Dearest younger Lydia I am incredibly sorry to tell you this but you did not become a butterfly when you grew up, I really am sorry. Turns out when people ask you what you want to be you can't actually become another species and you actually have to work hard. However let me tell you a secret, you found a King (his name is God) which makes you a princess and that's a gazillions times better than being a butterfly anyway.
Firstly, Im sorry Lydia that when ridiculous men touched you in inappropriate ways or groomed you that it took you so long to speak up. But Lydia I want you to know that all the hurt, confusion and shame, it goes. I promise you there is a life beyond scrubbing yourself in the shower and being scared every time you get a text message. There is a time when the nightmares stop and you realise that not every person who owns a penis is going to treat you like an object or try to win you like some sort of trophy. I know that fearing earthly men ruined so much for you but you've met someone who will never hurt you who has cleansed you and washed away the dirtiness you once felt - His name is Jesus and He really isn't like other men, He loves you more than you can imagine.
Lydia I also want to tell you that there is life beyond the eating disorder. I'm not sure what possessed you to throw away your lunch as an eight year old, I'm not sure how at the age of twelve you knew it was possible to make yourself throw up and I think you're an idiot for thinking that's a great idea. Wanting to be invisible so you couldn't receive unwanted male attention was one thing but then listening to the people who called you names was another. I wish you knew that those names didn't have to hurt. It's okay though, I know now that your identity isn't determined by the names people called you and continue to call you. Your identity is in Christ and he is looking at your heart and not at your waistline.
I also want you to know that the names you called yourself for so long were lies. You were not and are not worthless or ugly or a mistake. Oh Lydia if only you knew that He would have died for your sin even if you were the only other person to have walked the earth, that is how much you are valued. If only you knew that you are not a mistake, not created in some sort of freak IVF accident like you once believed but you were created by God and he has had a plan for your life since before the world began. Isn't that great Lydia? God does not make mistakes you are not a mistake if only you knew this then!
Lydia I wish I could go back in time to the innocent ten year old who decided cutting themselves was a good idea, I know you were unaware that it becomes an addiction if only you knew that you were ruining your body. I can't blame just you ten year old Lydia, even into adulthood you cut yourself leaving a large amount of your body covered in ugly scars that people gawk at. But Lydia let me tell you something amazing, you stop turning to sharp objects and start turning towards God in times of struggle. Oh Lydia if only we knew then what we know now, God has healed you! He has set you free.
Dear Lydia who hoped and prayed that her life would end and tried too many times to attempt to end it yourself. I know how much you cried when attempts didn't work or when you got too scared or when you woke up after hours of praying you wouldn't, I know how disappointed you were in yourself and in God. But Lydia, Lydia, you won't believe it when I tell you that now you're so grateful that your life didn't end, you're excited to be living. Remember that plan I mentioned earlier? It will be revealed one day and I'm glad we managed to stick around to see that life isn't all doom and gloom, not now that you have found the Light!.
Little Lydia, I wish you knew it was perfectly okay not to be okay, I wish you didn't hide. Larger Lydia I wish you knew sooner that blades, alcohol and handfuls of pills wasn't the best things to turn to, if only you knew that God loved (and still loves) you and that He alone was all you need to fill the void. If only you knew that life was worth living you might if lived it to the full.
Younger Lydia, the years of wasting away are not wasted though. God is going to use them for His glory oh Lydia, who would have guessed that all it took to break the chains that held you for so long was to discover who Jesus is! No perfect pill, no life changing doctor, nothing in your power Lyd just an awesome God.
Romans 8:18 “I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.”
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