bad day

Some days (weeks... maybe months) are hard and sometimes it seems like things will never change. Today has been one of those hard days.  Days like this for me seem unbearable and it seems like everything goes wrong.

I woke up at 7am, and didn't get up until 1.30, moving wasn't something I wanted to do. I managed to get up in fear that my bladder might pop. I looked in the mirror and instantly burst into tears. I hate my body, I hate my face and my scars although they dont usually bother me made me feel sick. The scale said a smaller number than yesterday but I feel 3 times bigger. I eventually managed to go and have 'Breakfast'. Half of a small banana, less calories than my usual bowl of porridge but today it seemed too much. I sat on the floor in the corner for what seemed like an eternity before finally finding the motivation to go upstairs and shower.

I stood in the shower and stared blankly at the wall, I think I washed my hair 3 times but I just kept forgetting whether I had or hadn't already washed it. The shampoo went in my eye and the sting didn't bother me like normal, I was grateful that I was actually feeling something other than emptiness. Pain isn't a brilliant feeling but its certainly better than numbness.  I dryed my hair and returned to the scale. Weighing myself more than once a day is never a good thing and today i've got on and off the scale a whopping 10 times. Then I returned to bed.

A had a few hours in which I was occupied, so things didn't seem too bad. But now I'm home alone and I'm anxious. It's been a while since my anxiety has been this overwhelming, I've convinced myself 6 times that I've left the oven on and the house will surely set on fire (I haven't turned the oven at all today) I'm worrying about everything.

Today I havent done anything productive all I've done is breathe. Some days (weeks, or maybe even months) it is okay if breathing is all you can bring yourself to do.

I just pray that tomorrow will be better.