Wish List

There are a lot of things that I can think of that would make my life better if I had it... And if I got everything on that list I would be happy and my life would be perfect.  It may seem selfish, materialistic, vain but I NEED them to make my life better... And here is to name just a few.

I need:

• Liposuction
• A nicer smile
• New anti-depressants
• A new job 
• More money (I'm talking millions...)
• Higher self-esteem
• A boyfriend
• A driving license 
• An iPhone
• Thinner thighs
• To be happier
• A talent
• My own house
• To be happier
• To be healthier
• Cigarettes to cost less
• Alcohol to come out the tap
• To be perfect
• To be accepted
• Longer hair
• More people to love me
• To feel appreciated
• A double bed
• JESUS.

"And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus" Phillipians 4:19

Don't believe in doctors.

Some people go to the doctor all the time for things that seem small to others (seriously - take a paracetamol, it's only a slight headache!) and occasionally they go for something big, serious. I'd rather suffer. Doctors and medical professionals have done nothing but let me down when it comes to my mental health and after more than a year of seeking treatment - nothing. I was referred to a specialist center over 6 months ago - nothing. Antidepressants aren't working? Try some new ones, up your dose, just keep taking them. Some people put more faith in doctors than anything else.
 But a Doctor has never healed me and they've run out of options, they can not fix me and now it seems they wont even try. It's impossible to get an appointment and even then 5 minutes is not enough to explain every thing that is going wrong inside my mind and inside my body. I don't understand how people can believe in doctors.

I am lucky though because I do not need a doctor to heal me (Okay, treatment would be nice but i've given up on that and they've given up on me). I have God, I go to him for the small stuff and  big, serious stuff. Because of him I do not have to suffer. God has done everything for me. I don't need to make an appointment because my God is here, all the time, always listening. I don't need to book in advance and talk to him as quick as I possibly can so he can talk to someone else sicker than I am.
God doesn't need to refer me to somebody else because he's stuck, he is all knowing, God isn't going to stop trying he is not going to give up on me, or you, or anyone. He know's our sicknesses and sufferings and he will heal us.

I've heard wonderful testimonies of people being healed from various mental and physical illnesses, healed from addiction,  It says in Matthew 7:7 Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened. God isn't like a doctor he doesn't need to prescribe you drugs he doesn't need to be told your symptoms he doesn't need you to have various tests done. He just needs you to ask to be healed and he will give you healing.

I have prayed time and time again, i've been prayed for lots I am not healed and I am okay with that because I have faith that God will heal me, he will heal you. Just because I haven't been healed instantly does not mean I will not be healed, I just need to keep praying and keep being prayed for. I'm putting my faith in God and not in doctors.

"Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering."

Private life.

"Who you are in private is more important than who you are when people see"
(The exact opposite to my bingeing habit, what i eat in private I wear in public).

Anyway, I like the idea of who you are in private being more important...

Some people have an untidy house until they're expecting guests but it's okay to have an untidy house because the people are their to see you and not your house. If you're house is a mess and your life is a mess that is fine just don't pretend it's not.

In public I try to appear confident, innocent, full of the word of God, happier, healthier, okay.

In private it takes me ten minutes to build up the courage to leave the house, "fuck" is my most used word, I struggle to read the bible, depression takes it's toll, have unhealthy thoughts and sometimes in private I am not okay. (but as soon as we have visitors or I need to go out I can quickly pretend I am).

I have scars and secrets that will never be made public, we all do. Sometimes those scars are physical and other times emotional but why would we publicize that? We wouldn't because we're too scared of being judged or put down.

Who we are in private should be who we are all the time, we shouldn't have to put on a show for an audience full of people that are also just keeping up appearances.

Can you hear me?

I am rubbish at talking, remembering and listening. When it comes to talking to other people I freeze, occasionally I stutter and yes or no answers are about as much as I can give. I forget important things but remember lyrics from song's I heard once 10 years ago, it's not that I don't follow instructions I simply just forget I was given them. I'm not bad at listening, I'm bad at taking it in, in one ear out the other, shrugging off things I don't want to hear.

When It come's to God I am just as bad. I physically can't talk to God out loud, I can in my head but that's a mess and I get distracted mid-prayer. Sometimes I simply forgot to pray when the hustle and bustle of life is too much. It's not that I don't listen to God though, I just do not hear him and even if I were to I'm not sure what he sounds like. Sometimes it feels like God isn't listening to me though, when you pray and pray and pray and nothing happens it can be hard.

I was told by an RE teacher once that because I was made by science and not God that I do not have a soul and can not connect with God. IVF babies weren't how God intended for children to made and if God didn't just give them a baby like he gave Sarah in the bible then maybe the parents weren't supposed to have one. I also used to get called "Devil child" at school by some of my sisters friends... So It would make sense if God wasn't listening, I wasn't part of a plan and I apparently remind people of satan so why would he even want to hear my cries for help.

But that's not the case and It's only the past few weeks I've realized that. If I wasn't part of Gods plan then even with the help of doctors the sperm wouldn't have fertilized the egg, I wouldn't be here. God knew even before IVF was a thing, even before my parents met, that Lydia Brown would walk the earth and Sandra and Tony would have triplets with the help of science. I am part of Gods plan and he still has a plan for my life. 'For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord Plans to prosper you and not to harm you plans to give you hope and a future' Jeremiah 29:11
It isn't that God isn't listening to me, it's that God's plan for me is just different to that of what I am asking, the nights I used to cry and pray that God would please just let me be with him now, that I wouldn't wake up the morning. It's not that I was being ignored it's that God has a better plan for my life than I do.

The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles.  The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.  A righteous man may have many troubles, but the LORD delivers him from them all Psalm 34:17-19 (sorry if this makes no sense it's 1am, I'm tired and couldnt find the words I was looking for)

inside out

While I was in Africa people kept telling me I'm beautiful, which I found really weird. All my life people have pointed out flaws in my appearance, called me ugly and even been given 2/10 for my looks. I find it difficult to accept compliments because it feels like i'm being lied to, so I kind of just awkwardly laugh or ignore the compliment all together.

I've had all sorts of comments made about my appearance:
Too fat
Too Thin
Massive forehead
Short
Weird figure
Boat feet
Chubby cheeks
Ugly
Out of proportion

And then I have my own view of myself:
Strange hair, big forehead, bushy eyebrows, strange eyelids, small eyes, big/wide/pointy nose, odd shaped lips that somedays are too fat and other days too thin, unsymmetrical ears, fat face fat cheeks, double chin, non existent neck, broad shoulders, wide torso, muffin top, strange hips, violin deformity, bulging thighs,  muscly calves, huge feet, terrible skin, man hands, freaky knees, scars.
There isn't a single squared cm of myself that I think I actually like And while that makes life a bit difficult and my confidence a bit low it doesn't matter.

I was made in God's image and he loves me. And doesn't matter what other people think about my external.
"The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” 1 Samuel 16:7

I dont fit into my clothes.

When I was in Africa I had a love hate relationship with food. The first 10 days I was there I just couldn't bring myself to eat anything, as a result I fainted, I lost weight and my size 4 shorts wouldn't stay up.

After that I began eating not really by choice but to make everyone else happy. Which in turn led to me bingeing most days, my weight crept up, my size 4 shorts now don't do up.

I gained 9kgs. My jeans don't fit and my stomach bulges out more than it ever has. My thighs touch and my face is just a ball of fat with a new chin added on... sexy.  I hate myself for it.

Yet while I see a new thick layer of blubber suffocating my body everyone else doesn't seem to see the same. I see a morbid obese person looking unhealthily fat. Everyone else just see's, me?

Everyones been telling me theyve never seen me look this "good", i've looked so "alive", I look "healthy, beautiful, glowing" and someone even said "I can look at you now, before I couldn't you just looked sick" and everytime someone compliments me on my weight gain I feel another piece of my heart break off, it feel's like everyone is stabbing me.

It feels like everyone Is lying about what they say, I look fat and that is all there is too it.

I know everyone means well but if everybody could stop commenting on my physical appearance I would appreciate that, until I've either lost some of this excess weight or come to terms with the fact that this is my body.

anxious adulthood.

It only dawned on me last night when I got ID'd for buying alcohol that I am actually an adult. When I was younger all I wanted to do was grow up as quickly as possible thinking I was a "Big girl" at 4 years old and not letting anybody treat me as child from the age of about ten.

But I don't want to be an adult, I still feel like the fragile-heartsore-scaredofeverybody nine year old that I was, but I just look different now. I'm okay with some aspects of being an adult, you know like alcohol.. and going to work everyday.. but the rest of me wants to still be a child, because I'm scared of the most pathetic things.

Going into shops makes me nervous and if a member of staff asks if they can help me I panic and leave (even if i found exactly what i was looking for). People on tills make me nervous and i'm thankful when a shop has self checkouts. I'm for the most part scared of anybody over 35. I've received so many inappropriate texts from old men who won't leave me alone that sometimes I even panic when I see i've got a message and talking on the phone makes me feel sick, if my phone rings and someone else is close by I get them to answer it and I'd never phone to make an appointment.

Paying rent just seems like a waste of money when I'm never at home because I'm working all day for practically nothing an hour. I threw my letter about voting in the bin because I've not got a clue about politics and my vote wouldn't matter anyway. I get far too panicky in cars so I probably won't learn to drive. I make people talk on my behalf and decisions are never my own, and I'm sure i'm doing this adult-thing wrong.

If you asked 10 year old me what my life would be like when I was finally an adult i'd of said something like "I'd be confident and not living with mummy and daddy i'd have lots of money a good job and a nice car and maybe i'll get married" and 10 year old me couldn't have got it more wrong.

1 Peter 5:7 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. 

South Africa + God.

I attempted to write a blogpost from my mobile, it did't work...

"It's Friday 15th August, 11pm. In two weeks time I'll be back in England and I don't want that. I want to stay here and my main reason for that is God.

 Every person i've had the pleasure of meeting has such a strong faith in God it's awesome, it seems like the most important things to people are Jesus, prayer and family. I unfortunate can't say the same about us English folk.

Everyone of these people has a story and a struggle, yet they all talk about how blessed they are"

An elderly woman who's lost all her family told me she's blessed because her purse is never empty so she's always able to help people who need it most. I had the pleasure of meeting a mother and daughter who just a couple of weeks before hand lost a family member and I think anyone would of understood if they were to just lose faith in God, not trust him, be angry... But their love for and trust in him is as clear as day.
I met people who are in debt up to their eyeballs but instead of questioning why the Lord wasn't helping them financially they thanked him every day for the food they had in front of them. I even heard people in the street talking about how good God is, despite people having so little their love for God is so big.

Peoples love for others was also evident, I was made welcome by practically everybody I met while I was there and I fell in love with the church. I even got prayed for, the only time someone else has ever offered to pray for me was a pastor telling me I am 'possessed'. I was prayed for by the mother and daughter I spoke about previously and their acceptance and patience with me is something i've never had and something I can not thank them enough for. In England people seem to barely make time for the members of their own church, but for these two people to pray for some weird foreign girl despite going through a tough time is what makes these women two of the most wonderful people I met.

If the churches here were like the ones in South Africa maybe the church wouldn't get such a bad name and it certainly wouldn't be labeled as 'boring'.  And who knows, maybe if we actually prayed for one another miracles might happen.

(im sorry if this post makes no sense whatsoever... it's bedtime)

Today's the day

I've just had my last travel jab, and soon i'll be on my way to... the dentist. Eventually i'll be on my way to the airport, then germany then south africa. I feel sick.

BUT ANYWAY, I'M GOING TO BE THOUSANDS OF MILES AWAY FOR THE NEXT 6 WEEKS.
SO THIS IS GOODBYE, FOR NOW.

I hope all of you, whatever it is that you've got planned over the summer, have a fantastic time.

( I was going to write a long post but my head is spinning at 1000miles an hour so byeeeeeeeeeeee)

anxious.

I have packed for Africa, it was harder than I expected. I am anxious about everything. "How many pairs of pants will I need for 6 weeks?" must of come across as my biggest worry as I asked it about 50 times over the past two days. (12, I've packed 12 and im still not sure that's enough).

I am so anxious it hurts. My tummy is an a huge (very huge because my tummy is massive) knot. I've packed, unpacked and repacked my suitcase more times than I can count. Checked, double checked and triple checked that my passport is in my case. I wish thats where the anxiety ended but unfortunately it's not.

I'm scared to leave my family behind and I'm scared of how much will have changed by the time I get back. I'm scared to leave those of my friends that suffer with mental-illness and often come to me just to chat. I'm worried that something bad might happen while I'm there.

I am anxious about meeting new people, I hate people.  I hate using other people's toilets/showers/baths let alone sleeping in a bed somebody else has slept in. I'm anxious about eating in front of strangers because they'll sit there and laugh at how the fat girl is stuffing her face. And don't even get me started on being seen in a swimming-costume, I look like a whale and everyone will judge me. How can I lose a stone in 3 days?

I'm petrified that my mental health will get worse and I won't be able to cope and become needy/emotional/withdrawn and ruin things for everyone. I'm terrified that I will do what I do best and just get in the way.  And what if nobody likes me?!

On the bright side I will not be able to binge for 6 weeks so maybe I will find some normality. I'm going to see a part of the world that not many people my age have seen and have loads of new experiences. I get 6 weeks off of work and it'll be my birthday. I'll be with my best-friend and who know's I might even get a tan. But none of that changes the fact that it feels like i'm either about to explode or puke.

I am terrified and excited at the same time and this is an odd feeling.