4 hours of broken sleep and the 8 am alarm for school refuses to be silenced - there is no snooze button on parents. Drag your tired body out of bed and walk down two flights of stairs to the bathroom with the scale in it. Exhausted. Take off anything that could weigh anything, pajamas, hair bobbles.. yes take off the hair bobble because it might make you weigh more. Stand shivering until the scale is ready. Look what Stones and Lbs are displayed and quickly flick through the settings to Lbs and Oz and Kgs. Needing to know 3 different ways of saying what you weigh is important. Move the scale to a different floor tile and repeat the process no less than six times work out the average.
The number on the scale has gone down? Great! Don't eat and it will drop further down!
The number on the scale has gone up? You fat whore. Don't eat to make up for it!
The number on the scale has maintained? You are a disappointment. Don't eat.
You're 6 stone yet all you can see is a body covered in fat.
Return the scale to tile number one, throw on the school clothes that used to fit but now hang off your body. Mum wants you to eat breakfast? Okay... 68 calorie cereal bar, can you get away with eating half? or quarter? is anyone watching? Take it out the wrapper put it in your bag and put the wrapper in the bin. Put lunch in bag. Brush teeth, don't brush hair it's falling out. Wash face, go to school. Use a stupid app to tell you how many calories the walk to school is burning, throw sandwiches and the remaining cereal bar in the bin. Feel guilty for doing so but at the same time feel proud for being a sly little bitch who will get away with not eating for another day! Get to school and the day is a blur. If you don't hang around with people nobody can question if or why you haven't eaten lunch. You don't need friends at this stage in the game, you have not got this skinny to listen to people tell you you need to eat. It was hurting everyone, them watching you shrink killed them inside, so pushing them away works out best for you all. They don't need to be concerned, you don't need to listen to the 'what have you eaten today?'
Convince yourself that even the smell of somebody elses food can make you gain weight. There is definitely calories floating in the smell and now they're going up your nose. Feel guilty, go to the toilets, cut - because it is important that you carry a weapon with you at all time to fight this war against yourself. Back to lessons, count down the hours or minutes until the end of the day. Walk home the long way so nobody see's you spark up a fag. You were always against smoking but you read on a website filled with tips that smoking can curb your appetite and at this point you are starving. No surprise, you haven't had a proper meal in weeks. Spray entire body with 'Charlie red' go home, fall asleep on the sofa.
You either manage to stay asleep for hours and then drag yourself up to bed where you remain until tomorrow mornings alarm bellows your name.
Or you get up, walk to a friends house, tell them you ate at home, go home, tell them you ate at the friends house. Shower, cry, back to bed.
Or you cook some egg whites, 2 of them. 30 calories and suddenly want to die.
Sometimes you binge and rush to the bathroom to throw up, glamorous. Shower, cut, cry, pray to a God you're not sure you even believe in to make it all stop 'Please, God, if you are there please just let me die in my sleep'.
The fog horn wakes you up and you're almost angry at the God you're not convinced is real for letting you live another day to repeat the bullsh*t that you call life. Watch the desperation on your families face because they just do not know what to do. Listen to the doctor tell you if you carry on you'll be dead and not batting an eyelid because that is what you want. Have therapy and be passed around from one person to the next over and over again because everyone is watching you drown and you're refusing to climb into the lifeboat they're offering.
That was my life. That is the life of so many. Eating disorders will not make you some sort of popular Victoria secret model look a like. They will, however, ruin your life and your families in the process. While every day recovering is a struggle even the worst days are better than a single day of letting the disordered thoughts win.
I am the heaviest I have ever been, the happiest I have ever been the healthiest I have ever been.
And if you are struggling, I urge to get help, scream and cry for it if you must but please do not let an eating disorder control your life anymore.
http://www.b-eat.co.uk/
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