Two thousand and sixteen

Those of you who have been reading my blog over the past few years will probably vaguely remember a couple of posts about what I've learnt in previous years. What I learnt in 2014 and Things 2015 taught me, so seeing as I've hardly posted this year I thought I would make it a hat-trick and bore you all with some of the things I have learnt in 2016. So here it goes...

God has a plan. While I have always known this to some degree this year has been the year I've trusted it. I don't mean a plan for 20 years time either, I mean right now. Some of the little things that have happened this year, which could have only been Gods doing, just highlighted that he's got things under control.

My appearance isn't anyone else's problem. I have spent far too many years of my life trying to conform to societies warped idea of what beauty is. People are forever commenting their opinion on what they think I should look like. Youlooknicerwithlongerhair, ipreferyourhairblondewhydidyoudyeit, youlooknicerwithmakeupon, youlookedbetterbeforeyoulostweight, dontgainanymoreyoulllookfat. I've gained weight, lost weight, grown, cut, dyed my hair and someone always has something to say. If my appearance bothers you that much you are not the kind of person I need in my life.

I am my own worst enemy. I told myself I would fail my college course and told myself I would't pass my driving test. I'm now reapplying for Uni having got the grades I need and the proud owner of a pink license and Norris (my car). So eff you negative Lydia!

People leave. Let them - if somebody wants to be in your life they'll make an effort.

People stay. There has been a small handful of people who have been brilliant this year. People who have been with me during good times and not ran away when things have been bad but instead held open their arms and tried to support me in anyway possible. I am so grateful for these people for showing me such love even though I really don't deserve it. (Shout out to the Archers, Hunters and Hd's)

Chicken Nuggets are rank. The people who obsess over McD's chicken nuggets are in need of serious medical help. They are vile.

Prosecco. I feel like this one speaks for itself.

Life goes on. So many times this year I've claimed "I'm so done" and meant it. So many things have happened that have made me want to give up, yet the following morning I'm ready to try again.

Accept an apology you didn't receive. It changes everything. Someone's upset you? Pretend they apologized. It prevents grudges and ill feelings that they might not have realized they've caused. You can forgive someone and not want anything to do with them. But if you don't forgive you're the one holding onto the hurt and anger and I guarantee it's bothering you a hell of a lot more than them!

Iceland's mince pies are the best. Sorry M&S, Asda, Tesco, Sainsburys, Spar, Co-op, home bakers and what ever other ones I tried but you just can not beat a Mince pie from Iceland!

I am loved, so unworthy, but loved none the less.
While 2016 hasn't been a fantastic year i'd rather not dwell on the lows. It's also had some wonderful moments and been filled with positives too (like a holiday to ZA!). So now it's time to sit by myself and drink prosecco to welcome in the new year. May 2017 be filled with new adventures, new lessons and be a happy healthy one for you all xxxxxx

This is a big deal.

Happy world mental health day to my fellow nutters!

Joking aside, today is actually a more important day to me than my birthday. Today is the day where sufferers all around the globe are pretty much given permission to actually talk about their mental health rather than hide it. Now, seeing as mental illness is a 365 days a year issue and it only gets given one day I better cram as much into this post as possible because, God forbid, I talk about it tomorrow. Nope, wouldn't risk it, I might get hit by lightening, people might think I'm hiding an axe in my pocket, today if i talk about mental health i'm brave - tomorrow I'm an attention seeking crazy woman and the earth might just stop spinning and I, for one, am not willing to take that risk.

Now, mental health, believe it or not is a pretty big deal. 1 in 4 people will suffer with a mental illness. More people will die from an eating disorder than some forms of cancer. 1 in 10 people will suffer with anxiety/depression at any one time - that is 10% of the population -  712 MILLION 500 THOUSAND  people have depression/anxiety. If that is not a big deal I have no idea what is.

Now, I have wrote post after post about living with mental illness, living with someone else who has a mental illness, spoke about how hard recovery is, spoke about how amazing recovery is, spoke about a life where chains are broken and mental illness is no more, spoke about what not to say to a person in recovery, promoted recovery, promoted mental wellness, spent so much time talking to people and encouraging them in their recovery journey, Recovery and initial suffering i have spoken about. Now I am going to do something I have never done before and if I do that after today I might turn into pumpkin. I am going to talk about relapse. Yes my friend, RELAPSE. (I hope nobody has fainted, died or melted at the word).

It's a horrible thing to talk about, if someone is recovering you do not want to believe or admit that relapse is FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIFE going to be a possibility. Sorry to break it to you. BUT that does not mean a person is back at square one, this does not mean that is where they will stay. So here as some of my thoughts surrounding relapse and how those around an individual can help by doing/not doing.

A person does not need to have one specific reason for relapse. No, being dumped is not the reason I'm struggling to eat. Yes, I am sure. Does it have a part to play? I don't think so but that's what everyone else seems to blame it on. However, I have started a new job, had to deal with difficult people, my clothes weren't fitting, there's been lots of changes. Maybe that's the issue, maybe i'm reverting to back to what I am comfortable with. Please do not try to pinpoint what triggered old habits, chances are the person themselves doesn't know the exact cause.
Please do let a person know that you're there for them. However, please pretty please only say this if you really mean it. Be there for them in whatever you can/feel willing to. Try not to get annoyed, try not to take things personally, try not to push too hard. If you're a prayer pray with them, if you're a listener listen, if you have time to spare offer to visit the doctor with them. Avoid trying to do/be to much, you'll burn out, they'll feel guilty.

Relapse does not have to be into the same addiction. Borris used to cut himself, he stopped 3 years ago but now he drinks until he passes out. That is relapse. The addiction is still there the self destruction is still there. Do not think that because Borris is not cutting himself he has not relapsed.

Please do not say phrases like "it's a shame, you were doing so well" say something that hurts a bit less than a stab wound. Like "You've recovered before, you can do it again" or "You're strong, you can beat this" or "I'm praying for you"

Remember that a lapse or relapse is not the end of their story. Remember that God has still got them and remind them of that. Remember that lapses are normal, remember that recovery is still possibly. Remember that talking about mental health doesn't just have to happen once a year.

"When 'I' is replaced by 'we' mental illness becomes mental wellness"

I would also just like to say a massive thanks to the people who have supported me both in my recovery and stuck with me in my lapse. I can not begin to express how much you guys mean to me and how grateful I am. 

Dear me,

An open letter to my younger self.

Dearest younger Lydia I am incredibly sorry to tell you this but you did not become a butterfly when you grew up, I really am sorry. Turns out when people ask you what you want to be you can't actually become another species and you actually have to work hard. However let me tell you a secret, you found a King (his name is God) which makes you a princess and that's a gazillions times better than being a butterfly anyway. 

Firstly, Im sorry Lydia that when ridiculous men touched you in inappropriate ways or groomed you that it took you so long to speak up. But Lydia I want you to know that all the hurt, confusion and shame, it goes. I promise you there is a life beyond scrubbing yourself in the shower and being scared every time you get a text message. There is a time when the nightmares stop and you realise that not every person who owns a penis is going to treat you like an object or try to win you like some sort of trophy. I know that fearing earthly men ruined so much for you but you've met someone who will never hurt you who has cleansed you and washed away the dirtiness you once felt - His name is Jesus and He really isn't like other men, He loves you more than you can imagine.

Lydia I also want to tell you that there is life beyond the eating disorder. I'm not sure what possessed you to throw away your lunch as an eight year old, I'm not sure how at the age of twelve you knew it was possible to make yourself throw up and I think you're an idiot for thinking that's a great idea. Wanting to be invisible so you couldn't receive unwanted male attention was one thing but then listening to the people who called you names was another. I wish you knew that those names didn't have to hurt. It's okay though, I know now that your identity isn't determined by the names people called you and continue to call you. Your identity is in Christ and he is looking at your heart and not at your waistline. 

I also want you to know that the names you called yourself for so long were lies. You were not and are not worthless or ugly or a mistake. Oh Lydia if only you knew that He would have died for your sin even if you were the only other person to have walked the earth, that is how much you are valued. If only you knew that you are not a mistake, not created in some sort of freak IVF accident like you once believed but you were created by God and he has had a plan for your life since before the world began. Isn't that great Lydia? God does not make mistakes you are not a mistake if only you knew this then!

Lydia I wish I could go back in time to the innocent ten year old who decided cutting themselves was a good idea, I know you were unaware that it becomes an addiction if only you knew that you were ruining your body. I can't blame just you ten year old Lydia, even into adulthood you cut yourself leaving a large amount of your body covered in ugly scars that people gawk at. But Lydia let me tell you something amazing, you stop turning to sharp objects and start turning towards God in times of struggle. Oh Lydia if only we knew then what we know now, God has healed you!   He has set you free. 

Dear Lydia who hoped and prayed that her life would end and tried too many times to attempt to end it yourself. I know how much you cried when attempts didn't work or when you got too scared or when you woke up after hours of praying you wouldn't, I know how disappointed you were in yourself and in God. But Lydia, Lydia, you won't believe it when I tell you that now you're so grateful that your life didn't end, you're excited to be living. Remember that plan I mentioned earlier? It will be revealed one day and I'm glad we managed to stick around to see that life isn't all doom and gloom, not now that you have found the Light!.

Little Lydia, I wish you knew it was perfectly okay not to be okay, I wish you didn't hide. Larger Lydia I wish you knew sooner that blades, alcohol and handfuls of pills wasn't the best things to turn to, if only you knew that God loved (and still loves) you and that He alone was all you need to fill the void. If only you knew that life was worth living you might if lived it to the full. 

Younger Lydia, the years of wasting away are not wasted though. God is going to use them for His glory oh Lydia, who would have guessed that all it took to break the chains that held you for so long was to discover who Jesus is! No perfect pill, no life changing doctor, nothing in your power Lyd just an awesome God.

Romans 8:18  “I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.”

TRIGGER WARNING.

4 hours of broken sleep and the 8 am alarm for school refuses to be silenced - there is no snooze button on parents. Drag your tired body out of bed and walk down two flights of stairs to the bathroom with the scale in it. Exhausted. Take off anything that could weigh anything, pajamas, hair bobbles.. yes take off the hair bobble because it might make you weigh more. Stand shivering until the scale is ready. Look what Stones and Lbs are displayed and quickly flick through the settings to Lbs and Oz and Kgs. Needing to know 3 different ways of saying what you weigh is important. Move the scale to a different floor tile and repeat the process no less than six times work out the average.

The number on the scale has gone down? Great! Don't eat and it will drop further down!
The number on the scale has gone up? You fat whore. Don't eat to make up for it!
The number on the scale has maintained? You are a disappointment. Don't eat.
You're 6 stone yet all you can see is a body covered in fat.

Return the scale to tile number one, throw on the school clothes that used to fit but now hang off your body. Mum wants you to eat breakfast? Okay... 68 calorie cereal bar, can you get away with eating half? or quarter? is anyone watching? Take it out the wrapper put it in your bag and put the wrapper in the bin. Put lunch in bag. Brush teeth, don't brush hair it's falling out. Wash face, go to school. Use a stupid app to tell you how many calories the walk to school is burning, throw sandwiches and the remaining cereal bar in the bin. Feel guilty for doing so but at the same time feel proud for being a sly little bitch who will get away with not eating for another day! Get to school and the day is a blur. If you don't hang around with people nobody can question if or why you haven't eaten lunch. You don't need friends at this stage in the game, you have not got this skinny to listen to people tell you you need to eat. It was hurting everyone, them watching you shrink killed them inside, so pushing them away works out best for you all. They don't need to be concerned, you don't need to listen to the 'what have you eaten today?'

Convince yourself that even the smell of somebody elses food can make you gain weight. There is definitely calories floating in the smell and now they're going up your nose. Feel guilty, go to the toilets, cut - because it is important that you carry a weapon with you at all time to fight this war against yourself. Back to lessons, count down the hours or minutes until the end of the day. Walk home the long way so nobody see's you spark up a fag. You were always against smoking but you read on a website filled with tips that smoking can curb your appetite and at this point you are starving. No surprise, you haven't had a proper meal in weeks. Spray entire body with 'Charlie red' go home, fall asleep on the sofa.

You either manage to stay asleep for hours and then drag yourself up to bed where you remain until tomorrow mornings alarm bellows your name.
Or you get up, walk to a friends house, tell them you ate at home, go home, tell them you ate at the friends house. Shower, cry, back to bed.
Or you cook some egg whites, 2 of them. 30 calories and suddenly want to die.
Sometimes you binge and rush to the bathroom to throw up, glamorous. Shower, cut, cry, pray to a God you're not sure you even believe in to make it all stop 'Please, God, if you are there please just let me die in my sleep'.

The fog horn wakes you up and you're almost angry at the God you're not convinced is real for letting you live another day to repeat the bullsh*t that you call life. Watch the desperation on your families face because they just do not know what to do. Listen to the doctor tell you if you carry on you'll be dead and not batting an eyelid because that is what you want. Have therapy and be passed around from one person to the next over and over again because everyone is watching you drown and you're refusing to climb into the lifeboat they're offering.

That was my life. That is the life of so many. Eating disorders will not make you some sort of popular Victoria secret model look a like. They will, however, ruin your life and your families in the process. While every day recovering is a struggle even the worst days are better than a single day of letting the disordered thoughts win.

I am the heaviest I have ever been, the happiest I have ever been the healthiest I have ever been.

And if you are struggling, I urge to get help, scream and cry for it if you must but please do not let an eating disorder control your life anymore.
                                                       http://www.b-eat.co.uk/

BAE

It's the time of year again where all you love birds out their plaster yours and 'baes' relationship all over facebook - vom. Bae has bought you flowers or an x-box game and you've gone for a meal somewhere classier than mcdonalds and suddenly you feel like a prince/princess.

If you are one of those couples here is a quick reminder that there are 365 other days this year to make your partner feel loved or buy them chocolate and if it is such a rare occurrence that you feel the need to big it up on facebook you need to question how much of a prince/princess you really are to bae.

Maybe I'm saying this 'cause i'm a moody singleton who is secretly jealous of those receiving big bunches of flowers (Cause what girl does not like flowers.. even if they do die) but maybe I am saying this 'cause to my Bae I am a princess 24/7 and always have been and always will be...

So for those who do not know what BAE stands for: Before Anyone Else. and for me Bae is *drumroll*... Jesus.

So my Father (the heavenly one that is) is a King and that makes me a princess - Whoop whoop!

Not only that but, no matter what stupid mistakes I make or how moody I get, Bae loves me unconditionally, never any less than He does now and He couldn't possibly love me anymore than he does now - cool right?

And okay while Jesus is not going to turn up my door with a red rose he has given me so many other gifts - and they certainly last longer than flowers do! Hope, acceptance, forgiveness, joy and protection, and while you may argue that your boyf/girlf can give you all that can they give you.. Eternal life? Nope. Didn't think so! God is never going to leave me, stop loving me or let me down and that is absolutely wonderful.

Jesus is my Bae xoxox

(Oh and let me not forget.. He loves YOU unconditional too.)

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 

What 2015 has taught me

Seeing as last year I wrote down a few things that I had learned over the 365 days that made up 2014 I have decided it would only be fitting to do the same for 2015

• God is AMAZING. Last year I spoke about how good God is, but 'good' just doesn't do it justice this year, he is more than good. I have watched lives change, people become new and even had my life changed all thanks to the big Man. I can only hope that in 2016 I can witness more wonderful things and see lives be transformed and i can not wait to find out what He has in store for me.
• The male species are strange. Having previously paid more attention to anorexia than males this had never been an issue but this year its become clear to me that those of you with a penis are so confusing or so disgusting. Seriously if groping me in a night club, wolf whistling or asking me to be your 'fuck buddy' is your way of trying to 'pull' it isn't going to work. 
• Over thinking ruins things. Finally I realised I am not the only person who feels like a victim trapped in their own mind. STOP CREATING SCENARIOS IN YOUR HEAD THAT HAVE NOT AND WILL NOT HAPPEN(ED). You are just going to bugger things up, miss chances, ruin relationships and that ain't no fun.
• Education is quite important. Having spent my school years not attending, not trying and not caring I am regretting this now that I finally know where I want to go in life. Seriously, if you are still in school and you are reading this try your hardest because when it comes to being 20 and having to work twice as hard as the 16/17/18 year olds to get the same level qualifications is not fun. 
• There are nice people who work in mental health. HALLELUJAH - you just have to be patient until you find one (Only took me 6 years).
• Gaining weight is easy peasy. Losing it without resorting to old habits, is not.
• I make the worlds best cookies. I have the ability to eat 30 in one day, beat that.
• Prayer is powerful. You could argue that this is same as God is amazing.. but without prayer I wouldn't be able to function, cope or eat without feeling guilty.It's amazing how just offering to pray for someone can have such a massive impact on them.
• Sticks and stones may break my bones but words are even worse. Words have a bigger impact than what I originally thought they would, be careful with what comes out your mouth... 
• Be careful what you think. If you think about nothing but the bad, you'll see nothing but the bad. If you tell yourself it's going to be a bad day, it will be. 
• People will walk out of your life when you need them most. It hurts, but let go. If someone does not want to be in your life you can not make them stay there. 
• South Africa is home. Going back this year and spending time with inspiring, lovely, supportive people means i've already booked 2016's flights. If home is where the heart is then South Africa is home.
• Mental health is more important than money. Leaving a 8-6, 5 day a week job for a 3 day a week job where I am not surrounded by other females, gossip and toxic people has done wonders for mental health I might be poor but waking up for work is not always a chore anymore... even if I am dirt poor.
• Crying does not make you weak. If you need to cry, do it, let it all out. You will feel better for it, never mind ruining your mascara, just let that run down your face. The amount of people who have seen me cry this year is shocking but hey i'm only human.
• If it is not okay it is not the end.
  
  
  Considering I once told people I had no intention of living past the age of 16 (in 2011), I am excited to see what 2016 will bring, possibly university, certainly a holiday to sunny SA and who knows maybe I'll find a rich man to marry me - doubt it though.
  
  Here is to a happy and healthy 2016 for you all xxxxxx