Can you hear me?

I am rubbish at talking, remembering and listening. When it comes to talking to other people I freeze, occasionally I stutter and yes or no answers are about as much as I can give. I forget important things but remember lyrics from song's I heard once 10 years ago, it's not that I don't follow instructions I simply just forget I was given them. I'm not bad at listening, I'm bad at taking it in, in one ear out the other, shrugging off things I don't want to hear.

When It come's to God I am just as bad. I physically can't talk to God out loud, I can in my head but that's a mess and I get distracted mid-prayer. Sometimes I simply forgot to pray when the hustle and bustle of life is too much. It's not that I don't listen to God though, I just do not hear him and even if I were to I'm not sure what he sounds like. Sometimes it feels like God isn't listening to me though, when you pray and pray and pray and nothing happens it can be hard.

I was told by an RE teacher once that because I was made by science and not God that I do not have a soul and can not connect with God. IVF babies weren't how God intended for children to made and if God didn't just give them a baby like he gave Sarah in the bible then maybe the parents weren't supposed to have one. I also used to get called "Devil child" at school by some of my sisters friends... So It would make sense if God wasn't listening, I wasn't part of a plan and I apparently remind people of satan so why would he even want to hear my cries for help.

But that's not the case and It's only the past few weeks I've realized that. If I wasn't part of Gods plan then even with the help of doctors the sperm wouldn't have fertilized the egg, I wouldn't be here. God knew even before IVF was a thing, even before my parents met, that Lydia Brown would walk the earth and Sandra and Tony would have triplets with the help of science. I am part of Gods plan and he still has a plan for my life. 'For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord Plans to prosper you and not to harm you plans to give you hope and a future' Jeremiah 29:11
It isn't that God isn't listening to me, it's that God's plan for me is just different to that of what I am asking, the nights I used to cry and pray that God would please just let me be with him now, that I wouldn't wake up the morning. It's not that I was being ignored it's that God has a better plan for my life than I do.

The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles.  The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.  A righteous man may have many troubles, but the LORD delivers him from them all Psalm 34:17-19 (sorry if this makes no sense it's 1am, I'm tired and couldnt find the words I was looking for)