Wish List

There are a lot of things that I can think of that would make my life better if I had it... And if I got everything on that list I would be happy and my life would be perfect.  It may seem selfish, materialistic, vain but I NEED them to make my life better... And here is to name just a few.

I need:

• Liposuction
• A nicer smile
• New anti-depressants
• A new job 
• More money (I'm talking millions...)
• Higher self-esteem
• A boyfriend
• A driving license 
• An iPhone
• Thinner thighs
• To be happier
• A talent
• My own house
• To be happier
• To be healthier
• Cigarettes to cost less
• Alcohol to come out the tap
• To be perfect
• To be accepted
• Longer hair
• More people to love me
• To feel appreciated
• A double bed
• JESUS.

"And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus" Phillipians 4:19

Don't believe in doctors.

Some people go to the doctor all the time for things that seem small to others (seriously - take a paracetamol, it's only a slight headache!) and occasionally they go for something big, serious. I'd rather suffer. Doctors and medical professionals have done nothing but let me down when it comes to my mental health and after more than a year of seeking treatment - nothing. I was referred to a specialist center over 6 months ago - nothing. Antidepressants aren't working? Try some new ones, up your dose, just keep taking them. Some people put more faith in doctors than anything else.
 But a Doctor has never healed me and they've run out of options, they can not fix me and now it seems they wont even try. It's impossible to get an appointment and even then 5 minutes is not enough to explain every thing that is going wrong inside my mind and inside my body. I don't understand how people can believe in doctors.

I am lucky though because I do not need a doctor to heal me (Okay, treatment would be nice but i've given up on that and they've given up on me). I have God, I go to him for the small stuff and  big, serious stuff. Because of him I do not have to suffer. God has done everything for me. I don't need to make an appointment because my God is here, all the time, always listening. I don't need to book in advance and talk to him as quick as I possibly can so he can talk to someone else sicker than I am.
God doesn't need to refer me to somebody else because he's stuck, he is all knowing, God isn't going to stop trying he is not going to give up on me, or you, or anyone. He know's our sicknesses and sufferings and he will heal us.

I've heard wonderful testimonies of people being healed from various mental and physical illnesses, healed from addiction,  It says in Matthew 7:7 Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened. God isn't like a doctor he doesn't need to prescribe you drugs he doesn't need to be told your symptoms he doesn't need you to have various tests done. He just needs you to ask to be healed and he will give you healing.

I have prayed time and time again, i've been prayed for lots I am not healed and I am okay with that because I have faith that God will heal me, he will heal you. Just because I haven't been healed instantly does not mean I will not be healed, I just need to keep praying and keep being prayed for. I'm putting my faith in God and not in doctors.

"Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering."

Private life.

"Who you are in private is more important than who you are when people see"
(The exact opposite to my bingeing habit, what i eat in private I wear in public).

Anyway, I like the idea of who you are in private being more important...

Some people have an untidy house until they're expecting guests but it's okay to have an untidy house because the people are their to see you and not your house. If you're house is a mess and your life is a mess that is fine just don't pretend it's not.

In public I try to appear confident, innocent, full of the word of God, happier, healthier, okay.

In private it takes me ten minutes to build up the courage to leave the house, "fuck" is my most used word, I struggle to read the bible, depression takes it's toll, have unhealthy thoughts and sometimes in private I am not okay. (but as soon as we have visitors or I need to go out I can quickly pretend I am).

I have scars and secrets that will never be made public, we all do. Sometimes those scars are physical and other times emotional but why would we publicize that? We wouldn't because we're too scared of being judged or put down.

Who we are in private should be who we are all the time, we shouldn't have to put on a show for an audience full of people that are also just keeping up appearances.

Can you hear me?

I am rubbish at talking, remembering and listening. When it comes to talking to other people I freeze, occasionally I stutter and yes or no answers are about as much as I can give. I forget important things but remember lyrics from song's I heard once 10 years ago, it's not that I don't follow instructions I simply just forget I was given them. I'm not bad at listening, I'm bad at taking it in, in one ear out the other, shrugging off things I don't want to hear.

When It come's to God I am just as bad. I physically can't talk to God out loud, I can in my head but that's a mess and I get distracted mid-prayer. Sometimes I simply forgot to pray when the hustle and bustle of life is too much. It's not that I don't listen to God though, I just do not hear him and even if I were to I'm not sure what he sounds like. Sometimes it feels like God isn't listening to me though, when you pray and pray and pray and nothing happens it can be hard.

I was told by an RE teacher once that because I was made by science and not God that I do not have a soul and can not connect with God. IVF babies weren't how God intended for children to made and if God didn't just give them a baby like he gave Sarah in the bible then maybe the parents weren't supposed to have one. I also used to get called "Devil child" at school by some of my sisters friends... So It would make sense if God wasn't listening, I wasn't part of a plan and I apparently remind people of satan so why would he even want to hear my cries for help.

But that's not the case and It's only the past few weeks I've realized that. If I wasn't part of Gods plan then even with the help of doctors the sperm wouldn't have fertilized the egg, I wouldn't be here. God knew even before IVF was a thing, even before my parents met, that Lydia Brown would walk the earth and Sandra and Tony would have triplets with the help of science. I am part of Gods plan and he still has a plan for my life. 'For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord Plans to prosper you and not to harm you plans to give you hope and a future' Jeremiah 29:11
It isn't that God isn't listening to me, it's that God's plan for me is just different to that of what I am asking, the nights I used to cry and pray that God would please just let me be with him now, that I wouldn't wake up the morning. It's not that I was being ignored it's that God has a better plan for my life than I do.

The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles.  The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.  A righteous man may have many troubles, but the LORD delivers him from them all Psalm 34:17-19 (sorry if this makes no sense it's 1am, I'm tired and couldnt find the words I was looking for)

inside out

While I was in Africa people kept telling me I'm beautiful, which I found really weird. All my life people have pointed out flaws in my appearance, called me ugly and even been given 2/10 for my looks. I find it difficult to accept compliments because it feels like i'm being lied to, so I kind of just awkwardly laugh or ignore the compliment all together.

I've had all sorts of comments made about my appearance:
Too fat
Too Thin
Massive forehead
Short
Weird figure
Boat feet
Chubby cheeks
Ugly
Out of proportion

And then I have my own view of myself:
Strange hair, big forehead, bushy eyebrows, strange eyelids, small eyes, big/wide/pointy nose, odd shaped lips that somedays are too fat and other days too thin, unsymmetrical ears, fat face fat cheeks, double chin, non existent neck, broad shoulders, wide torso, muffin top, strange hips, violin deformity, bulging thighs,  muscly calves, huge feet, terrible skin, man hands, freaky knees, scars.
There isn't a single squared cm of myself that I think I actually like And while that makes life a bit difficult and my confidence a bit low it doesn't matter.

I was made in God's image and he loves me. And doesn't matter what other people think about my external.
"The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” 1 Samuel 16:7