It has been such a long time since I have posted that I think I may have forgotten how to write a post.
However, I will do my best to write in English and not to bore everybody too much. To be honest I think I have only decided to write this now because i'm procrastinating (I hate homework).
Since my last post in June (Seriously... 5 months Lydia? Get your act together) a lot has happened. Most of you will know that I jetted off to South Africa for 7 weeks, there were days where I wanted nothing but to come home and days where the thought of going home made me cry. The good definitely outweighed the bad though.
I was not eating much and when possible I would skip meals or eat a portion of food equivalent to that of a weaning baby. I would purposely not take my medication so large meals would quickly find their way into the toilet because my re-flux was not being controlled. I was hoarding razor blades because when my mind was a mess it was easier to put my faith in a blade than in God.
I received prayer, lots of it, and things began to change.
My minute portion of food changed into eating a large portion (in public!) without every mouthful feeling like a failure and for once I saw the food instead of just the calories. There was no desire to punish myself for something that most humans do without batting an eyelid. Food for the first time in my life wasn't a fear and eating was no longer a challenge. The scales no longer control my life because I am worth more than a number. I am a child of God, the apple of his eye and I wasn't designed to spend my life worshiping a cold piece of glass instead of my Father.
I stopped putting my faith in things that could tear apart my skin and started to put my faith in Him. The sharp bits of metal were no longer a safety blanket to run to when my mind was telling my to hurt myself, I deserve it. Instead I ran to God and let him take control. Now the only weapon I keep close to me is the sword of the spirit.
Life is worth living with Jesus in it. Don't get wrong not everything's perfect and some days I want to give up but instead of turning to food abuse and blades I turn to God as my refuge, my strength. Rock bottom is where I discovered that Jesus is my rock and the solid foundation in which he provides is the very same foundation where I have built my new life.
A life where self harm is no more a daily occurrence and eating finally is. A life with God in the driving seat instead of me pushing him into the back seat. A life that I am excited to be living.
(Thank you to those who prayed for/with me, you are fabulous)
