Letting go

This whole recovery thing is harder than I thought. In fact it would be so much easier to just carry on the path of self-destruct, why change the habit of a life time?

3 meals a day is disgusting and I can't stop engaging in disordered behaviors. I was a fool to think I could.

Attempting to recover feels like losing a best friend. The only thing that has been with me constantly for the past 9 years is my eating disorder. So it's loyal, right? The grooming, the abuse, in sickness and in health, in South Africa, during my exams the only thing that has been with me through all that is my eating disorder. What do I turn to in times of need or desperation or when I am lacking control, my eating disorder and it hasn't left me yet, so why should I leave it now?

I have spent years leaning the calorie contents in different foods, I spend my entire life thinking about what I am and what I am not going to eat, trying to convince myself i'm not hungry the bingeing when the opportunity arises. If I give up on my eating disorder now, what will I think about? What will I do?

This whole 'six pack' thing, do I really want one? Or do I just want an excuse to exercise.

People are talking to me like I'm already recovered and that scares me. I'm not recovered, not yet. I can't let go.

"Do you remember when you went on an 'egg diet'?"
"Remember how slowly you used to eat, it took you an hour to eat a fairy cake!"
"You only did your charity bike ride as an excuse to over-exercise, remember?"`
The worst one by far though is "I'm proud of you"
Proud of what? I am exactly the same just a little bit fatter. I'm exactly the same but a little more social. I'm exactly the same insecure, fat, failure that I always have been,

I can't escape it. I can't, I can't, I can't.