone. It's no longer that. I am genuinely for the first time in my life determined to be healthy.

I've started exercising not because I want to burn calories but because I feel good afterwards, because I want toned abs and nice thighs, because strong is the new skinny and sore is the new sexy.

I'm starting to work on my relationship with food and my relationship with the scales has changed. Instead of weighing myself 4/5/6 times a day I can now go wait for.. TWO days without weighing myself. - This might not seem like a lot but for me this is a massive things.

I don't need to self harm because actually i'd rather push myself harder in my workouts and feel sore then cut myself and be scarred.

And I think instead of repeating myself with what I say in my blog posts, I am probably going to for the most part blog about my road to recovery, the good the bad the ugly.

But I can not wait for the day I get to tell everybody that I have a six pack - wooo!

Watch this space - If you wan't to...

Fuck you anorexia, i'm taking my life back!