Before and after

Right now my relationship with God is probably more existent than I ever expected it to be. I'm far from being one of those people who can quote the bible word for word and certainly don't act like how people imagine 'Perfect Christians' to be, but I am however for the first time in my life willing to have a relationship with God.

My life since actually wanting to know God has changed more than I actually realized. When half my life has been consumed by depression and disorders all the days blur into one and I don't really notice change unless I sit and think.

Before I knew God my life was pointless. I was accidentally created in some freak-IVF accident where all the eggs took.  I was told I didn't have a soul, couldn't connect with God and that basically meant my existence was pointless. It didn't matter if I lived or died. If I killed myself, it didn't matter, I didn't matter.  So I took advantage of this and tried to kill myself, I prayed to a God I didn't believe in hundreds of times to let me die. I convinced myself that even if I could have a relationship with this pretend God i'd kill myself anyway and beat him at his own game. (Oh Lydia, how strange you were..)

Now, my life has a meaning. I wasn't an accident, I was planned and my life continues to have a plan. God's plan. I can have a relationship with God and my life is precious to him, he made me and he loves me and he sent his son to die for me.

Before I knew God I struggled to see why people would call him a 'Father' A lot of people I know have strained relationships with their father, if they even see them at all. Mine and my dads relationship has been far from a perfect one - don't get me wrong I know I'm lucky to have a dad one that for the most part is actually half decent. But when things are bad they're awful, Screaming, punching, fighting, swearing, ignoring. -  "Why would anybody want TWO dads, one is bad enough?!"

Now I know that a heavenly Father is different too an earthly one. This Father loves me unconditionally, he know's everything I've done wrong he's seen me hurt myself, hurt others, lie and cheat and self-destruct but he doesn't get angry, he doesn't ignore me. He forgives me, he loves me more than I can even imagine. And for me, knowing i'm loved is a massive thing after spending what seems like an eternity convincing myself that nobody does love me, I am unlovable. This Father knows everything about me, don to the number of hairs on my head and I can't even convince myself that he doesn't love me, no matter how hard i've tried to do so.

Before doctors couldn't fix me and I was convinced either I'd kill myself or my Anorexia would kill me, I wouldn't let anyone pray for me because what was the point - If God was real I wouldn't have been sexually assaulted nobody would let that happen to their child. Suffering wouldn't exist and life would be full of happy endings and pixie dust.

Now I'm not so ignorant. And doctors fixing me isn't what's important anymore. God's healing is the important bit and while It can be disappointing when people pray for you, pray a bit more and continue to pray for you and nothings changed I know that God's timing is perfect and it doesn't matter that I haven't been healed overnight.

I can't explain it very well but despite still being ill, still having all the same struggles i've had for years despite thinking absolutely nothing's changed, something is different. I feel different, for the first time in my life I have purpose, I'm loved, I have hope, it's almost like the emptiness inside me is slowly but surely being filled with something great. I'm excited to see what the future holds instead of telling myself I won't live long enough to have a future.

I don't know where I'm going with this or even how to put into words what i'm feeling and im sorry if this makes no sense what so ever.

Then vs. Now

'I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in, but you can't. How you hurt yourself on the outside to try and kill the thing on the inside' Girl interrupted.

If you'd of asked  14 year old me what my favorite quote was this would of probably been the response I gave you.

I know what it's like to want to die. I used to pray to a God that I wasn't even sure I believed in begging and pleading that I wouldn't wake in the morning, wishing and hoping that he would make it all stop. He didn't. I'd take matters into my own hands and swallow stupid amounts of pain killers but it never did the trick, i'd wake up excited in the night because i'd dreamed up a new way to kill myself. Now I thank God that I am here and excited to see what his plan for me is. 

How it hurts to smile. Ask 16 year old me when the last time she smiled because she was happy was, she'd tell you she can't remember. Smiling hurt, breathing hurt, everything hurt. Some days smiling still hurts but at church someone said 'Thankyou Lord for making our hearts smile even if our faces don't' (or something like that).. These days I thank God for being the reason that I smile.

How you try to fit in, but you can't. I don't really fit in, anywhere. I'm too awkward. I have maybe 2 friends and at school I used to try desperately to fit into a friendship group (and failed miserably). But I don't need to fit in with a clique to have a friend in Jesus, He loves me for me. 

How you hurt yourself on the outside to try and kill the thing on the inside. I tried everything and everywhere. I am covered head to toe in scars (quite literally, face, neck, ankles.. you name it i've probably cut it). It didn't kill anything, not me, not the things on the inside, it did not work. It left ugly scars that people stare at, that people point at, that they whisper about. But the things inside me just grew and grew. Now I know that actually, the thing on the inside was satans doing and the only thing that can get him out is Jesus, and lots and lots of prayer to him seem's to be doing some good. 

Ask 18 year old me what my favorite quote is and I'll tell you this.
"For everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved" Romans 10:13

I pray to a God that I know I believe in, that I know is good and bit by bit he is saving me.

Dear you...

Welcome to 2015, i've seen people on facebook talk about suicide and people I love tell me they don't want to live to end of this year. And well guys, this one is for you...

I know things are hard right now, believe me I do. Some days it seems like life is okay and you're content with being alive. Other days, or maybe a few hours later everything feels like it's crashing down. Your life is falling apart, but not at the seems because you can't seem to sew it back together. You're crying so hard that you have to gasp for breath, but as quietly as possible because you don't want people to hear you cry.

You're not sure what is worse being so sad that you want to hurt yourself, or being so sad that you can't physically move to get the knife. It feels like everything is too much the weight of the world is getting heavier and heavier. It feels like you have nothing left to live for.

It feels like nobody loves you, nobody cares and why would they? Because you feel like you're a piece of shit so they must think you are to. You think you want to kill yourself but you don't want to hurt the people that were once 'close' to you. You've gone over your suicide note in your head 50 times and still can't get it right. "I'm sorry" but sorry won't being you back, sorry won't make it better, this isn't accidentally bumping into someone in a supermarket, this is your life.

I know this because I've been there too. I know this because every day I see my scars and am reminded of how I once felt. I know this because the anti-depressants don't work and nothing anyone says or does changes the fact that you feel empty.

But let me tell you somethings you don't know.

Feelings pass, right now you don't think they will but remember that time when you were happy, whether it was last week, yesterday,  years ago or when you were 5. You can feel like that again, and I know you won't believe me now but it's true.

Suicide stops your bad feelings. That's obvious. But it stops the good ones too, you can never feel excited, hopeful, beautiful ever again. And neither will the people who loved you, your bad feelings have just been passsed on to them. I  know you think nobody cares but believe me they do, I do.

Scars are permanent. The knife, razor, lighter, scissors seem like a good idea now, but in ten years time when you've found the love of your life and have children together you're going to have to explain those scars and not everybody understands. 

Chocolate makes it all better (okay this one is purely opinion) and i strongly recommend topdeck but we can't all go to Africa and get it so oreo chocolate would be next in line.

Getting out of bed is worth it. Doesn't seem like it when you've got nothing to get up for, no one to get up for. But believe me, shower, get dressed (do your makeup), and go for a walk, the fresh air does amazing things. But distract yourself from the thoughts while you're at it. Count every red car you see, touch the trees admire their beauty. God created our beautiful surroundings and he created you, go so the world he made for you to live in!

Talking is great. You might not want to talk about it but a 'problem shared is a problem halved' just knowing somebody is listening is a good thing, having someone in your hour of need. If you can't bring yourself to do it, write it down. Tell someone how you feel. Doctors, friends, parents someone you trust. I promise you somebody will listen.

If you or anyone you know is suicidal and you don't know what to do please call any of these..

999 if you think the person is at risk to themselves, has injured themselves or you suspect they have taken an overdose.

0800 11 11. Childline will take calls up until you're 19 years old, they also have a website in which you can talk to someone via a messenger instead. 

08457 90 90 90. The Samaritans take calls 24/7 someone is always there to listen.

0800 068 41 41 Papyrus supports teenagers and young adults who are struggling with suicidal thoughts. 

And heck, if you have my number, text me. 

Things 2014 has taught me

As 2014 has drawn to a close and I have no social life I thought I may as well stay in y pajamas and write a pointless post on things that I have learnt this year. Here goes...

• God is good. For the most part I knew this was true but this year i've felt it more than ever. I've listened to amazing testimonies and watched people's lives change for the better. God has done amazing things for so many people in my life this year and it's been wonderful to see/hear.
• I was born in the wrong country. I fitted in better in South Africa, the food was great and the weather was wonderful and therefor I should of been born there.
• Depression doesn't rule my life. Rewind 18 months and I was spending too much time in bed overthinking things and convincing myself I'd be dead within 12 months. Now, I hold down a a full time job and despite somedays being a struggle breathing doesn't seem like a chore anymore. 
• If someone cares about my weight they don't care about me. That's right, if someone mentions my weight gain despite knowing I've battled with eating disorders they have no place in my life. If my body bothers you, fuck off. 
• Being 18 isn't that great. Everyone's always like ''woo 18, can legally drink lets go smack blah blah blah'' Actually it's no different to being 16 but it's now legal. (Only good thing is I can buy y own fags now!)
• Pajamas are fabulous. I don't need to dress up on a friday night in something uncomfortable to get attention from people I don't know. Nothing beats a long week at work than a bubble bath and cozy pajamas, i love it. 
• I can't please everyone. And even attempting too is just a headache and a mistake. As long as I'm doing what makes me happy that's all that matters. 
• Self care isn't selfish. I am allowed to take care of myself, I am allowed to pray for myself and I am allowed to try to love myself. It doesn't make me selfish I am just important as every other human.
• Meat tastes good. And I am now a part time vegetarian, yum. 
• Everyone has a story. Usually heartbreaking or at very least really interesting. 
• Taking 20 laxatives at a time isn't worth it to 'lose weight'. This one is self explanatory and actually disgusting but that's the reality of an eating disorder. 
• Doctors are shit. I don't need doctors to 'fix me' I need God to heal me.
• I don't need to be afraid of everything. I was scared of going to Africa, that was silly. I spent a lot of time worrying that y house would set on fire, it didn't. I've always been petrified of people i've just met touching me 'cause i sure they're going to hurt me, no one did. 
• Mental illness is often judged by physical criteria. That's shit.
• I need to make time to do things. While working is all well and good I haven't had much opportunity to do what I enjoy, baking, sleeping, getting lost on a long walk to no where, weeding my garden,  and I certainly didn't spend enough time with God. 
• Top Deck. is the best chocolate I have ever tasted and I need it back in my life.
  
  While 2014 hasn't been as good I'd of liked it to be it certainly hasn't been my worst year (How could it be when I got to go to Africa for 6 weeks???) I am so grateful for the handful of people who made this year one of my better ones. Thankyou to the people who have loved me through the hard times and laughed with me in the goodtimes. Here's to (hopefully) a HAPPY 2015.