Today is one of those rare days in England where the sun is actually shining, and believe it or not, it's warm! I hate days like this. I love the sunshine, hate the warmth.
Warm weather means it's not normal to hide under 5 layers of clothes to keep warm. For most it means short sleeves and shorter shorts. For someone who began self harming in 2006 it means covering up from head to toe and boiling half to death. Well maybe not boiling to death but getting pretty close.
Sunshine and scars don't mix. While the rest of the world seem to be wearing weather-appropriate many self harmers are hiding behind sleeves and trousers. Me being one of those people. Don't get me wrong I am not ashamed of my scars, i'm not proud either, but i'm not ashamed. I am on the other hand embarrassed, it feels like everyone else in the world knows how to cope in ways which don't involve self-inflicted pain.
I honestly admire anyone who can walk around and not care about the looks and comments they get when people see the scars. I'd also like to point out to ignorant people that just because someone isn't hiding their scars doesn't mean they are 'attention seeking'.
(I went out and forgot to publish or even finish this post now i've lost my train of thought and it's freezing now instead of warm but whatever)
Saturday 29 March 2014
Friday 28 March 2014
don't pull the trigger!
As i've mentioned approximately 3 billion times before, recovery is hard. Now, Please remember that when I talk about 'recovery' it's always going to be my own personal experience and 90% of the time will mean Eating Disorder recovery.
If you haven't guessed, this post i will be talking mainly about triggers. By that I don't mean what initially triggered (or caused) the illness/disorder as that's not always a simple thing to recognize. I mean the smaller things that have a negative impact on recovery. The word 'Trigger' is used to describe a situation or certain thing that lead to disordered behaviors or thoughts.
So using an eating disorder as an example some triggers might be other people talking about their weight loss. People talking about the person in recovery's weight (eg. someone saying "You look healthy" is often interpreted as you've got fat) other triggers might be going out to eat at an unfamiliar place or clothes that once fitted becoming too tight.
It is important that if you are recovering from a mental illness you can identify what triggers you so you can learn to either cope with or avoid those situations. If you're a recovering alcoholic and you know going to the pub triggers you to drink then perhaps decline invites to the pub. Its vital that you don't put yourself into a situation you know will cause a lapse.
Self care is also a really important part of recovery. Try to avoid isolating yourself, allow yourself to be kind to yourself and try to think positively, maybe even treat yourself! (After all you do deserve it, and the voice telling you that you don't is a liar). Allow yourself to relax and have a long soak in the bath. Do what you have to do and do it for you. Click HERE for some simple tips.
(Ps. My blog is officially a year old! so 3000 views in 15 countries, 54 posts, and 367 days later here we are! Thankyou to everyone who's ever read my blog, it's a bit crap but you all keep clicking the link anyway!)
If you haven't guessed, this post i will be talking mainly about triggers. By that I don't mean what initially triggered (or caused) the illness/disorder as that's not always a simple thing to recognize. I mean the smaller things that have a negative impact on recovery. The word 'Trigger' is used to describe a situation or certain thing that lead to disordered behaviors or thoughts.
So using an eating disorder as an example some triggers might be other people talking about their weight loss. People talking about the person in recovery's weight (eg. someone saying "You look healthy" is often interpreted as you've got fat) other triggers might be going out to eat at an unfamiliar place or clothes that once fitted becoming too tight.
It is important that if you are recovering from a mental illness you can identify what triggers you so you can learn to either cope with or avoid those situations. If you're a recovering alcoholic and you know going to the pub triggers you to drink then perhaps decline invites to the pub. Its vital that you don't put yourself into a situation you know will cause a lapse.
Self care is also a really important part of recovery. Try to avoid isolating yourself, allow yourself to be kind to yourself and try to think positively, maybe even treat yourself! (After all you do deserve it, and the voice telling you that you don't is a liar). Allow yourself to relax and have a long soak in the bath. Do what you have to do and do it for you. Click HERE for some simple tips.
(Ps. My blog is officially a year old! so 3000 views in 15 countries, 54 posts, and 367 days later here we are! Thankyou to everyone who's ever read my blog, it's a bit crap but you all keep clicking the link anyway!)
Tuesday 11 March 2014
Ramblings
I wish it was acceptable to just be like 'You know what, today I'm having a bad mental health day and I need support/a hug/my bed/alone time.'But, unfortunately, it's not.
For me every day is hard, but some days are unimaginably hard. Not for any particular reason and not for reasons people understand. It's not like I have deadline to meet, exams to sit or something like a funeral to attend. The days are not hard in that sense.
They're hard because I want to be as useless as I feel. I want to crawl back into bed and not wake up for at least 10 years. I don't want to talk or eat or move or exist. Today was one of those days. Usually that would mean actually going back to bed and staring at the ceiling for hours upon hours, but my job stops me from doing that.
And it's hard because the anti-depressants don't work and the motivation to recover is lost and I can't sleep to stop my brain from going 100 miles an hour.
I don't know why I'm writing this so I'm going to stop because it doesn't make it sense and its not going anywhere.
For me every day is hard, but some days are unimaginably hard. Not for any particular reason and not for reasons people understand. It's not like I have deadline to meet, exams to sit or something like a funeral to attend. The days are not hard in that sense.
They're hard because I want to be as useless as I feel. I want to crawl back into bed and not wake up for at least 10 years. I don't want to talk or eat or move or exist. Today was one of those days. Usually that would mean actually going back to bed and staring at the ceiling for hours upon hours, but my job stops me from doing that.
And it's hard because the anti-depressants don't work and the motivation to recover is lost and I can't sleep to stop my brain from going 100 miles an hour.
I don't know why I'm writing this so I'm going to stop because it doesn't make it sense and its not going anywhere.
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