Trigger warning: Victim blaming.

Imagine a girl has gone for a few drinks in town, she's wearing heals and a tight dress that barley covers her boobs or bum. She's drunk to the point where she hasn't a clue what she's doing. Someone offers to walk her home it's 3am, she's alone so she takes that person up on their offer. Maybe this girl passes out, maybe not. But he has sex with her, non-consented sex.  Perhaps because she's passed out, perhaps because she's too drunk to physically say no. Perhaps because he thought because of what she was wearing that's okay. It's not, that is rape. (I'm not just talking about rape, any form of sexual assault is included)

Far too often victims are blamed for their assaults. 'She was drunk/ well if you wore more clothes you'd be fine/ she's slept with X amount of other people so it's okay/ she didn't say no (but was passed out on a bench)' We live in a society filled with people who try to teach woman not to get assault instead of teaching men not to assault*.

One of the arguments that girls ask for rape /sexual assault is because of the clothes they wear (Shorts, skirts, dresses, low cut tops) Females shouldn't be expected to change the way they dress because its more convenient for a rapists lack of control. In fact when I was assaulted I was wearing my school uniform, tell me now I was 'asking' for it?

There shouldn't be so much victim blaming when somebody is assaulted. It's like telling a wealthy man who gets mugged that he was basically asking for it because he was wearing a suit and gives to charity so it was obvious he likes just 'giving it away' and maybe he shouldn't of been on his own in the town where he's lived his whole life and no, just no. You wouldn't blame victims of other crimes.

No means no, not saying anything means no, not now means no. The only thing that means yes is yes. Alcohol doesn't mean consent. Clothes doesn't mean consent. Not saying no, but not saying yes either does not mean consent.

Anyway this is the end of my half asleep 2.30am rant that probably makes no sense whatsoever, goodnight x
*I know men get assaulted to

I hate the word fat.

We live in a society that promotes skinny. A society that fat shames. A society that cares so much about looks that nobody cares about the inside anymore. Young girls and boys are being told that if they don't look a certain way that they do not fit in. Except nobody realizes that if our definition of beautiful got any smaller nobody would fit, not even the size 0 girls, sorry!

Every where we look weightloss is the focus and fat is perceived as ugly, lazy, unhealthy, greedy... TV adverts tell us if we take this diet pill, or do this exercise or join this group or follow this diet we will lose weight and be happy. But skinny does not mean happy. Skinny is not a cure for the underlying issues. Having  skinny parading in front of us in the form of mannequins, models and actors/actresses in our favorite program just is not okay.

Poking fun at 'fat' people is almost second nature now and it needs to stop. Just because someone is not below a size 12 doesn't mean they aren't human. Whatever size a person is they have feelings, needs, wants, hopes and dreams just like everybody else. Why should it matter what size someone is, beauty doesn't need to be defined by the size of someones jeans, the size of someones waist shouldn't affect their worth. The number on the scales does not measure how wonderful a person is! The outside isn't even important so why does everyone care so much about how they look as well as how everyone else looks.

In the olden days (My history is terrible) being larger was a good thing, it showed you had wealth or something like that. Not too many years ago size 0 didn't exist and Marilyn Monroe was considered a beautiful model. These days she would be considered as 'plus size'. People wonder why so many girls have eating disorders, they weren't born hating their bodies though, they were taught how to. We taught them that skinny is beautiful, strong, the key to success. Skinny means having great friends, a boyfriend, and an end to all our problems.

Skinny is beautiful, but you know what? So is fat, so is average, curvy, tall, short, freckles, blonde hair, ginger hair, brown hair, white skin, black skin and everything in-between-skin, blue eyes, green eyes, brown eyes, short hair, long hair, no hair, wide thighs, thigh gaps, big feet, small feet (Actually, as a general rule feet are vile). Contact lenses, glasses, slanty eyes, normal eyes, wang eyes, curly hair, straight hair, skinny arms, muscly arms, big arms, small tummies, wide tummies. Whatever you look like, whatever you weigh, you are beautiful, society is the ugly one.

Bikini body!

In England we've had four consecutive days of sun, which is quite frankly a miracle. So as summer is approaching and people will soon be jetting off on holiday I've heard a lot of talk about getting a 'Summer body / Bikini body' So here is my post on how to get a Bikini body (I know what you're thinking, how can a fat person even do a post on that....)

Honestly, there is minimum effort required to get the perfect bikini body, you might think dieting and exercise are a massive part of that but really they're not! There's two even simpler steps:

     1. Buy a Bikini
     2. Wear it

See how easy that is? You don't have to be size 0 to wear a bikini, you don't have to be size 8 either, you can be size 20 for all I care if you want to wear a bikini wear a bikini. Every person should love their body regardless as to what shape they're in. If they're comfortable in a bikini let them wear it - why? Because self acceptance is more valuable than the dress size you're in. Self acceptance is more valuable than having a flat stomach.

Being beautiful doesn't mean having to skip meals, eat too many salads, or exercise for hours at a time. Being beautiful means to be yourself - if you want to have a Mcdonalds just have a Mcdonalds. You don't need to be accepted by other people you just need to accept yourself. So if you want to wear a bikini, just wear one.  You do not need anyone else's approval!

"There is nothing wrong with your body, but there is a lot wrong with the messages that try to convince you otherwise. "

F.R.I.E.N.D.S

I'm going to include as many songs in this post as possible.. So there will be a link attacked to certain words that relate to certain songs.. (so click on the pink words and judge my choice in song) because the friend this is aimed at will understand why i've done that.

So if you haven't guessed this post is about friends (or a friend).. Not as in the hilarious TV program but as in the hilarious person (Or people, haven't decided which yet). Now I have a handful of wonderful friends and while I love each of them dearly I've never really had a friend who's so similar to me it's scary, because i'm a slight bit odd.

I have a hard time making friends, My nursery report spoke about how I preferred to speak to the adults rather than people my own age and my year2 report mentioned how I'd struggled to make friends due to my lack of confidence. I spent a lot of time with the lunchtime supervisors as opposed to people my own age (Dot was my fave, she got me birthday presents - sorry st.pauls kids if i'm making you jealous). To this day i'd sooner have conversation with older people than people my own age, perhaps that's just a little bit weird. I'm not even classed as a friend most the time because of the age gaps. I'm kind of just there (well that's what I thought anyway...Familyfriend/girlfromchurch/whatever)

Until this was said to me "I asked God for a friend, and well, I didn't expect them to be so young". Well something along those lines anyway. God can work in mysterious ways, i'm not saying I am an answer to prayer or whatever, but I do believe God has a lot to do with us being friends. Turns out we have been through or are still going through some of the same things, its quite scary really. With out realizing until now she's actually an answer to my prayers too.

It's really hard to find a friend who understands, who you can trust, who gets your sense of humor (instead of getting offended, oooooops). But also who you can understand and who hopefully trusts you as well but lucky for me Gods gifted me with that friend, hooray! So, thankyou Lord. But also thankyou, person, for everything you've done for me without even realizing, just thanks for everything! You're amazing and its about time you realized that. I was about to type something then realized I couldn't because it would be obvious as to who you are, so i'm going off now before I give it away.

One last note to say... You're wonderful, okay? Glad you agree. No homo xoxox
(And for all you friendless people out there, God's pretty good, maybe if you pray to him he'll give you a friend like mine...obviously not quite as wonderful though. (in fact Gods a pretty amazing friend as well)) 

My little chindian

To my dearest darling Chloe,

This post is dedicated to you because you've asked so many times that's actually annoying. But considering I promised I guess I owe you that much and a lot more because you're just so fab.

To any readers who are thinking who is Chloe? well I'll tell you! Chloe is a 5 foot tall girl with close to 400 freckles on her face and as beautiful as she is on the outside she's even prettier on the inside. Chloe has a heart of gold, most of the time ;) and she listens to me moan about life at 3 in the morning and no matter how many times I go on and on about the same rubbish she still doesn't tell me to shut up.

So Chloe, this post is kind of a thank-you. A thank you for being one of the few people I can trust, a thank you for sending me raps and pictures of spud a thank you for everything you've done for me with out realizing it. You are an absolute gem and I don't know where I would be without you to be honest. I honestly hope that one day you'll be super happy and that I can help you as much as you've helped me.

You're amazing Miss Mehta and I sincerely hope that you'll realize that one day as well as realizing how beautiful you are. So, 3 cheers to you, mate just for being you!

Hip hip, hooray!
Hip hip, hooray!
Hip hip, hooray!

Procrastination

I should be doing my college work, but it's too hard and i'm too dumb. So instead i'm playing candy crush, listening to this and writing a blog post because of an ignorant tweet. If this makes the slightest bit of sense then that's wonderful

But here is my wonderful rant about a tweet a saw saying "I wish I was anorexic", I'm assuming they mean they wish they were skinny. Anorexic isn't a synonym for skinny, is that clear? Eating disorders come in one size, and it isn't skinny. It's miserable. Whether you fit into size 0 jeans or size 30 jeans you will be miserable and that is guaranteed.

Anorexia isn't all rainbows and butterflies it isn't all thighgaps, hip bones and male attention. Anorexia isn't a magical cure for all your problems, anorexia isn't beautiful or glamorous or something to strive towards. So why oh why would you wish a mental illness upon yourself, a mental illness in which 1 in 5 sufferers will die prematurely. Anorexia isn't the definition of skinny, happy and beautiful. Anorexia isn't having a bikini body, feeling comfortable in your own skin or the latest in-fashion accessory.

Anorexia is, on the other hand, clumps of hair falling out while lanugo hair grows on your face and arms. It is never being good enough for yourself. It is skipping meals and lying to those closest to you. It's shivering in the middle of summer because your body cant keep you warm. It's hating your body, stepping on scales that weigh your self-worth. It's nights spent crying because you ate more than 100 calories. It's family members and friends stood watching feeling helpless as you dig yourself an early grave with your own knife and fork. It's thinking about food 24/7 but not having the courage to eat it.  It's infertility, malnutrition, heart failure, death.

Wishing an eating disorder upon yourself is stupid, rant over.

Reflections

It's been almost a year since I left school and it's scary how quick it's gone. It doesn't seem like 12 months since I was sat with Holly in science talking about Mrs Byrnes tights or something stupid like that. Anyway that's not the point. They say school years are the best years of your life, now after spending many months out of education I can easily say for me personally that isn't true.

I remember by the end of august thinking ''Crap, everyone else starts sixth form or college in a couple of week's time and here I am with out a plan''. And in some senses, I still don't have a plan. I struggled a lot and people made jokes about how I was being 'a bum' or 'a dosser' and I guess they were right. I had all that time to decide what I wanted to do (Okay, I did have a few hiccups along the way that made things harder) But I was willing to just sit at home instead and that's exactly what I did while all my peers did something with their lives.

While I loved staying in bed every single day while everyone else sat in boring lessons it also became lonely. I didn't speak to anyone or even leave the house much and my depression got worse. Anyway that's a whole different story, by the beginning of October I was volunteering in a community cafe. It was one day a week, which wasn't too bad because I still had six lie-ins but I hated it, I hated being with people, I hated strangers, I hated being anywhere that wasn't my bed. But unlike everything else i've done in my life, this i didn't just give up with after the first few weeks.

I didn't really notice until people mentioned but I've come so far from being the girl who stood in the cafe kitchen without making conversation, who wanted so badly to be anywhere but there. I actually enjoy being at the cafe now and I'd never of expected to have stuck it out this long (I honestly believe God has a lot to do with all of this). I've met wonderful people and achieved things I'd never in a million years thought that I would achieve. Things that even other people wouldn't expect me to have done.

So basically to conclude, school years aren't always the best years of your life. The end.

Caution: Mental Illness.

Why is mental health something that very few people seem able to talk about? There's more people with mental illness than there is with dandruff. I know a staggering amount of people with various mental illnesses who don't talk about it and struggle on their own. But why?

I'm well aware it's not the easiest subject to bring up, I know for me personally when my mind is screaming loudly my mouth falls silent. Why are we too ashamed to speak up when we are down? It isn't just the suffers who struggle to find the words though. It's the friends, family, colleagues of the person who also don't talk about it. - Ignoring that there is a problem, hoping someone else will help them, afraid to ask them how they are. But why?

Why is it if a person has the flu they'll gladly write a facebook status about how many times they've been sick and boast about the 6 boxes of tissues they've used in just one day. Or when a person breaks an arm it's covered in a brightly coloured cast that just screams 'Look at me!' and then they proclaim to all their friends "Sign my cast!". They aren't afraid to let someone know whats wrong with them, in some cases down to the most disgusting details.

So why is mental illness different? Now I'm not suggesting for a second that a self harmer should post a facebook status when they have the urge to hurt themselves or that a person with OCD should boast about the amount of time's they've washed their hands. But should they not be able to talk about it when they want, to who they want with out fearing judgement or ignorance?

Disordered Behavior

Shortly I will be going out for a family meal. I'm not one for sitting round a table eating dinner and making conversation, I'm not one for eating in public either. But today I will be doing both. I have several fears and disordered thoughts when it comes to eating at a restaurant. I think I'd sooner go to mcdonalds and that's saying something.

I developed some rules and rituals during my eating disorder that the majority I still stick to and probably will for forever, well until I am fully recovered. This is why eating meals out is hard.

I have a certain plate that I eat off, nobody else is allowed to eat using it. This behavior started when I was struggling the most, I was scared if somebody else used that plate the fat/calories in what they ate would some how magically stick to the plate (weird, I know). While I have a healthier mind-set now I know that the fat/calories will not stick to the plate but I still only eat from that plate. Going to a restaurant means I can't eat off my peppa pig plate and have to eat from one which has probably been used thousands of times, scary!

Then there is the fact I like to use certain cutlery. This is more because I don't know who's mouth that fork or spoon has been in, I don't know what food that knife has touched and it might not have been washed properly and I'll be getting somebody elses germs... This is the same with glasses, I don't know who's gob has touched it, but this can easily be solved with straws, thankfully.

Then there's the whole sitting together thing, this usually goes one of two ways. The first example happened recently at a party. People either make a big deal out of the fact I am eating "Well done you!" "Nice to see you eating" "Is that it?" - stop being patronizing before I stab you with my knife and fork, let me just get on with it without feeling like everyone's concentrating on me or you will put me off my food.  Or they sit and silently judge me, neither one is brilliant. I guess sometimes neither happens (This is usually when I'm being moody and rude to everyone else, ooops)

The only good thing about going out for a meal is the hilarious combinations people put in their salad bowls - seriously, Onion and pineapple in the same bowl, with salad cream on top? ew.

Well this is my completely useless post for the day, just a little insight to how weird I am. Fingers crossed you'll get a more interesting post next time! Ciao! xxxx

Jumbled thoughts

I feel like i've neglected my blog and it's readers. But my mind is all over the place and writing a half-decent post is proving impossible. It's been a rough couple of weeks but I am muddling through with the help of some wonderful people (You know who you are and I can't thank you enough).

It has been pointed out to me recently how far I've come and I hadn't actually noticed. I know that i'm still struggling a lot the past couple of weeks especially, but I know that I've been here before and will make it through. (Saying this, i just tried to list areas in which i'd come far and could only think of 1 that I'm actually happy with).

I wish I could explain how I feel, but mental illness is a funny thing and I don't even know how I feel. I know that I want to push everybody away but at the same time I don't want to be alone. I want to scream but at the same time I want to be silent. I want a hug but don't want to be touched. I want food and lots of it but I don't want to get fat. I want to have control but at the same time I want to give God control.

I don't even know why I am writing this, I don't even know why I have a blog. I don't know anything.

The only thing I do know is, when it comes to life, it goes on. This will all pass. I hope.