When I was in Africa I had a love hate relationship with food. The first 10 days I was there I just couldn't bring myself to eat anything, as a result I fainted, I lost weight and my size 4 shorts wouldn't stay up.
After that I began eating not really by choice but to make everyone else happy. Which in turn led to me bingeing most days, my weight crept up, my size 4 shorts now don't do up.
I gained 9kgs. My jeans don't fit and my stomach bulges out more than it ever has. My thighs touch and my face is just a ball of fat with a new chin added on... sexy. I hate myself for it.
Yet while I see a new thick layer of blubber suffocating my body everyone else doesn't seem to see the same. I see a morbid obese person looking unhealthily fat. Everyone else just see's, me?
Everyones been telling me theyve never seen me look this "good", i've looked so "alive", I look "healthy, beautiful, glowing" and someone even said "I can look at you now, before I couldn't you just looked sick" and everytime someone compliments me on my weight gain I feel another piece of my heart break off, it feel's like everyone is stabbing me.
It feels like everyone Is lying about what they say, I look fat and that is all there is too it.
I know everyone means well but if everybody could stop commenting on my physical appearance I would appreciate that, until I've either lost some of this excess weight or come to terms with the fact that this is my body.
Sunday 31 August 2014
Saturday 30 August 2014
anxious adulthood.
It only dawned on me last night when I got ID'd for buying alcohol that I am actually an adult. When I was younger all I wanted to do was grow up as quickly as possible thinking I was a "Big girl" at 4 years old and not letting anybody treat me as child from the age of about ten.
But I don't want to be an adult, I still feel like the fragile-heartsore-scaredofeverybody nine year old that I was, but I just look different now. I'm okay with some aspects of being an adult, you know like alcohol.. and going to work everyday.. but the rest of me wants to still be a child, because I'm scared of the most pathetic things.
Going into shops makes me nervous and if a member of staff asks if they can help me I panic and leave (even if i found exactly what i was looking for). People on tills make me nervous and i'm thankful when a shop has self checkouts. I'm for the most part scared of anybody over 35. I've received so many inappropriate texts from old men who won't leave me alone that sometimes I even panic when I see i've got a message and talking on the phone makes me feel sick, if my phone rings and someone else is close by I get them to answer it and I'd never phone to make an appointment.
Paying rent just seems like a waste of money when I'm never at home because I'm working all day for practically nothing an hour. I threw my letter about voting in the bin because I've not got a clue about politics and my vote wouldn't matter anyway. I get far too panicky in cars so I probably won't learn to drive. I make people talk on my behalf and decisions are never my own, and I'm sure i'm doing this adult-thing wrong.
If you asked 10 year old me what my life would be like when I was finally an adult i'd of said something like "I'd be confident and not living with mummy and daddy i'd have lots of money a good job and a nice car and maybe i'll get married" and 10 year old me couldn't have got it more wrong.
1 Peter 5:7 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
But I don't want to be an adult, I still feel like the fragile-heartsore-scaredofeverybody nine year old that I was, but I just look different now. I'm okay with some aspects of being an adult, you know like alcohol.. and going to work everyday.. but the rest of me wants to still be a child, because I'm scared of the most pathetic things.
Going into shops makes me nervous and if a member of staff asks if they can help me I panic and leave (even if i found exactly what i was looking for). People on tills make me nervous and i'm thankful when a shop has self checkouts. I'm for the most part scared of anybody over 35. I've received so many inappropriate texts from old men who won't leave me alone that sometimes I even panic when I see i've got a message and talking on the phone makes me feel sick, if my phone rings and someone else is close by I get them to answer it and I'd never phone to make an appointment.
Paying rent just seems like a waste of money when I'm never at home because I'm working all day for practically nothing an hour. I threw my letter about voting in the bin because I've not got a clue about politics and my vote wouldn't matter anyway. I get far too panicky in cars so I probably won't learn to drive. I make people talk on my behalf and decisions are never my own, and I'm sure i'm doing this adult-thing wrong.
If you asked 10 year old me what my life would be like when I was finally an adult i'd of said something like "I'd be confident and not living with mummy and daddy i'd have lots of money a good job and a nice car and maybe i'll get married" and 10 year old me couldn't have got it more wrong.
1 Peter 5:7 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
Friday 29 August 2014
South Africa + God.
I attempted to write a blogpost from my mobile, it did't work...
"It's Friday 15th August, 11pm. In two weeks time I'll be back in England and I don't want that. I want to stay here and my main reason for that is God.
Every person i've had the pleasure of meeting has such a strong faith in God it's awesome, it seems like the most important things to people are Jesus, prayer and family. I unfortunate can't say the same about us English folk.
Everyone of these people has a story and a struggle, yet they all talk about how blessed they are"
An elderly woman who's lost all her family told me she's blessed because her purse is never empty so she's always able to help people who need it most. I had the pleasure of meeting a mother and daughter who just a couple of weeks before hand lost a family member and I think anyone would of understood if they were to just lose faith in God, not trust him, be angry... But their love for and trust in him is as clear as day.
I met people who are in debt up to their eyeballs but instead of questioning why the Lord wasn't helping them financially they thanked him every day for the food they had in front of them. I even heard people in the street talking about how good God is, despite people having so little their love for God is so big.
Peoples love for others was also evident, I was made welcome by practically everybody I met while I was there and I fell in love with the church. I even got prayed for, the only time someone else has ever offered to pray for me was a pastor telling me I am 'possessed'. I was prayed for by the mother and daughter I spoke about previously and their acceptance and patience with me is something i've never had and something I can not thank them enough for. In England people seem to barely make time for the members of their own church, but for these two people to pray for some weird foreign girl despite going through a tough time is what makes these women two of the most wonderful people I met.
If the churches here were like the ones in South Africa maybe the church wouldn't get such a bad name and it certainly wouldn't be labeled as 'boring'. And who knows, maybe if we actually prayed for one another miracles might happen.
(im sorry if this post makes no sense whatsoever... it's bedtime)
"It's Friday 15th August, 11pm. In two weeks time I'll be back in England and I don't want that. I want to stay here and my main reason for that is God.
Every person i've had the pleasure of meeting has such a strong faith in God it's awesome, it seems like the most important things to people are Jesus, prayer and family. I unfortunate can't say the same about us English folk.
Everyone of these people has a story and a struggle, yet they all talk about how blessed they are"
An elderly woman who's lost all her family told me she's blessed because her purse is never empty so she's always able to help people who need it most. I had the pleasure of meeting a mother and daughter who just a couple of weeks before hand lost a family member and I think anyone would of understood if they were to just lose faith in God, not trust him, be angry... But their love for and trust in him is as clear as day.
I met people who are in debt up to their eyeballs but instead of questioning why the Lord wasn't helping them financially they thanked him every day for the food they had in front of them. I even heard people in the street talking about how good God is, despite people having so little their love for God is so big.
Peoples love for others was also evident, I was made welcome by practically everybody I met while I was there and I fell in love with the church. I even got prayed for, the only time someone else has ever offered to pray for me was a pastor telling me I am 'possessed'. I was prayed for by the mother and daughter I spoke about previously and their acceptance and patience with me is something i've never had and something I can not thank them enough for. In England people seem to barely make time for the members of their own church, but for these two people to pray for some weird foreign girl despite going through a tough time is what makes these women two of the most wonderful people I met.
If the churches here were like the ones in South Africa maybe the church wouldn't get such a bad name and it certainly wouldn't be labeled as 'boring'. And who knows, maybe if we actually prayed for one another miracles might happen.
(im sorry if this post makes no sense whatsoever... it's bedtime)
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