I've just had my last travel jab, and soon i'll be on my way to... the dentist. Eventually i'll be on my way to the airport, then germany then south africa. I feel sick.
BUT ANYWAY, I'M GOING TO BE THOUSANDS OF MILES AWAY FOR THE NEXT 6 WEEKS.
SO THIS IS GOODBYE, FOR NOW.
I hope all of you, whatever it is that you've got planned over the summer, have a fantastic time.
( I was going to write a long post but my head is spinning at 1000miles an hour so byeeeeeeeeeeee)
Thursday 17 July 2014
Sunday 13 July 2014
anxious.
I have packed for Africa, it was harder than I expected. I am anxious about everything. "How many pairs of pants will I need for 6 weeks?" must of come across as my biggest worry as I asked it about 50 times over the past two days. (12, I've packed 12 and im still not sure that's enough).
I am so anxious it hurts. My tummy is an a huge (very huge because my tummy is massive) knot. I've packed, unpacked and repacked my suitcase more times than I can count. Checked, double checked and triple checked that my passport is in my case. I wish thats where the anxiety ended but unfortunately it's not.
I'm scared to leave my family behind and I'm scared of how much will have changed by the time I get back. I'm scared to leave those of my friends that suffer with mental-illness and often come to me just to chat. I'm worried that something bad might happen while I'm there.
I am anxious about meeting new people, I hate people. I hate using other people's toilets/showers/baths let alone sleeping in a bed somebody else has slept in. I'm anxious about eating in front of strangers because they'll sit there and laugh at how the fat girl is stuffing her face. And don't even get me started on being seen in a swimming-costume, I look like a whale and everyone will judge me. How can I lose a stone in 3 days?
I'm petrified that my mental health will get worse and I won't be able to cope and become needy/emotional/withdrawn and ruin things for everyone. I'm terrified that I will do what I do best and just get in the way. And what if nobody likes me?!
On the bright side I will not be able to binge for 6 weeks so maybe I will find some normality. I'm going to see a part of the world that not many people my age have seen and have loads of new experiences. I get 6 weeks off of work and it'll be my birthday. I'll be with my best-friend and who know's I might even get a tan. But none of that changes the fact that it feels like i'm either about to explode or puke.
I am terrified and excited at the same time and this is an odd feeling.
I am so anxious it hurts. My tummy is an a huge (very huge because my tummy is massive) knot. I've packed, unpacked and repacked my suitcase more times than I can count. Checked, double checked and triple checked that my passport is in my case. I wish thats where the anxiety ended but unfortunately it's not.
I'm scared to leave my family behind and I'm scared of how much will have changed by the time I get back. I'm scared to leave those of my friends that suffer with mental-illness and often come to me just to chat. I'm worried that something bad might happen while I'm there.
I am anxious about meeting new people, I hate people. I hate using other people's toilets/showers/baths let alone sleeping in a bed somebody else has slept in. I'm anxious about eating in front of strangers because they'll sit there and laugh at how the fat girl is stuffing her face. And don't even get me started on being seen in a swimming-costume, I look like a whale and everyone will judge me. How can I lose a stone in 3 days?
I'm petrified that my mental health will get worse and I won't be able to cope and become needy/emotional/withdrawn and ruin things for everyone. I'm terrified that I will do what I do best and just get in the way. And what if nobody likes me?!
On the bright side I will not be able to binge for 6 weeks so maybe I will find some normality. I'm going to see a part of the world that not many people my age have seen and have loads of new experiences. I get 6 weeks off of work and it'll be my birthday. I'll be with my best-friend and who know's I might even get a tan. But none of that changes the fact that it feels like i'm either about to explode or puke.
I am terrified and excited at the same time and this is an odd feeling.
Thursday 3 July 2014
Deja Vu
I apologize for the fact i'm going to mention africa and weight again.
I GO TO AFRICA IN TWO WEEKS! I've gained back all the weight I lost. I am fatter than I have ever been and I know why. I have lost control. I've been very, very, very emotional recently, my mental health is quickly declining, I have lost control of everything. Food is included in that. In fact food was the only thing I've ever been able to control.
I wake up every day, weigh myself and have breakfast. Usually a banana, I then tell myself i'm not going to eat for the rest of the day. By the end of my work day I'm tired, emotional and very hungry. I get home, I binge. I hate myself. I punish myself. I go to bed. I repeat this day in and day out and I'm always telling myself that tomorrow will be different.
Tomorrow is always the same, just a different number on the scale, a bigger number, a scarier number. The higher the number gets the more I hate myself.
I have two weeks to lose like 10stone... I can't cope with the skin i'm in.
I GO TO AFRICA IN TWO WEEKS! I've gained back all the weight I lost. I am fatter than I have ever been and I know why. I have lost control. I've been very, very, very emotional recently, my mental health is quickly declining, I have lost control of everything. Food is included in that. In fact food was the only thing I've ever been able to control.
I wake up every day, weigh myself and have breakfast. Usually a banana, I then tell myself i'm not going to eat for the rest of the day. By the end of my work day I'm tired, emotional and very hungry. I get home, I binge. I hate myself. I punish myself. I go to bed. I repeat this day in and day out and I'm always telling myself that tomorrow will be different.
Tomorrow is always the same, just a different number on the scale, a bigger number, a scarier number. The higher the number gets the more I hate myself.
I have two weeks to lose like 10stone... I can't cope with the skin i'm in.
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