'I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in, but you can't. How you hurt yourself on the outside to try and kill the thing on the inside' Girl interrupted.
If you'd of asked 14 year old me what my favorite quote was this would of probably been the response I gave you.
I know what it's like to want to die. I used to pray to a God that I wasn't even sure I believed in begging and pleading that I wouldn't wake in the morning, wishing and hoping that he would make it all stop. He didn't. I'd take matters into my own hands and swallow stupid amounts of pain killers but it never did the trick, i'd wake up excited in the night because i'd dreamed up a new way to kill myself. Now I thank God that I am here and excited to see what his plan for me is.
How it hurts to smile. Ask 16 year old me when the last time she smiled because she was happy was, she'd tell you she can't remember. Smiling hurt, breathing hurt, everything hurt. Some days smiling still hurts but at church someone said 'Thankyou Lord for making our hearts smile even if our faces don't' (or something like that).. These days I thank God for being the reason that I smile.
How you try to fit in, but you can't. I don't really fit in, anywhere. I'm too awkward. I have maybe 2 friends and at school I used to try desperately to fit into a friendship group (and failed miserably). But I don't need to fit in with a clique to have a friend in Jesus, He loves me for me.
How you hurt yourself on the outside to try and kill the thing on the inside. I tried everything and everywhere. I am covered head to toe in scars (quite literally, face, neck, ankles.. you name it i've probably cut it). It didn't kill anything, not me, not the things on the inside, it did not work. It left ugly scars that people stare at, that people point at, that they whisper about. But the things inside me just grew and grew. Now I know that actually, the thing on the inside was satans doing and the only thing that can get him out is Jesus, and lots and lots of prayer to him seem's to be doing some good.
Ask 18 year old me what my favorite quote is and I'll tell you this.
"For everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved" Romans 10:13
I pray to a God that I know I believe in, that I know is good and bit by bit he is saving me.
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