Before and after

Right now my relationship with God is probably more existent than I ever expected it to be. I'm far from being one of those people who can quote the bible word for word and certainly don't act like how people imagine 'Perfect Christians' to be, but I am however for the first time in my life willing to have a relationship with God.

My life since actually wanting to know God has changed more than I actually realized. When half my life has been consumed by depression and disorders all the days blur into one and I don't really notice change unless I sit and think.

Before I knew God my life was pointless. I was accidentally created in some freak-IVF accident where all the eggs took.  I was told I didn't have a soul, couldn't connect with God and that basically meant my existence was pointless. It didn't matter if I lived or died. If I killed myself, it didn't matter, I didn't matter.  So I took advantage of this and tried to kill myself, I prayed to a God I didn't believe in hundreds of times to let me die. I convinced myself that even if I could have a relationship with this pretend God i'd kill myself anyway and beat him at his own game. (Oh Lydia, how strange you were..)

Now, my life has a meaning. I wasn't an accident, I was planned and my life continues to have a plan. God's plan. I can have a relationship with God and my life is precious to him, he made me and he loves me and he sent his son to die for me.

Before I knew God I struggled to see why people would call him a 'Father' A lot of people I know have strained relationships with their father, if they even see them at all. Mine and my dads relationship has been far from a perfect one - don't get me wrong I know I'm lucky to have a dad one that for the most part is actually half decent. But when things are bad they're awful, Screaming, punching, fighting, swearing, ignoring. -  "Why would anybody want TWO dads, one is bad enough?!"

Now I know that a heavenly Father is different too an earthly one. This Father loves me unconditionally, he know's everything I've done wrong he's seen me hurt myself, hurt others, lie and cheat and self-destruct but he doesn't get angry, he doesn't ignore me. He forgives me, he loves me more than I can even imagine. And for me, knowing i'm loved is a massive thing after spending what seems like an eternity convincing myself that nobody does love me, I am unlovable. This Father knows everything about me, don to the number of hairs on my head and I can't even convince myself that he doesn't love me, no matter how hard i've tried to do so.

Before doctors couldn't fix me and I was convinced either I'd kill myself or my Anorexia would kill me, I wouldn't let anyone pray for me because what was the point - If God was real I wouldn't have been sexually assaulted nobody would let that happen to their child. Suffering wouldn't exist and life would be full of happy endings and pixie dust.

Now I'm not so ignorant. And doctors fixing me isn't what's important anymore. God's healing is the important bit and while It can be disappointing when people pray for you, pray a bit more and continue to pray for you and nothings changed I know that God's timing is perfect and it doesn't matter that I haven't been healed overnight.

I can't explain it very well but despite still being ill, still having all the same struggles i've had for years despite thinking absolutely nothing's changed, something is different. I feel different, for the first time in my life I have purpose, I'm loved, I have hope, it's almost like the emptiness inside me is slowly but surely being filled with something great. I'm excited to see what the future holds instead of telling myself I won't live long enough to have a future.

I don't know where I'm going with this or even how to put into words what i'm feeling and im sorry if this makes no sense what so ever.