I wish I knew why things suddenly seem so difficult. Things are supposed to be good aren't they? When you're a healthy weight and only work 3 days a week and get to feed ducks as and when you feel like it.
But for some reason they aren't. Everything is hard. Breathing, eating, sleeping, talking, moving.
My love hate relationship with recovery has taken a dive to the 'Hate' end of the scale. I can't think about anything other than losing weight and today for the first time in a long time I felt guilty for sitting down. Standing up burns more calories, if I had to sit it couldn't be still, i had to wiggle and fidget and tap and do anything I could to burn calories. I wish I knew why I'm losing control.
And have you ever sat in a room full of people and realized how lonely you are? Okay this one I get all the time. It's because i'm awkward. People and I, just don't mix. If I can actually hold down a conversation or even say 'Hello' to a person (And make eye contact for that second) I am doing well. It's lonely when you can't talk to people, when the fear or saying something wrong or sounding stupid physically stops you from being able to speak. It's horrible knowing that I'm different to everyone else. My fear of people is actually ridiculous, At church on Sunday I couldn't even go and be prayed for (something that I only ever managed to do in Africa) because I was scared of people seeing me, judging me, asking me questions. It's horrible.
I used to sleep all the time, it stopped me thinking, stopped me eating. But now falling asleep at night is pretty much impossible. I spend hours and hours lying in bed but can't sleep because my brain will not switch off because my thoughts are going at 600MPH. WhatshouldIeattomorrow/whatifihatemynewjob/whatifeveryonehatesme/iwonderhowmuchweightidloseif/oooohshiny/ishouldbeasleep/ivegotsofat/iwonderificanstilldoacartwheel/iwonderwhatiddoifieversathepersonwhoassaultedme/twinkletwinklelittlestar. It's almost like I have no control over my thoughts anymore and that freaks me out.
I wish I was normal.
Wednesday 11 February 2015
Tuesday 10 February 2015
Good thing im not a politician.
Dear Chris White,
You probably don't remember me, but you have the link to my blog, which you've probably never read. I met you in 2013 Lillington Youth Centre and it was clear that your understanding of mental illness was slim to nothing.
As I spoke to you I think you compared my depression to when you were at school at felt like you wasn't clever enough (or something along those lines...), I expressed my concerns about how the mental health system is actually appalling and it breaks my heart that if anything it's getting worse in Warwickshire.
I know people have phoned your office to talk about the current problem of the Crisis accommodation in Leamington closing and your staff have been nothing but rude. So here I am, writing to you via my blog that is viewed world wide and get's hundreds of viewers each time I post, so here's hoping when I send you this link, you'll be one of them).
Nick Clegg (Yes, I know he's not Conservative but is in joint coalition..) has called for a 'New Ambition of Zero Suicides across the NHS' But that would be making the impossible, possible. Despite being God's son even you can not perform such a miraculous thing, even in someone as small as lemington. Especially when the help available for Mental Health in Warwickshire is being made unavailable.
Assuming you have never suffered the grasp of a mental illness than you will never understand what those of us who do suffer have to go through on a daily basis. While I personally have not used the Crisis accommodation but have exhausted all other "Services" (I use that term lightly as My experience has been quite frankly, disgusting...) relatives of mine have so I'll add there words in...
"The crisis house, based in Leamington Spa, is run by the charity Rethink who are a nationwide mental health charity. Rethink are currently supported to deliver this facility with funding from the NHS but this critical funding is to be stopped and the building sold.
There are no plans to open another.
As many as 1 in 4 people suffer mental health problems and this facility both safeguards and protects those most vulnerable when in the deepest depths of despair. Therefore closure will not just be detrimental to the mental stability of those battling mental health conditions but the potential danger to life will be increased.
On a personal level as a service user I give my personal thanks for reading and signing this petition. It is an invaluable service that has made a vast difference in the darkest times of my life. People do not ask for a mental health illness, and it can feel relentless, especially if your diagnosis is long term and non-responsive to medication. We fight a war every day, often without a voice.
You probably don't remember me, but you have the link to my blog, which you've probably never read. I met you in 2013 Lillington Youth Centre and it was clear that your understanding of mental illness was slim to nothing.
As I spoke to you I think you compared my depression to when you were at school at felt like you wasn't clever enough (or something along those lines...), I expressed my concerns about how the mental health system is actually appalling and it breaks my heart that if anything it's getting worse in Warwickshire.
I know people have phoned your office to talk about the current problem of the Crisis accommodation in Leamington closing and your staff have been nothing but rude. So here I am, writing to you via my blog that is viewed world wide and get's hundreds of viewers each time I post, so here's hoping when I send you this link, you'll be one of them).
Nick Clegg (Yes, I know he's not Conservative but is in joint coalition..) has called for a 'New Ambition of Zero Suicides across the NHS' But that would be making the impossible, possible. Despite being God's son even you can not perform such a miraculous thing, even in someone as small as lemington. Especially when the help available for Mental Health in Warwickshire is being made unavailable.
Assuming you have never suffered the grasp of a mental illness than you will never understand what those of us who do suffer have to go through on a daily basis. While I personally have not used the Crisis accommodation but have exhausted all other "Services" (I use that term lightly as My experience has been quite frankly, disgusting...) relatives of mine have so I'll add there words in...
"The crisis house, based in Leamington Spa, is run by the charity Rethink who are a nationwide mental health charity. Rethink are currently supported to deliver this facility with funding from the NHS but this critical funding is to be stopped and the building sold.
There are no plans to open another.
As many as 1 in 4 people suffer mental health problems and this facility both safeguards and protects those most vulnerable when in the deepest depths of despair. Therefore closure will not just be detrimental to the mental stability of those battling mental health conditions but the potential danger to life will be increased.
The only alternative would be admission to the nearest psychiatric hospital which is already at breaking point being full to capacity. Park House has a significantly faster recovery rate compared to hospital admittance whilst offering a cost saving with beds charged at approximately £60 per bed per night, compared to £360 per bed per night in psychiatric ward.
On a personal level as a service user I give my personal thanks for reading and signing this petition. It is an invaluable service that has made a vast difference in the darkest times of my life. People do not ask for a mental health illness, and it can feel relentless, especially if your diagnosis is long term and non-responsive to medication. We fight a war every day, often without a voice.
It has given me time to build myself emotionally when fragile and being a non-threatening environment, allowing my children to visit without worrying about its impact.
In conclusion, closure will not only remove patient choice, resulting in unsuitable care, increase in self harm, but inevitably higher suicide rates."
The loss of this service is going to be a disastrous one. I've probably wasted my time writing this because you don't understand mental illnesses, so why would you want to help those suffering?
We spend our lives being invisible and ignored. As if our opinions and need's don't matter, so why would you treat us any differently?
I really hope that you will recognize how important services like these ones are when all the others are so poor.
Sincerely,
Lydia.
(And for anybody interested in signing a petition to stop the closure, Please click HERE)
The loss of this service is going to be a disastrous one. I've probably wasted my time writing this because you don't understand mental illnesses, so why would you want to help those suffering?
We spend our lives being invisible and ignored. As if our opinions and need's don't matter, so why would you treat us any differently?
I really hope that you will recognize how important services like these ones are when all the others are so poor.
Sincerely,
Lydia.
(And for anybody interested in signing a petition to stop the closure, Please click HERE)
Sunday 8 February 2015
Deleted.
I made a blog post the other day for 'Time to talk day' and after half an hour I deleted it. The post spoke about mental health, silence, stigma.
I deleted it.
I was scared. Scared of peoples reactions, scared that actually despite blogging about various illnesses for so long that people wouldn't accept me.
I am ashamed. I'm embarrassed that I have a distorted image of my body, and when people laugh when I say about my huge thighs or mangled face I want to the ground to swallow me up. I apparently see myself differently to other people. But it's not funny, when I say something about my body I am being deathly serious, but get turned into a joke.
I am disgusted. I'm embarrassed that I have a weird relationship with food. It breaks my heart when people point out how i'm eating too much or too little but there is no in between. I want to curl up into a ball and hide in a corner when people joke about bingeing and purging. I want to eat everything in sight yet at the same time I want to be empty. I am fighting a battle against my brain because it hates my body. That hurts.
I am scarred. And while I like to pretend that my scars show that I'm still fighting, they make me feel sick. I'm constantly tracing them, counting them (and there's well over 400...), poking, staring. Other people stare and other people ask questions and I die of embarrassment because what on earth would make somebody do that too themselves. The laughs and whispers break my heart and who's ever going to love someone that looks like they got into a fight with Edward scissor hands.
I am frightened. Of everything, people calories, opinions, conversations, reactions. My anxiety stops me from doing things that most normal people do. Going out for meals, going out in general, talking to people, leaving the house without makeup. I worry too much about nothing. It makes me so socially awkward that I'd rather sit in my bed all day than go out and meet people. It's lonely.
But deleting the post and being ashamed aren't going to raise awareness. Deleting the post doesn't change the fact that I am suffering. I am mentally ill, but there is more to me than that. Yes mental illness is a massive part of my life but it's not the only part.
I live for Sundays but Wednesdays are my favorite day. Jesus is pretty much my only friend. New pajamas make me happy and my bed is the love of my life. I love baking and doing things people don't expect. I miss my unicycle and can walk on stilts. I spend my life waiting for Cirque de Soleil to return to England. I like to pretend i'm a Princess and have two pretend birthdays a year. I make mistakes and rarely learn from them. I either care too much or not at all. I don't think before I speak and often say the wrong things. I like drinking tea and smoking amberleaf. I'm in love with South Africa and can not wait for my return. I love when people randomly ask if they can pray for me. People freak me out but I also find them fascinating. I love doing things for other people and making people smile. I think I'm hilarious though others disagree. I don't act 18 and like climbing trees. I don't think about the future and think too much about the past. I like getting flowers and making daisy chains. Bacon in the reason i'm no longer vegetarian. I am not my mental illnesses. I shouldn't be ashamed.
I deleted it.
I was scared. Scared of peoples reactions, scared that actually despite blogging about various illnesses for so long that people wouldn't accept me.
I am ashamed. I'm embarrassed that I have a distorted image of my body, and when people laugh when I say about my huge thighs or mangled face I want to the ground to swallow me up. I apparently see myself differently to other people. But it's not funny, when I say something about my body I am being deathly serious, but get turned into a joke.
I am disgusted. I'm embarrassed that I have a weird relationship with food. It breaks my heart when people point out how i'm eating too much or too little but there is no in between. I want to curl up into a ball and hide in a corner when people joke about bingeing and purging. I want to eat everything in sight yet at the same time I want to be empty. I am fighting a battle against my brain because it hates my body. That hurts.
I am scarred. And while I like to pretend that my scars show that I'm still fighting, they make me feel sick. I'm constantly tracing them, counting them (and there's well over 400...), poking, staring. Other people stare and other people ask questions and I die of embarrassment because what on earth would make somebody do that too themselves. The laughs and whispers break my heart and who's ever going to love someone that looks like they got into a fight with Edward scissor hands.
I am frightened. Of everything, people calories, opinions, conversations, reactions. My anxiety stops me from doing things that most normal people do. Going out for meals, going out in general, talking to people, leaving the house without makeup. I worry too much about nothing. It makes me so socially awkward that I'd rather sit in my bed all day than go out and meet people. It's lonely.
But deleting the post and being ashamed aren't going to raise awareness. Deleting the post doesn't change the fact that I am suffering. I am mentally ill, but there is more to me than that. Yes mental illness is a massive part of my life but it's not the only part.
I live for Sundays but Wednesdays are my favorite day. Jesus is pretty much my only friend. New pajamas make me happy and my bed is the love of my life. I love baking and doing things people don't expect. I miss my unicycle and can walk on stilts. I spend my life waiting for Cirque de Soleil to return to England. I like to pretend i'm a Princess and have two pretend birthdays a year. I make mistakes and rarely learn from them. I either care too much or not at all. I don't think before I speak and often say the wrong things. I like drinking tea and smoking amberleaf. I'm in love with South Africa and can not wait for my return. I love when people randomly ask if they can pray for me. People freak me out but I also find them fascinating. I love doing things for other people and making people smile. I think I'm hilarious though others disagree. I don't act 18 and like climbing trees. I don't think about the future and think too much about the past. I like getting flowers and making daisy chains. Bacon in the reason i'm no longer vegetarian. I am not my mental illnesses. I shouldn't be ashamed.
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